To not have to invite gm to see dgc

[Kitchendiva80]

I have a good relationship with my mother. She's on her own as my father passed away. She is rather old fashioned and No matter how many times I have told her there is an open invitation to come spend time with us she won't come unless i phone and ask her "do you want to come over on x day?" I feel I have enough to do without having to remember and formally invite her over.

My dh takes dd to his parents one day at weekend give me a break and time to get meals prepared for during following week. The ils have also said my dm can come over to theirs when dd is there too as my lives nearby. I do feel bad as my mil regularly sees and looks after my dd at least once a fortnight but my dm has number of ailments that mean I would not feel comfortable leaving my 6 month old with her all day. She would say she's fine but one of her conditions means that she can get tired very easily and sometimes falls into a deep sleep suddenly. So I feel she's missing out and I know she feels sad I don't leave her totally alone with her. She has sat with her for a couple of hours when I've been to dentist (can't take dd as do not want her to get my fear of dentists) or I've got things done in house, had shower etc. please help :-(

I feel I have enough to do without having to remember and formally invite her over.

Really? Really? You're too busy to phone your own mother and say "why don't you come over on Thursday morning and stay for lunch"? Why can't you just accept that this is one of her foibles (and if you're a regular on MN, you'll have noticed that some people have relatives with far worse personality traits) and adapt your own behaviour?

Yes...tell your mum what you've told us, and ask her what she would like to do.

Don't forget parents aren't around forever. Ring her.

It sounds like a good solution that she goes over to the ils to spend time with her GC but this shouldn't be the only times she sees them surely.

Invite her over to yours. She won't be there forever.

I think your two paragraphs are about different things.

First one - if you've got a good relationship with her, presumably you talk fairly often? I don't understand how "you've got enough to do" without formally inviting her, it's no hardship - can't you just say to her, "Ok, let's get the diaries out - when do you want to meet up?" She obviously doesn't feel comfortable just turning up and to be honest, I'd have said that was a good thing - you'd soon be on here complaining if she was under your feet when it wasn't convenient. My mother is widowed too and lives an hour and a bit away but we see each other every 3-4 weeks at least.

As for the second bit - well yes, she may feel that she's missing out a bit and yes she is but your concerns are valid. But if you want help not to make her feel left out - then invite her round more and include her. Or get a standing invitation like it sounds like you have when DH and DD go to inlaws at the weekend.

What about a standing arrangement, say Thursday lunch? You wouldn't have to book it every week, it would give your mum something to look forward to and a weekly chance to see her dgc? Maybe then after a meal you could run an errand (like the grocery store) so she could have some 1:1 time and you would get a bit of a break.

I don't really get what the problem is? Can't you just accept the way she is and ring her and invite her over?

As LordGiveMeStrength suggests, do a minor errand after lunch, giving them some 1:1 time. Or, call her one morning and invite her for lunch and say you've been trying to get, x/y/z (hoovering, meal prep, other chore) done but it's so much easier when someone watches baby, would she mind if you potter round for an hour while she's there? It sounds like you do this sometimes, but maybe make it more regular and really leave her and baby to it and let her know it is a real help.

I do speak to my mother regularly and ask her over i see my Op might make it sound otherwise. She actually rarely calls me. If I have a busy week and don't call I get a guilt trip. So I do do it I guess I just feel frustrated that I'm the one that has to do the running about. She could easily phone me and say are you free Wednesday. That's a good idea lordgivemestrength but have tried that before but been cancelled on when ds calls (different issue). Think I'll try and set something up again.

Maybe she feels like a burden so doesn't call you. That's how it sounds from your posts.

How can I make her feel less of a burden if that's how she feels. I do call I ask her over I spend time with her. My frustration is that I'm the one always doing the asking. Plus dd and I have a few activities weekly so if we cannot agree on a day she gives me this proper sad voice. Then when sees dgc following week makes wee comments about my dd not recognising her (jokingly i think) have asked her to come along several times but always says no. Mil phones if has day off to see if we want to do anything or if she can look after dd for me.

OP maybe she can see you are busy and doesn't want to be an overbearing Mum? Maybe she would love to suggest a visit but doesn't feel she can?
Have you spoken to her about not waiting to be invited, being more spontaneous?

Is MIL younger than your Mum?

Several times urban turban. Think will need to chat to her again. Thanks for your advice.

Yes but not by much alphabite

Surely it doesn't have to be a 'formal invitation' - can't you just phone her? Personally I wouldn't want to just turn up at someone's house without a specific arrangement (and wouldn't like anyone to do that to me), for one thing it could be a wasted journey if they happen to be busy or out.

Or you could go to visit her?

Maybe she has a secret lover and is loathe to drag herself away from him? :)
I would try the standing invitation idea. WRT the babysitting issue maybe she's feeling her years a bit and feels a bit embarrassed if your MIL is more hands-on. Also Mums on their own can get a bit self-absorbed (I know).

Oh god a secret lover! she's coming over tomorrow think will have a wee chat and maybe make a set arrangement. I just want to clarify though I do call her just sometimes I have a day that gets away from me if you see what I mean and remember as going to bed darn it meant to phone mum.