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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or does this need reporting?

30 replies

ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 10/04/2012 15:29

I'm after a bit of advice as I'm slightly concerned for the welfare of a child, but I'm not sure if what I know is going on constitutes neglect. I've recently been made aware of the conditions in which someone I know (my ex to be exact, we've been split up 5 years), cares for their child. She does not live with him, he has her for a few days here and there, I'm not sure how regularly, and from what I've heard the mother is perfectly capable and may be unaware of the situation. The flat is a complete pigsty, not just messy but from what I've heard, in no way safe for a child to crawl about in (she's around 15 months). He makes wooden sculptures and there are chippings and splinters all over the floor. Not only that but it seems that she spends all her time left in the cot, whilst he smokes weed and drinks (in the same room). I've heard this from someone who knows him...and it's what he himself has said, as if there's nothing wrong with it. Apparently the other night, he gave her a Creme Egg at bed-time and him and his friend fell asleep as they were so stoned. He was laughing about the fact that when she woke up he realised that the creme egg was stuck to her neck and face, half eaten, with the foil wrapping still half on it. I would consider that a serious choking hazard! That's just one thing I've heard. Does it sound petty that I'm concerned? My DH has seen him out with her and she looks dirty all the time when in his care. I worry about approaching the mother as I don't know her personally and because of my history with him, and I'm also worried that maybe my view of him (he's a complete bell-end) is influencing how I'm reacting. So...would you be concerned? Is it neglect or just pretty shitty parenting?

OP posts:
Pseudo341 · 10/04/2012 16:27

I think in your position I'd tell social services and let them decide whether or not there's cause for concern. You'd never forgive yourself if something happened to her in his care and you'd not acted.

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 10/04/2012 16:28

"From what I've heard"

You say that a lot.

Have you SEEN any of this first hand?

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 10/04/2012 16:32

Awkward, no I haven't, but it comes from one of his friends who is also my friend, and HE (my ex) himself has said it to him (about the smoking in the same room, the creme egg thing etc). Why would he make up things like that? It hardly paints him in a good light does it? My friend has also been in his flat and told me of the state of it. I was with him for 8 years, it doesn't surprise me in the slightest, so I do believe it. I can understand how it comes across, which is why I'm asking if it seems I'm being biased.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 10/04/2012 16:32

So you still have contact with him, he has told you the creme egg story himself and finds it amusing? Wow.

I'd probably try and tell the mum before alerting SS, as they will be onto her as well; so it would be kinder to talk to her first. She must be aware that her DD comes back in a mess (if she indeed does). Since your ex has apparently told you the creme egg story himself, you have better information on that than the rest - and that's bad enough, really - so tell her. If she shrugs it off or berates you, then tell SS.

Thumbwitch · 10/04/2012 16:33

Ah, he told your friend, not you. Bit more tricky then.

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2012 16:33

Then if I were you, I'd invite your friend to your house and ask them to call SS then and there.

I'm sure they'd take more notice of a call from someone who's actually seen the way this baby is being treated.

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 10/04/2012 16:35

No Thumbwitch, I have no contact anymore, he told a good friend of mine, who then told me, in disbelief. Sorry if I haven't been clear. I just worry she'll think I'm sticking my nose in...it would seem that way. That's why I'm a bit stuck. It is completely possible he has been making stupid stories up, and I'd hate to cause trouble for the mother if he's just being an idiot.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 10/04/2012 16:36

You're probably right Worra. I understand it seems like hearsay, I'd hate to come off as a narky ex. I just know what he's like.

OP posts:
IAmBooyhoo · 10/04/2012 16:38

i dont care whether you have seen this yourself or just been told about it, ring SS and let them investigate. it doesn't matter who you are in realation to him, if there is a chance this is true you have to do the right thing by that child. ring SS.

FondleWithCare · 10/04/2012 16:39

I would report it, if nothing is wrong then SS will drop it but you could be helping that baby if something is wrong. Taking drugs around a child isn't ok.

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 10/04/2012 16:41

A big part of me feels you're right Booyhoo. Since I found out a couple of days ago I can't stop thinking about it. I was just worrying my history with him was clouding my judgement and making more of the situation than was needed. If I were to call them, how do I go about it? Is it a local authority thing?

OP posts:
IAmBooyhoo · 10/04/2012 16:42

i googled my local number when i needed to report something. i got through to the right department. you dont have to give your name.

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 10/04/2012 16:44

Ok, thanks. That's great. I'll think about it for tonight and try and decide what to do. Please anyone else feel free to tell me IABU if you feel it to be the case. I'm perfectly fine with hearing both sides. I worry about getting SS involved, if there's nothing wrong and I'm jumping to conclusions because I know what he's like.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2012 16:46

The friend, the person who has more first hand knowledge, needs to be informed that it is their legal duty to report neglect or abuse (which IMO this definitely is). That way, you have clean hands and the person who has more knowledge of the situation has reported.

SlipperyNipple · 10/04/2012 16:53

Let SS decide if it's a good idea to get involved. If they tell you it's not enough for them to go on what have you lost?

WorldOfMeh · 10/04/2012 16:56

You are definitely not being unreasonable! Poor kid. :(

JustOneMoreQuestion · 10/04/2012 17:03

I worry about getting SS involved, if there's nothing wrong
They won't get involved if there's nothing wrong.
Report it and have it off your conscience. Let the professionals with the knowledge, experience and ability to have a look at the situation first hand make the judgement call.

Ring them.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 10/04/2012 17:12

The NSPCC run a phone line where they can advise you, and offer suggestions, and I think they can either help you do it, or contact social services for you - there's a load of info on their website about "what to do if I think a child is at risk"

wheremommagone · 10/04/2012 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkinnyVanillaLatte · 10/04/2012 17:18

I would need to pass the information on.But I would tell them what you've told us - that you've not seen it,its what you've heard.

What Pom says sounds the best idea though,initially.

skybluepearl · 10/04/2012 17:38

I'd ring SS in your shoes - or get your friend to. The childs needs are priority.

splashymcsplash · 10/04/2012 17:41

It is only hearsay, but if it were true it is definitely neglect, and abuse, so I think the best thing is to report and let SS investigate whether there is any foundation to these claims.

ModreB · 10/04/2012 17:41

You should always report if you have concerns. How would you feel if you didn't report it and the child was harmed?

Have a look here for some good advice.

BellaOfTheBalls · 10/04/2012 17:44

I have recently completed some safeguarding training where we covered a lot about this. I'm sorry to say it but SS rarely, if ever investigate on the basis of hearsay. IIRC unless you have seen this & can provide a written account of what you saw with dates & (if applicable) times, it is unlikely that SS will do anything.

However, having said all that I would still call. At least that way you have done as much as you can.

wannaBe · 10/04/2012 17:58

Why has your friend not reported it?

Presumably this is all happening during access visits as opposed to on a regular basis iyswim, but if your friend is so increduilous about it, then why hasn't he/she reported to ss him/herself?

I agree that it sounds pretty awful, but I also think that a report to ss from an ex with a grudge (you said yourself you don't like the bloke due to your past history with him) may come across as a malicious allegation rather than genuine concern for a child iyswim.

If your friend genuinely believes this is going on, then IMO I would encourage them to do the reporting themselves.

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