AIBU To be annoyed with my friend

[VodkaJelly]

I am not going to give too much in detail as I dont want to out myself.

My best friend is a lovely woman, she is funny, kind hearted and is beautiful (she could have been a model). She has a grown up son and i have 3 younger children.

For the past 5 years my friend (Who I am going to call S) has been seeing a really horrible man. He has no friends, is controlling, suspicious, checks up on my friend, belittles her, finished the relationship with her all the time and generally controls her. He is a vile man and nobody can see why she is with him.

Since i have known S they have split up 4 times in 4 years and she has been heartbroken, taken weeks off work with stress, is in a mess and pines for him. All her friends rally round, go to see her, comfort her and arrange days/nights out so she is not left feeling isolated and upset.

They split up last year and she started to move on with her life and all her friends and family were delighted that she had got away from this controlling shit. But in the summer his name was getting mentioned more and more frequently and despite everything he had done (texting/ringing her when pissed with vile abuse) she took him back, sold her house and moved in with him.

Fast forward a few months and he has a friendship with another woman, we dont know for sure if he is sleeping with this "friend", anyway he was going away for a few days to do with his hobby and he was going on his own, however, S was suspicious and we found him picking up the other woman who was going with him over Easter. He has lied and lied to S.

So all over Easter she was distraught but had made her mind up to move out and move in with a relative (that she wasnt really looking forward to), so everyday over Easter I was over at her house, helping her pack/move furniture and things, holding her hand and drying her tears, just like the other times. She seemed really certain that is was over and he didnt even contact her despite knowing that she was in bits. She has a lot of family in another country and was serious about emigrating.

Whilst doing this it caused problems in my house, as i was spending a lot of time propping up my friend, my DP was left looking after the kids and we cancelled some plans to go out so I could support my friend. DP said that I was wasting my time etc.

Today after speaking to S she told me that her and that shit have had a heart to heart and she is "thinking" (meaning that she will) about moving back in with him. AIBU to be really really bloody annoyed with her? For weeks and weeks she has been so unhappy as she knows he has been lying to her about this other woman but he will only say that they are friends.

AIBU to start to detach myself from her as I am so exhausted from supporting her all the time for her to go back to him? I can guarantee that in 12 months time some other woman will be on the scene giving S more heartache. He has cheated on her twice since she has been with him!

I have noticed that each time she splits with him less and less friends are there to support her, there was only me and another friend who is new and never been involved with it before. I am angry that it caused rows in my house and for what? I cant live her life for her but jesus, she could walk in from work and find him shagging some other woman on the dining room table and she would forgive him.

I just dont know what to do next.

Yanbu at all. Except if you're getting involved to the stage where it's causing rows in your own house.

Yes, you need to detach and concentrate on your own family.

She is a grown woman, and there is nothing at all you can do unfortunately.

It has to be her decision to leave him for good, and it sounds like she is not ready for that yet.
I'd like to say a true friend would support her no matter what, but there is a limit. You put her first above your family over Easter weekend. Lesson learnt. Don't do it again.

It's hard because you want to support your friend and don't want to abandon her, but if she insists on lying down for this man to walk over her then there's really not much you can do about it. I had a friend in a similar situation and eventually I was just so exhausted from it that I backed off and see her rarely now. If you've got to the end of your patience and empathy when she seems unable or unwilling to break away from this abusive man, then maybe it's time to tell her that you'll always be her friend but you just can't keep picking up the pieces like this.

No, you're not unreasonable for detaching. I had to do that with a lovely friend whom I miss such a lot because she had a long term relationship with a married man and he was constantly messing her around. I couldn't bear to see her like that and withdrew. I do feel awful about it, but you end up saying the same thing again and again and it's just a waste of time.

There?s little you can do. I think you've more than proven yourself to be a true friend but at the end of the day we all know people like this. Women (and men) who are addicted to a toxic partner. All you can do is be blunt with her and give her the bald facts. If she chooses to stay with him there?s nothing you can do about it. Remain her friend but maybe give a little less of yourself.

Yanbu, but I think it might be time to back out now, especially as it's causing you problems at home. It looks like she's going to do whatever she wants to whatever you say to her, no matter how much you help her. She's just going to go back to him over and over.

Thanks for your replies. I was really hoping that this time it would be different and she would stay away from him. DP kept saying i was wasting my time as she would move back in with him.

It makes me want to cry that she thinks so little of herself, she could have any man she wants but he makes her feel worthless.

If she does go back to him (which i think she will) i am going to have to withdraw, why would anybody keep doing this to themselves? I just dont get it. If my DP had done a quater of what that shit has done I would have cut his balls off with the kitchen scissors.

Sadly, I think you will have to disengage. You've gone well beyond the call of duty here and if your support is beginning to cause problems at home, you need to rethink what you can offer. Especially given the inevitability of how she replays this disastrous relationship again and again.

It might sound odd and rather perverse but perhaps if she has fewer people around to step in and help organise her, she might find herself taking a bit of responsibility herself. Because she clearly realises that this relationship is unhealthy.

Sorry to hear this. You obviously care for your friend. I've been there with a very old friend and her love life too.

I did have a sit down with her and explain that it was, for me, emotionally draining/time consuming/physically exhausting/disruptive running around to pick up the pieces and offer the same advice again and again when it was always discounted. I asked her why she bothered when she was just going to do what she had always done anyway. She had no answer to this. This was part of a larger conversation but it did give her some notice that she needed to consider what she was doing and how it impacted her friendships.

Admittedly, our friendship hasn't been the same since and we have both disengaged with each other but I felt it allowed me to give her a chance and be very open and honest with her before withdrawing initially.

People just don't easily change though so do be prepared to lose her friendship.

YANBU. Have you had it out with her?

Maybe someone who has supported her to this point spelling out exactly why you can't support her any more will be an eye opener.

If you do keep the friendship I would advise banning any mention of him, permanently.

I'm hesitant to post this, as I'm in a slightly similar situation here. Not as bad as yours and I don't really want to give any more detail.

It sounds to me like you've been a really good friend, and if you need to distance yourself then do so. There's only so much you can give.

I'm impressed that your friendship has lasted so well, tbh.

I made the mistake of being honest with my friend and it's taken its toll. I'm not convinced our friendship will recover from it.

Ironically, the first (or second) time he screwed her over, she knew I was upset and said that if I asked her to choose between him and me, she'd choose me as my friendship was important to her. Of course I said no, I'd never give her that ultimatum. Well as it turns out, I didn't have to. We carried on for a while, (about a year)and after his latest bout of fuckwittery I let my opinion of him flow a little too freely. I regret this, really, as I think I put her in an impossible position. But ultimately, it seems that without the ultimatum ever being issued, she's gone back on her word and 'chosen him'.

I'm left wondering if when she first asked me to 'make her choose' I should have. Maybe it was a bit of a cry for help?

Anyway, sorry to hijack, and I realise my post is no help. Just wanted to sympathise. If you ever find the answer to this, please tell me!

The problem is, ivanapoo, if you have 'banned subjects' then how can you have a friendship? Especially if the banned subject is your life partner. My friend has said that she wants to just not discuss it, but how can we? If I go to her house- he lives there. If I ask her when she's free to meet, clearly she might have to consider him.
I don't want to get into a situation where she can't answer the question 'What are you up to at the weekend?' because she isn't supposed to say his name. It's ridiculous!
Sorry, I know you're speaking to the OP not me, but I am really at a loss with this.

I think if you leave her now you will be playing into his hands; the less friends she has the more she will rely on him and he will feel powerful and strong. She needs you now more than ever.

Your friend is trapped in a cycle and statistics show that it a woman often leaves a relationship several times before she finally sees the light and breaks free.

If you are a true friend you will stick around now when she needs you most but I agree with the other posters that you have to find a way of doing it without it adversely affecting you or your family.

'If you are a true friend you will stick around now when she needs you most' I really think the OP has stuck around long enough to be classed as a true friend, zookeeper. I think your post is a little harsh.

I've been in S's position, and nothing that any friend or family member did or said made any difference, the guy had a weird emotional hold over me. I was finally diagnosed with depression after I felt unable to function mentally, and it seemed to bring about a clarity that I hadn't had before. I left him and now have a lovely life. Your friend is a grown woman and makes her own choices. However sad/angry you are about her situation, you must put your family first. Take a step back, and if she comes to you wailing about the shitty bf, explain calmly and kindly that you care about her but that her choices are starting to affect you negatively.

it wasn't meant to be harsh . But it would be harsh to leave her friend now.

She is being abused and it is very very difficult to leave these situations often

Can I recommend that you buy her a copy of Lundy Bancrofts book 'Why Does He Do That?' - it might help her to see her situation for what it is

It may also give you a second wind, to support her if you read it.

Its really frustrating Im sure, but you're being a great friend. If you need to detach, can you let her know thta you will be there for her if she needs your help?

Also- get this thread moved to relationship section- where you will probably get lots of insights

I used to have a friend like this.

Off and on with her Ex, always complaining about his unreasonable behaviour (except to his face). Splitting up and slagging him off then a week later back with him. Ringing me up very late at night in tears because he'd walked out on her etc.

It got to the point were we (her friends and family) were all sick of it.

My words to her one day were "either do something about it or stop complaining about it". She didn't and I eventually cut contact.

I think your friend is just as selfish as my friend. She is a frown adult and responsible for her own actions. It seems to me that she is happy living this life, if she isn't she'd change it.

There is no more you can do OP. Concentrate on your fanily and the friends that are greatful for your help.

I think part of this shits plan is for my friend to be isolated, have no friends and family round, be totally dependent on him and and only him. I have met him a couple of times and I dont like him, the threat of violence is always there - although he has NEVER been violent to my friend, if any bloke as much as looks at S twice he is jumping at the bit to stove their heads in, he is 52 for Gods sake. He has no interest in meeting me as he doesnt want me to be friends with S.

I sent S a text a few weeks ago at 8.30pm about some results I was waiting for, he was immedialtly "Whos that? why is she texting? why is she telling you that? couldnt she tell you tomorrow?" etc, it was something innocent that S wanted to know about.

I do worry about leaving her to it as then he would win and that is what he wants, but, oh, i dont know. I am tired of supporting her and feeling guilty that DP felt neglected.

I do sometimes feel used by S. When things are good with her and that shit I dont hear much from her, but when they are rowing and he has done something to piss her off she is all "Me and VodkaJelly are going to do this and that and I am going to do what i want when I want", then we make plans to do X and Y and they never come off as she then makes up with him and I am dumped again. I never rely on going anywhere with her as it never happens, even innocent things like going to the cinema.

they follow a very set pattern- you are right, it is part of the plan to have her isolated from friends and family

have a look on the support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships, in relationships

can you have a discussion with her and tell her that you feel let down when she cancels on you and your family feel a bit neglected when you are helping her/ you find it emotional

i doubt that will be the catalyst for change, but at least she will understand that you still love her, but need to take care of yourself also

I do think you sound a great friend Vodka ; you need to find a way to support her without wearing yourself out. I agree he would be delighted if you were to disappear as then she will be more reliant on him. He is classically abusive.

a quote from my favourite film;

'you dont need anyone when you're right. its when you're wrong, you really need your friends'

i have a friend like yours & performed the same role as you. i think you need to be more realistic.

you want her to change her life but how much has she done this in the last 4 years? IME you can still be her friend but if you continue to put this much in, you wont see any good come from it.

i think you need to consider that she is using you (however much this is because of her bad situation).