to stop dd going with exp?

[zumbameuprightnice]

I've always wanted dd to have a good relationship with her father as mine hardly bothered with me an i've always done my best to ensure this but i am raging right now!

Dd (7) usually goes with exp every sunday from about 10am til 7pm. He lives 2 mins down the road from me yet i always have to drop her round there because if i left it up to him it would be after lunch before he bothered to come get her. Anyway i have just found out that the last few sundays she has been with him he has been asleep all day and she has been left on her own downstairs all day to play with the dog and watch tv.

I've asked him about it and he says its true, he works nightshift. He also didn't pick her up from school whilst i was at the docs with the baby having her injections because he was asleep. He asked me that morning if it was that day he was picking her up, i replied yes and he didn't anyway! i get a phonecall from the school at 3.45 asking me where the hell i am (i'm sat with the nurse, naked baby on lap about to have injection) so had to leg it down the road, about a 30 min walk to go get her and as i get to school he's there with her.

I understand he works nightshift and needs sleep so why agree to have her if he can't look after her? i just don't get it! Thing is he won't ever tell me what he is working so i can't plan things around him just incase he has a proper nday off and can see her then which obv would be much better.

He won't make any extra effort to see her yet every chance he's got he is off with some motorcycle club or going to concerts, yet would rather sleep then see his daughter?! Do i just stop her going round there?

What does your 7yr old think?

Is she still happy to spend the minimal time with her Dad?

And actually, why are you insisting on taking her to him at 10am when he would prefer to pick her up after lunch?

At least that way he would have had some sleep and he'd be up and about.

Sorry just read that back its a bit over the place! Just to clarify he ill only have her on a sunday, refuses any other day yet as far as i'm aware he works a nightshift on a sat night so just wants to sleep all day sunday. Even if he is awake he never wants to go anywhere or do anything with her. Apparently he is skint although he works full time and lives with his dad? hmmm

Why don't you let him pick her up after lunch?

I think you need to write him off as someone that can be relied upon

If your daughter still wants to see him, make sure it suits you too, and stop pushing for longer contact time. If you know he does a night shift on a saturday night, I don't actually understand why you insist on dropping her at 10

to be completely honest, if I were you, I wouldn't drop her at all and leave it all up to him

and if you happened to have gone out to do something else by the time he rocked up, so be it

yes, it would be disappointing for your dd, but that would be his fault not yours

It does depend how your DD feels about it. If she would rather not go, it doesn't sound as though this is the type of man who will get all aggrieved and take you to court, he sounds far too lazy and selfish to bother, so you could just stop contact - while the courts will see it as your duty to 'make DD available' for contact, they won't do anything about it unless XP makes a complaint and starts legal action.
However, to make sure that doesn't come back to bite you on the arse, you need to communicate with XP via email, text or letter (so you have proof of what was said) to the effect that he needs to let you know what days it would suit him to see DD ie when he will be awake and prepared to engage with her. If he makes it clear that he's not bothered or refuses to communicate at all, then you would be able to demonstrate if court action later occurs that you did your best.
Because the only thing with this sort of selfish lazy prick is that sometimes they get new girlfriends and all of a sudden want to demonstrate what 'wonderful' dads they are and blame you for not 'letting' them see their kids.

I don't insist 10am he says thats the time he wants her and says to her he will pick her up but rolls up at around 1pm. She is here sat around constantly looking out the window for him getting worried he won;t turn up at all which to be fair he has done a fair few times. I have tried having an adult conversation with him about it but its impoissible when i just get one word answers from him, he will not discuss anything.

She used to be happy to spend any time with him but now its really getting to her. She says things like he can't be bothered with her or that he is a liar because he promises to see her and then . She has noticed all the things he has bought himself, new motorbike, iphone etc and has said he never gets anything for her.

your daughter is learning the sort of man he is

you can't shield her from that

be honest with her, and don't try and uphold something that he should be doing for himself

he sounds like the kind of picture that sgb paints

child as plaything and trophy

or even worse, using your child to wind you up (and it's working)

I don't insist 10am he says thats the time he wants her and says to her he will pick her up but rolls up at around 1pm

Then let him pick her up at 1pm and don't mention 10am to your DD.

I dont' know what time he knocks off of his nightshift but 10am would still probably be equivalent to something like 1am or 2am to his body.

Just let him sleep and then come and get her.

Eggy thats exactly what i have been trying to do.

This weekend i hadn't heard from him as to whether he had been working and was okay to have dd (i don't have any complaints if he tells me he can't have her its when he says he can and then doesn't bother that annoys me). So we just went out instead and had a nice day. His loss and yes he should be the one making an effort. I only drop her round becuse he kept asking me too, now i realise its because he was in bed!

Worral that would be fine if he had picked her up at 1pm because he had been asleep but i don't always think that is the case as he often texts me that morning and says he will get her in an hour or so and then turns up 3 hours later!

I have no idea what times or days he works, he won't tell me.

And yes funnily enough when he had a gf he made a lot more effort, now that as gone down the pan he isn't bothered.

I sympathise, zumba, but let him conduct his own relationship with his daughter

this "will he/won't he" constant background is possibly giving him some satisfaction (at your daughter's expense)

so, spoil his fun

be quite clear about arrangements and if he messes up, he messes up

I would stop dropping her round...he has a pair of legs, doesn't he ?

there is no way I would drop a young child at someone's house who had just completed a night shift, whether he's her father or not

tell your dd you don't know what time he will be coming, and if he doesn't appear at the pre-arranged time, go and do something nice with her yourself, even if it is just an icecream at the park

Then I'd do as others have suggested.

Don't stop contact because that makes you the 'bad guy' here.

Just tell arrange a time for him to pick her up and if he doesn't turn up on time...go out and get on with your day.

I really think you're inadvertently adding to this by dropping her around to his house.

I agree with Worra - tell your DD daddy has night shifts and will be with her after lunch, when he's had time to catch up on his sleep. Have her stuff ready for 10 - and then if he's early say "goodness! Daddy's up already!"

Tell your ex you're doing it for him - that DD will be ready for 10 on the nose, but him picking her up means she's got company until he's awake.

I don't think he's the worst person in the world based on this - he probably thinks if he agrees just Sunday afternoon, he won't get that morning back. If you keep it "officially" the whole day, hopefully everyone will be happy.

The school pickup thing is very poor though. All I can say is night shifts do mess with your head.