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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry dp makes no effort on my birthday at all, and im on my own again?

22 replies

vix1980 · 10/04/2012 08:40

Thats it really, been with him 11 years, only once has he actually organised something for us to do together, he knows when it is every year, the date never changes, i always make sure im off on his birthday just so he wont be alone, yet he never feels he has to do the same with me.

i thought this year would be different considering im 8 months pregnant its the last birthday it could be just us 2, but no, he woke me in the night to tell me i was snoring and he couldnt sleep (er sorry im the size of a whale, cant ever get comfy and im grateful to be sleeping at all!). so he managed to tell me that yet has still to say to me happy birthday. hes now gone to work, his card was on the table when i got up. so here i am once again with my own company, all friends are in work etc, hes been at him mums the past few days doing diy stuff for her so havent seem him really since friday, aibu to think he could of spent a bit of time with me or just incredibly hormonal and stupid for actually thinking he could of possible thought of something like this on his own!

i usually just get on with it each year and take myself of shopping but nothing bloody fits me right now so my plan is to stay in bed feeling depressed eating chocolate and sausage butties all day long

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 10/04/2012 08:42

Happy Birthday :)

But you are being teeny bit unreasonable. As adults we really dont need to take days off work for birthdays, or own or anyone elses. He left you a card, so he hasnt forgotton, and hopefully he will treat you tonight.

Does he ask you to take a day off on his birthday, or do you just do it? I wouldnt take a day off for my husbands, nor would I expect the same. We dont even go out if our birthday falls on a work night, we go out at the weekend.

Gumby · 10/04/2012 08:43

Well I wouldn't expect dh to take leave on my birthday
Ususally I'm working

Can't you see friends or family today & tonight go out for a meal with him or get takeaway?

FamiliesShareGerms · 10/04/2012 08:47

Happy birthday!

We don't normally take days off for each others' birthday either. Did you say in direct terms "as it's my last birthday before the baby comes, it would be lovely for you to take the day off so we can do something special"? If not, perhaps a bit unreasonable (I would need to spell it out like this if that's what I really wanted, especially as it's not what normally happens).

Enjoy the sausage butties

fedupofnamechanging · 10/04/2012 08:51

Happy Birthday vix

Have you ever actually told him just how much this upsets you? If you've had a proper, sit down discussion, which he's ignored, then that doesn't bode well imo. If, otoh, you've wanted him to guess and think for himself, but not actually said outright, then that's not so bad.

Some people are crap at doing stuff unless they are explicitly told to. Or they just don't put much value on birthdays - their own is no big deal, so they don't feel that anyone else's is either. If he makes a huge deal of his own birthday, but no effort for yours, then that would be worrying, but if he treats his own like it's no big deal, then I'd be less concerned.

I think you should go out and buy yourself lots of lovely things - don't stew in bed all day, feeling miserable. Make reservations for dinner somewhere nice. Phone him at work and tell him to be home on time - that he is taking you out.

Perhaps over dinner, explain that this is important to you and you want him to acknowledge it and make an effort.

With the waking you up in the night - tell him if he does it again, he will be sleeping on the sofa. If I was in a generous mood I'd say he maybe doesn't fully 'get' how much pg affects women, and some people are grumpy when tired, but I'm not, so I'd say that was arsey, especially on your birthday.

Original poster

vix1980 · 10/04/2012 08:53

Maybe its just my friends and family who do this then, but yeah they usually take a day off to spend time with each other, he did ask me what id like and i said to just go for maybe a meal somewhere and spend a bit of time together as we havent really spent any time just us for ages with other things going on, probably just feeling sorry for myself though which doesnt help.

my mum announced yesterday she was going away for the week, my dad is tied up being a carer for his partner which is also stressful, im not to bothered about tonight ill prob just get a bath and go to bed in a whale like fashion as i usually do these days, for some reason i just find spending the whole day alone by myself a tiny bit depressing.

OP posts:

YonWhaleFish · 10/04/2012 09:12

YANBU. I second telling your DP how it feels.

Happy Birthday! xxxx

marriedinwhite · 10/04/2012 09:13

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

My dh wouldn't take the day off on my birthday and I wouldn't expect him to so I think that is a teeny bit unreasonable. Try to look at the positives: he left you card (a lot forget) and he asked what you would like and he's taking you for a meal later.

Can you go out for a mosey round the shops, buy some nice bubbles for the that bath later and may be treat yourself to a nice top for the last four weeks and for tonight.

OddBoots · 10/04/2012 09:19

Dh and I don't take the day off for birthdays but we would do something on the nearest weekend. That said, dh is a wonderful and loving man but gets a bit lost with these kinds of things so I tend to make the suggestions about what to do.

tinkertitonk · 10/04/2012 09:55

Sausage butties will turn you into Jeremy Clarkson.

Fact.

upahill · 10/04/2012 09:56

Happy Birthday!!

People at my work normally book the day off for their DP's birthday My birthday falls during a holiday period so me and DH are off for it anyway.

I would be very upset and hurt if I were you tbh.

I love DH making a fuss over me on my birthday (and at Christmas) and getting me things that I keep meaning to get but the exense puts me off. I love that he takes the boys into town for 'them' to get me something and all my cards. Then the family meal out. Me and my mates make a big deal out of birthdays as well and have a meal out with each other as well. Flippin Love it!!!

Of course it would be a hollow gesture if he was an idiot for the rest of the year but he isn't.

So I can understand how upset you are and not suprised you are finding it a bit depressing.

eggkr · 10/04/2012 10:04

I was married to a man who never even bought me a card for any occasion.In the end i stopped doing it for him too.

He went off with a newer modle in the end who now often posts on the book of face that she hasnt had a card or pressie for special occasions so he hasnt changed.
I however am re married and had diamonds for Mothers day

Seriously though op,lots of people dont make a big deal about birthdays it depends on how they were brought up i think.

Either book stuff yourself or dont bother with snything for him on his Birthday.

You cannot chaneg another persons behaviour only your own reaction to it.

SodoffBaldrick · 10/04/2012 10:08

Happy birthday!!

I don't take days off for my own birthday - wouldn't even occur to me to take the day off for DH's...

We still celebrate and do something nice, just in the evening if it's a week day.

ToryLovell · 10/04/2012 10:10

I think that you need to tell him that you want him to take the day off to spend your birthday with you.

DH and I have never been fussed about birthdays as our families are the same. Birthdays are big when you are a child, but not when you are an adult IMO. Your DP may feel the same.

RhinosDontEatEasterEggs · 10/04/2012 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Angelico · 10/04/2012 10:19

Ahhhh - happy birthday! Do something to treat yourself today - and tell 'D'P that next year there better at least be a cake. Hubbie and I don't have the kind of jobs where we can take a day off when suits but we ALWAYS get each other a cake, a few balloons, put up the birthday banners etc. In fact he started it when we first started going out and we just got into the habit of doing it.

upahill · 10/04/2012 10:32

I would forget about his birthday when the time comes!

HipHopOpotomus · 10/04/2012 11:00

"i always make sure im off on his birthday just so he wont be alone"
I find this statement a bit weird really. What is wrong with being on your own for part of the day - even if it is a birthday?

Oh & Happy Birthday!!!!!! Hope you get out & do something nice today & I really hope your DP comes through and treats you in the evening.

upahill · 10/04/2012 11:07

"i always make sure im off on his birthday just so he wont be alone"
I find this statement a bit weird really. What is wrong with being on your own for part of the day - even if it is a birthday?

I don't find it weird at all!!

At the age of 47 I have never spent my birthday alone. I love having my friends and family around me.
I love the fuss from them!!!

flibbertywidget · 10/04/2012 11:13

Happy Birthday, it is mine too. . I am now on the other side of having two children (2 and 4). My DH is crap at cards and presents, except he knows that cards mean more to me than a gift.

However, the good thing about having my DD is that I have a ready made card maker in my own house and she woke up early this morning and brought me the 20 cards she had made me over the weekend. Each one with I love my mummy scrawled inside them and slobberly kisses from my DS (2).

In a short while (2/3 years) you will get all the love you need on your birthday (from your child)..

ALso, now being 41 (OMFG!!!!, how.. when..????) surely I was only 20 last year ;-)

I have given up on birthdays. HOwever, I may go and buy myself something outrageous or die my hair pink (DD would love that)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY... enjoy, go and cheer yourself up..

missmalteser · 10/04/2012 12:04

It sounds like you both have different expectations from each other, would your dp mind if you didn't take the day of work to be with him on his birthday? If not I think yabu, however if he expects to be made a fuss of from you then it's only fair to reciprocate, me and dh always make a fuss over birthdays, but that doesn't mean taking the day off, usually a meal, get together that evening if working then a proper celebration at the weekend, I would be a bit annoyed to wake up with just a card on the table without even a cup of tea before work, bit maybe he didn't want to wake you?

Rhubarbgarden · 10/04/2012 12:14

My DH never bothers. He didn't buy me a present or card for my last two birthdays, and on Christmas Eve rather pathetically confessed he hadn't got me a Christmas present and would I like to book myself on a spa weekend? If he took the day off for my birthday I would faint. Some men are just crap at this sort of thing; it doesn't necessarily mean they don't care, just that they don't realise it bothers you. You have to spell it out.

I am at the same stage of pregnancy. It sucks. You are hormonal and sleep deprived. Yes, he should have spoilt you a little, but he didn't. Enjoy your last few weeks of time alone, take yourself off for a nice lunch, get your nails done or something like that. Because once your dc has arrived I promise you you will crave time alone like you can't imagine. At least that's how I feel, nearly two years on from having my first dc. My ideal birthday would be spent on my own now, just pottering, and I am actually a social creature!

Here, have a birthday brew .

Pandemoniaa · 10/04/2012 13:10

It's never occurred to me to take the day off for a partner's birthday or vice versa, tbh but if this is something that is important to you, tell your partner. It may well be that he has no idea that your expectations of birthdays are wildly different to his.

Happy Birthday, though!

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