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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should have told me he had a day off

16 replies

Shinyshoes1 · 09/04/2012 18:58

This is one of a number of problems I have with DP.

we both work. Me part-time, him full-time.

I work around HIS shifts, so alot of the time, not all, but alot of the time I do evenings , especially if he finishes work at 4.00pm.

This works a we don't rely on others to look after our children. There is always one of us at home.

DP has annual leave he hasn't taken, he normally tells me when he has days off /annual leave as it gives me the chance to work during the day and free's up the evenings. Last week I done 4 evenings as he finished at 4.00pm, it's not ideal but I had to , to fit in my contracted hours and to make sure one of us is home

DP tells me he has tomorrow off and knew this for some weeks.

AIBU to be furious , I could have worked during the day instead, but no, I'm doing another 2 evenings this week and a 13 hour shift saturday just so I could fit my hours in as I thought he was working tomorrow.

I know this sounds petty, but he's done this a few times now. I'm now out for 2 evenings instead of being home those 2.

He doesn't see what's wrong.

The staffing gets done 2 weeks in advance, when he knew he'd be off, i've rung in and there's no way I can work tomorrow, the staffing has been done. Which is fair enough . I can't expect them to change it for me

OP posts:
catsareevil · 09/04/2012 19:03

YANBU.
Would it be worth looking into childcare though, so that you arent having to do this all the time?

RosieBooBoo · 09/04/2012 19:04

Oh dear. He is being VU. Do you think he 'forgets' so that you look after the DC during the day and he only has to do bedtime?

smoggii · 09/04/2012 19:07

Do you think he was hoping you could all spend the day together tomorrow?

BackforGood · 09/04/2012 19:15

If you are relying on each other to be there when the other one isn't, then, yes, all time at home / not at home should be clearly marked on the family calendar / diary.

Original poster
Shinyshoes1 · 09/04/2012 19:17

lol no smoggii, probably not that. We have been around eachother for 2 days solid now, that's quite enough Wink

Catsraeevil- we just can't afford childcare.

Rosieboo, he is very 'hands on' with the children, he gets up early and I lie in most of the time, when I offer to get up he gets up anyway a he 'can't just lay there awake'. So I take advantage. Of course on the rare days he wants to lay in I get up.

It's like this massive secret or 'oneupmanship' , I don't get it. I told him I could have worked tomorrow and was furious with him, but he doesn't see that he was BU, .

I don't know if he resents the fact I only work part-time, but he knows as well as I that we'd be worse of childcare wise if I was to work full-time

OP posts:
PiratesMolMabel · 09/04/2012 19:27

YANBU IMO. My DH never consults me before he books leave. He doesn't consider childcare to be his problem. Maybe he's right. My 1st DH died while I was expecting DS so current DH is step father - but has been 'dad' to DS since he was 4. Also DH works fewer hours than me because DS has a disability & tax credits, DLA etc make it possible. He works 22 hours per week over 3 days & I work 32 over 5. I argue that because of this he should do more around the house than me...but no. he doesn't think so. Confused

It's partly because of this attitude that I have a 'leaving DH' savings fundWink

scarletforya · 09/04/2012 19:52

YANBU.

It sounds like he's doing it on purpose so he doesn't have to look after the children on his own. I don't believe he doesn't see what's wrong, I believe he is playing dumb.

If I were you I'd take myself off for the day and do something nice and leave him with the kids. That'll put a stop to his evil plans!

McHappyPants2012 · 09/04/2012 20:18

I know this sounds selfish, but my AL is my AL and i never consult DH over it.

catsareevil · 09/04/2012 20:20

You never go on holiday with your DH?

Gumby · 09/04/2012 20:25

Can I ask what jobs you both do? It sounds the perfect set up with no childcare

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2012 20:25

But maybe that's because you are not juggling your working hours around your husband's hours, McHappy.

MrsMcEnroe · 09/04/2012 20:26

McHappy, that's lovely for you but can we assume that you don't have to worry about childcare?

EightiesEasterChick · 09/04/2012 20:31

So let's just recap:
You often tend to work evenings and weekends to fit around his work; both times that many people have off from work (though I'm aware many also don't).

So does that mean that when you do evenings, you have already been working, though not for pay, as the childcarer that day? You then go on to put in a second shift, whereas he does bedtime but then gets time off after his working day?

How does that add up in relation to weekends - does he look after the kids by himself while you are at work on Saturdays?

I think you should calculate the number of hours in total each of you spends working, counting both paid work and time when each of you is the sole childcarer. It sounds to me at the moment as if you get a raw deal, in that you do as much or more total work and don't get the chance to decide when and ho you work as he does. But do the maths and see what it looks like.

If you rely on on another for childcare - and, by inference, any time off from working or childcare - then any leave he takes limits the leave you can take. So no, YANBU and I suspect he knows this.

There was a similar thing someone posted about a while ago, where she came home unexpectedly after school drop off or something and found her other half there preparing to take a sneaky day off to play the X box or whatever. Can't remember how it turned out but it does seem to indicate they think they have more 'need for' / right to time off than you. [buhmm]

Tuppence2 · 09/04/2012 20:37

I would usually be of the opinion that it is up to the individual as and when they take annual leave, but in this situation YANBU.
If DP were to AL for a day to himself, that would be fine, but I would be annoyed if him doing that resulted in me having to do a shift that was booked to fit in with his work, when he wasn't at work! That's pretty selfish IMO

McHappyPants2012 · 09/04/2012 20:38

ofcourse we have to worry about childcare, that why we both save some AL back for when the kids are ill ect.

when the OP books the evening off, then i would hope her dp would still do the bedtime routine.

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2012 20:43

She doesn't want to work in the evenings though, McHappy. She's knackered then and wants to be at home.

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