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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be angry at dh for leaving DIY job half-done yesterday and now it is raining and can't be completed

44 replies

lecce · 09/04/2012 08:46

We want to put our house on the market and it needs a few things doing before we can do so. One of these is to sand and varnish the outside of the windows. It is quite a big job as they are in squares. Dh is, to put it mildly, not that keen on DIY, but we don't have the money to pay someone else so he has drawn up a list of jobs and started working through them. For background, I am f/t teacher (so on hols these 2 weeks) and he is SAHD.

He began doing the windows Saturday and we agreed that yesterday I would take the dc out (as I have done every day of the hols so far) so he could get on. However, yesterday he announced he was coming with us as he deserves one day with his family and he even accused me of not wanting him to come, regardless of DIY commitments . The windows are sanded but most of them are now unvarnished so I didn't feel it was a good time to leave them. He left them. Now today it is raining and is forecast to do so all week. So he has said he will have to leave them for now and snapped at me when I asked what would happen with the ones that are untreated. I am worried that they will get start to rot and I think he is too but is just snapping at me because he thinks he should have stayed and done it yesterday.

I am so pissed off at this being left half done, especially as it has been he who has been pushing for us to move and he who decided what needed doing before we could do so - this is not something I have pushed for, though I am keen to move.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

lecce · 09/04/2012 15:25

Oh well, looks like IABU then. He has spent today painting our bedroom instead so at least that is one other thing done. I have not been shirty with him so it's all good really.

To all those who say I should have done it, no way. As I said, I get very lttle quality time with the dc in term-time and I'm not giving up the holidays to not spend time with them doing something that he would do better than me anyway. He goes to all the toddler groups, gets to do all the school runs, goes to the special assemblies/other school events and this is what I get. Obviously, most holidays we spend most of the time together as a family but this time there is stuff to do and, yes, it's his role to do the lion's share of it I'm afraid.

OP posts:

Original poster

lecce · 09/04/2012 15:30

McHappyPants that sounds lovely for you but really wouldn't work for us. Even without a manic two yo running around, tipping up the paint, rocking the ladder, drinking the white spirits etc, dh likes to get in 'the zone' when he does DIY - 'tis the only way he can cope. When we were younger he used to get slightly stoned to do it (did work for him actually- wasn't the disaster it may sound) and now that times have changed he has Radio 3 on and Does Not Want To Be Disturbed!

OP posts:

PurpleRomanesco · 09/04/2012 15:32

You are both being unreasonable.

Him for not finishing what he started and you for not even considering doing it in he first place.

PurpleRomanesco · 09/04/2012 15:35

Did you both agree that you would work and he would be a SAHD, If so why are you giving him a hard time about it?

I would quite frankly tell DP to fuck off if he expected me to do all the DIY while he is off because I do mos of of the child care while he is working.

Do get over yourself lecce and you would be much better at DIY if you gave it some practice. There is no such thing as "Mans work" anymore.

McHappyPants2012 · 09/04/2012 15:38

I have a 2 year old and a 5 year old, jobs still get done

Original poster

lecce · 09/04/2012 15:43

I'm not giving him a hard time about it but I'm just saying that I'm not going to throw away a holiday (after a totally exhausting term btw) to get the house ready for sale when it is he who has decided we need to sell now- we had previously agreed to wait a year or two. It's not that I see it as 'Man's work' but just that, in our case, it is the man who is better at it. Luckily, he is also better at cooking and laundry too .

McHappyPants You are obviously just a much better person than I am then! .

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 09/04/2012 15:51

So when does he get a holiday? He still has to do work. If not childcare or housekeeping, he's doing DIY?

Where's the fairness in that?

Teeb · 09/04/2012 16:12

I think this is another one of those threads that if it were in reverse and the man saying he expected the sahm to be sewing curtains during the bank holiday weekend, because he deserves his holiday then it would be pretty clear what others thought of it.

Give him a break, DIY isn't fun for the majority of people. As another poster said, he should be entitled to a holiday too.

Original poster

lecce · 09/04/2012 16:14

Not a lot of DIY gets done in the normal of course of things - hence there is a lot to do now that we have decided to sell.

He gets plenty of holiday time - goes on a weekend away to visit friends a few times a year- the last such time was last week and most school holidays he opts in or out of family time/ outings as he wishes. He normally opts in but that's his choice- it still gives him plenty of free time.

In term-time I have pretty much no free time as I get home for dc's bedtime and then work when they've gone to bed. He has free evenings. He has way more free-time than me but that's largely because of my job. I think the way we do things is pretty fair, tbh.

OP posts:

elinorbellowed · 09/04/2012 17:25

You see, I think there are two kinds of jobs required to keep the household running, A: childcare and it's necessary aspects (feeding, bathing entertaining) and B: cleaning, laundry, DIY, gardening. Anything in Category A is fun, because you are with the children. Cat B is more dull and harder to do while caring for children.
In our house Cat A is divided equally and Cat B is more the responsibility of the current SAHP.
What I am saying is that I think the OP is entitled to focus on having fun with the kids while her SAHP did DIY. As he has outings with them every week.

WorraLiberty · 09/04/2012 17:30

'Throw away your holiday'?

What, all 13 weeks of it?

It's a spot of DIY....not painting the Sistine Chapel

ivykaty44 · 09/04/2012 17:41

it's his role to do the lion's share of it I'm afraid

Gosh a WSP....run

ShellyBoobs · 09/04/2012 18:25

13 weeks of holidays to do as you please and yet you're up in arms over your DH not staying at home to finish a DIY job which you could do yourself because you want him to?

Like others have said, there would be an outcry if someone posted about how her DH was expecting her to stay at home and work in the holidays when she's a SAHM.

Just imagine it: "I have to do all the childcare in term time because DH is never home in time to help, he comes home when DCs go to bed and then carries on working. When he's on his 13 weeks annual leave, he then expects me to do DIY while he goes on lovely outings with DC!"

Original poster

lecce · 09/04/2012 19:15

On what planet do I have 13 weeks to do as I please? I have to do a certain amount of work in that time and spend as much time as possible with the dc to make up for what I miss in term-time. of course, in a sense that is doing as I please, but the way you have written that makes it seem like I have 13 weeks sitting on my arse doing nothing and that is not the case. Why should a WOHP have to be responsible for projects initiated by the other parent when they are absolutely shattered after a really hectic term (or whatever)? It may be a good time to mention that ds2 (2) still sleeps really badly and I handle the majority of the night wakings so I am shattered - totally.

ShellyBoobs Just imagine it: "I have to do all the childcare in term time because DH is never home in time to help, he comes home when DCs go to bed and then carries on working. When he's on his 13 weeks annual leave, he then expects me to do DIY while he goes on lovely outings with DC!"

Yes but that's not what happened, is it? As I have said, I am home in time to help with bedtime, though it would be more convenient if I stayed at work that extra hour as then I could have an evening off. I want to be home in time to do bedtime (and feel shit on the few nights when it's not possible) but dh does benefit from this arrangement. I am not home to help the rest of the time because I am at work earning the money that keeps a roof over our heads - like most of the DHs you refer to. I carry on working when they've gone to bed not to spite dh in some strange way (as you seem to be implying) but because I have to.

As I also made clear, this whole fortnight of DIY was DH's idea, not mine, (though I am happy to go along with his plan of moving sooner than we planned). I am only expecting him to do it because it is because of him that it is necessary to fit as many of these jobs as possible into this 2 week holiday.

Sorry for the rant, but, tbh, as a wohp, it pisses me off when the SAHP acts as if the WOHP is working hard as some sort of indulgence, rather than doing what is needed to keep their job and therefore maintain the financial security of the family. I have read lots of threads on here like that and yours reminded me of them.

elinorbellowed Thank you, that is pretty much how we see it. Glad someone understands that there are some benefits to being a SAHP and wanting to enjoy your dc when you're on holiday doesn't mean you don't appreciate the work the SAHP does the rest of the year.

OP posts:

RVF400 · 09/04/2012 20:18

I'm using my wife's account - she left herself logged in ;0)

Unless its leaking, burning down etc then YES you are being unreasonable.

Its only DIY and there is more to life. Your other half has to go to work, hunt gather etc, so time is precious and your little one will not be little for long.

Cut him some slack and be happy he wants to spend time with you and Sprog.

Regards,
Andy
XX

ivykaty44 · 09/04/2012 21:05

Andy - you didn't read the op's post did you...

Whatmeworry · 09/04/2012 21:38

YABU they won't rot in s few days and anyone deserves a bit of Easter weekend off with their kids.

WorraLiberty · 09/04/2012 21:40

Lol if you're going to 'take avantage' of your wife leaving herself logged in, it's probably best to read the thread first Andy.

WhaleOilBeefHookedIWill · 09/04/2012 22:34

Lmao @ Andy

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