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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

menopausael grandma

38 replies

mostlyupbeat · 08/04/2012 21:13

AIBU to be terrified that my mother in law will not make any long term plans with her days now that she is retired, just in case I change my mind and decide to go back to work. This is all very strange considering I have told her that if I do go back to work then my LO will spend two days in nursery and the rest of the time with myself or my husband. She is now pinning all her hopes on me changing my mind....Gosh the pressure. Does the crazy grandparent obsession ever subside? I'm thinking of moving. I'm massively independent and need some space from her neediness.... Help Help Help

OP posts:

scummymummy · 08/04/2012 21:49

Ahem, joanna! Don't make me feel bad about leaving my kid with lackeys please! I have no adoring nana beating a path to my door to save my baby from neglect and my bank balance from disaster.

How old is your baby, mostly?

ABigGirlDoneItAndRanAway · 08/04/2012 21:50

"Dumpees" "paid lackey who couldn't give a toss"

Have a

Of course all working mothers who put their DCs in nursery are abandoning and neglecting them

TheLastHairyBunnyHop · 08/04/2012 21:51

Argh, first it was a load of nonsense - which the OP regrets and apologised for - about menopausal women. And now the water is going to be muddied by those who are against paid childcare of ANY sort.

McHappyPants2012 · 08/04/2012 21:55

Why is the op lucky to have an option of free child care from family members, it the best interest of the child not the gp or for the bank balance.

My mil has my dc when I work, I pay he petrol to come down to my home. However if nursery was the best option I would of used a nursery

GilbertandGeorge · 08/04/2012 21:55

I am in the fortunate position to have 2 willing and eager grandmas. So we have never had to pay for childcare and our dcs have benefited from spending time with their gps who love and enjoy them.

You are lucky op, some people don't have this option.

twentyten · 08/04/2012 21:58

I can understand. Set boundaries. I realise there is no such thing as 'free' childcare .

marriedinwhite · 08/04/2012 22:01

Controlling grannies I have sympathy with. Menopausal grannies, now I had my children late and am struggling, and that sounds like discrimination to me.

TheLastHairyBunnyHop · 08/04/2012 22:04

I'm with McHappy. We can't apply our own experiences of grandparent care to the OP, whose MIL may be a very different person to the grandmas of our own children.

Neither of my children's grandmothers would have been a suitable person to care for my dds when they were small. I wish that they had been, and would have jumped at the chance of all that help - but they weren't. And if the OP's MIL isn't either, then all the devoted grannies of other posters' children won't be able to change that.

We don't know this lady. If the OP isn't happy with her caring for her child, then it's her decision.

DuelingFanjo · 08/04/2012 22:05

yanbu, It's absolutely your decision who does your childcare.

Latara · 09/04/2012 08:10

I've known some girls who work at nurseries - often they do a (poorly paid) Apprenticeship & NVQs.
It's hard work & long hours. NVQ coursework is so repetitive but the skills learnt are useful & relevant. The girls i've known are caring & love children - they have to be dedicated to get through the training for what is still a low-paid under-valued job. Calling them 'paid lackeys' is disgusting.

OP - did your DH have a good upbringing? Your MIL may irritate you, but could actually have good parenting skills. My Mum doesn't get on with my Nan, but my relationship with Nan is very good. I would give your MIL a chance to care for your DD one morning a week, just to see what happens.. do sit her down first to discuss basic principles / ground rules but not too many. Luckily your MIL is only middle aged so she will hopefully be fit & healthy enough to care for a child.
Her controlling / smothering behaviour could be just desperation to spend time with her grandchild.
Obviously she may think she 'knows best' about childcare - Nans ALWAYS think that! :-) (& annoyingly they often do know best.!)
A good solution for DD may be a day with MIL (to get spoilt by Nan!) & a day at nursery (to socialise).

MILs can be frustating but give her a chance.
If childcare by MIL is too much for you then suggest a couple of hours a week of MIL eg. taking DD shopping.. Then MIL gets to enjoy spending money on pretty clothes for DD; which means you can save money that way AND keep MIL happy hehe..

ToothbrushThief · 09/04/2012 08:16

mostly -ignoring the menopausal grandma bit and just focusing on the parent trying to control you and own your DC - I appreciate your frustration.

Boundary setting really is the way forward. She could be a fantastic relative offering so much to your family if you could set boundaries around the other behaviour

It's better to be upfront and blunt about setting those boundaries rather than passively try and enforce ...and she resists and ...... it all simmers to a final relationship testing/breaking outburst

DPrince · 09/04/2012 08:29

OP - you don't want to use her for childcare, that's fine don't. Tell her
Joanna - you're an idiot. Unless you actually use a nursery (not I know someone whose uncles sister works in an bad one) you have no idea. My childs nursery is fab and is much better than my any of my family looking after him.

Mrsrobertduvall · 09/04/2012 08:36

I would not have wanted MIL within a mile of my dcs.
However PIL is a different kettle of fish.
He's great.

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