to not want DH sister to stay with us....

[Maeb]

My OH's family is messed up. The two sisters on his dad's side have always been rude and bitchy to me (7years) for no apparent reason. They drink heavily, are loud and opinionated and will often end up arguing with anyone who is around. I just ignore the comments, stay pleasant and wait for OH to decide he's had enough and then we get the hell out of Dodge before it all kicks off (again).

We last saw them at Christmas which was like an Eastenders Special, and one of the sisters was foul to me for chatting to her brother who she was annoyed with (honestly it is this petty).

So now this sister has invited herself and her boyfriend to stay at our house next week. We live in London so she is using us as a hotel so they can go to the theatre (The Lion King ffs) and not have to drive back to the coast. I'm really hacked off as last time we saw her (Christmas) she was foul to me plus our house is in the middle of major building works, we have no kitchen (just a microwave and toaster in the living room). I can't believe OH said yes without asking me. I wish I had the balls to call her and tell to reconsider, but I'm such a wimp.

Well in your op you don't sound like a wimp .. Get stuck into aibu for an extra rant have a glass of wine then phone her and her to fuck off the cheeky cahhhh

I'd be cross with my dh for letting someone stay in my house, who was rude to me.

You can tell dh he is not to do this again and either tell him to ring and cancel, or you phone her and tell her that you don't want her to stay or you have to put up with it.

If you cancel, you can either tell the truth or make a flimsy excuse.

I'd be inclined to cancel and say why, myself. I wouldn't have someone in my house who was rude to me and I'd expect dh to support that. If you wimp out of standing up for yourself, then the piss takers of this world will walk all over you.

Just tell her no, due to building works plus the way she spoke to you at Christmas. Be honest, say it's not convenient, you're not happy with the way she treated you at Christmas and your husband shouldve checked with you first. Might make her think on next time she starts swinging her head

Oh dear. She sounds like very hard work.

Any chance you could just disappear for the night and leave her to your OH to sort out?

If you'd prefer not to have a confrontation that is?

Otherwise - go and have a look at the thread in chat about odd happenings when visiting other people's houses. It's hilarious and you will get some fab ideas. Sorted.

It's now in Classics so here is the link:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/1444715-what-is-the-oddest-thing-someone-has-done-when-you-have-visited-their-house

If only I could! I'm only small, she's about 6inches taller than me and nearly twice my weight...I would put my money on her every day of the week.

Honestly - read that thread.
Endless ideas for weirdness you could act out.

Cold cooked spaghetti in the bed anyone??

What is your DP's excuse for saying yes to her? That's so not on.

Is it just one night after the theatre, then they leave the next morning? If so you'll hardly see them, I'm not sure I would kick up all the drama for that short amount of time.

What I would do is address the bigger problem with your DP and make sure he never does this again. I mean, what was he thinking?

Wait for her to get to your house and be rude to you the throw her and her boyfriend out so they either have to go home after the theatre or fork out to stay somewhere. Sounds like she is an unpleasant character so she should only be in your house for a few minutes. :o

Or wait for her to get to your house and just tell her that you've told dh that under no circumstances do you want her in your house after she has been so consistently rude to you and slam the door in her face.

If the worst happens and she does end up staying make sure you have accidentally on purpose lent out hidden all your spare blankets, pillows, sheets etc so they have a cold miserable night with the bare minimum (and don't let them sleep on a bed, make them sleep on the floor).

All of these should also having the added benefit of so incensing her that you'll be excluded from dh's family gatherings for a long time and just the thought of doing these should make you feel better and strong enough to discuss with dh that you don't want her to come.

Out of nosiness interest, how well does your dh get on with this sister usually?

I'm not good at confrontation but I'm sick of being a pushover. I'll have another word with DH later. He is useless though and will get all moody.

TBH we have had my parents stay, but when they come down they help out. My dad has helped me decorate the bedrooms and my mum has helped sort stuff (and done ironing - gawd bless her!). He gets on very well with my folks and they love him to bits. If it was his parents (even though they don't help...hmmm!) I would still make them as comfortable as possible and look after them. I just don't want to have to wash and iron bedding for some ungrateful bully ;)

It sounds very unlikely that he'll ring and call it off. As you say, he'll get moody with you and won't want the confrontation. Feel the courage of your conviction and ring her saying that it's inconvenient with the building work and if you're feeling brave tell her that you're not comfortable around her. With any luck, she'll be so offended you won't have to ever see her again.

"she's about 6inches taller than me and nearly twice my weight"
Do you really think she might hit you? If she does, call the police.

dreamingbohemian - she called him this morning and after along chat threw the question in and caught him off guard. You are right it is only one night but then they stayed in November on their way to Heathrow, again DH picks up the restaurant tab. So we're just a free hotel! If she was nice and good company and the house was complete then I wouldn't mind at all. But I would never dream of asking to stay at someone's house if I didn't like them or if I knew it would in convenience them.

zipzap - he get's on okay with her. She is actually one of the more together siblings -half-siblings - 5 in total. She can be okay but after a few drinks (there's always a few drinks) she becomes mean and argumentative. DH is about 10 years older than them and he feels bad that they are all screwed up. Seeing as their parents are unreliable they go to him when they need money as he is a soft touch. When I first met him he had enough of them and wanted to cut them off but Little Miss GivePeaceAChance here persuaded him on the importance of family...oh how I laugh now!

I like the cold spaghetti idea!

Then don't wash and iron bedding!

Try to separate the fact of them staying from how you have to treat them while staying.

In other words, because you are a decent person, you are assuming if they come to stay you have to present them with a nice place to crash and all the other things one does.

But you don't!

Let them stay but do not make any effort for them. Throw any old sheets on the bed, don't put extra food in the fridge, don't make it too nice for them in any way.

If you can get away with staying somewhere else yourself I'd do that too.

sorry x-post

I see what you mean but if they are going to the theatre presumably they won't get to your house until so late that you don't have to hang out with them?

Explain that you are busy beforehand so they really can't come to yours until after the show.

I'd either tell her she couldn't come because of her behaviour (when the hell will people like this be told?) or I'd make sure I was away for the weekend. If you do that, he should tell her it's because of her behaviour.

However, if you do go away and she stays, she mustn't be allowed to stay again. There's no way you should be put out of your house for her.

As for the restaurant bill, forget that! Buy in three pizzas and leave them to it.

Surely as it is her husbands house too he has every right to have his sister stay for one night!!?? Don't do the bedding - his guest let him sort it.

RedHelenB - and I'm supposed to let her be rude to me in my own home? I put up with it at family gatherings because if I didn't attend then I know DH would see his family even less than he does now as he'd be less inclined to go if I wasn't there.

I have his father making letchy remarks, his sisters making snide comments and you don't want to know about his brothers! I put up with a lot and continue to be friendly and polite with them all for DH's sake. But I don't want that behaviour in my home and if I had a friend or family member who made him feel anxious/uncomfortable then I wouldn't let them stay either.

That's why I think you have more of a DP problem than a SIL problem.

I think it's totally reasonable to present that sort of divide to him: you will put up with his family at gatherings but you don't want it in your home. He should respect that.

Just book yourself into the nearest nice hotel. Problem solved. If that's not an option then you need to have it out with your dh - he's the one who's caused the problem, he's the one who can solve it. Don't lift a finger for anything to do with their visit. As the poster before said, they're his guests and his problem.

I wouldn't do anything to prepare for her stay. Husband is prepared to allow someone who treats me like shit into our home and expect me to be maid? fuck THAT. He'd be preparing the room, and cooking, and entertaining.

I would probably take off to my parents or a hotel.

Alone.

He could take care of the kids too.

Because I bet you'll be expected to get the room ready, be the perfect hostess, smile nicely and serve the food.

Won't you?

dreamingbohemian - you are right of course. He is just trying the least hassle route which I'm guilty of too. Maybe I'll feed him up (he's more compliant when he's fed!) and then try and talk to him about it.

I feel for him though, my family is so normal, he says how lovely it is that he can be so relaxed with them while his family is so dysfunctional. My family has issues like any other family but we suppress them like you're supposed to do!

Oh I do sympathise, my family are a nightmare and I know it's easy to say just stand up to them but it doesn't always work.

For me, it's not that I'm afraid to stand up to them, it's that so often it just makes things even worse. They are not normal people and they don't react to things rationally. Perhaps your DH thought a few hours of annoyance was not as bad as the years of abuse he would receive if he said no.

Definitely just talk to him. I think you should be sympathetic but you need to draw that red line: not in your house. Don't just make it his problem though, work together to come up with ways to avoid it in future -- like, coming up with automatic responses or handy excuses so he doesn't get blindsided again.

dreamingbohemian - Like you he's not afraid to talk to his family about the drinking, the self-destructive behaviour but it's just that the words bounce off them. As you say they don't react to things rationally, they're defensive or in denial. I think he feels that he is a stabilizing influence on them and so is duty bound to be accommodating.

My problem is I don't know how to defend myself effectively without becoming emotional so I probably come across as dumb (as in I don't 'get' the jibes) or a pushover.

Thanks for the advice.

Hmm. Instead of focusing on defending yourself, can you aim for 'jaded and blase'?

Believing and projecting an attitude of: I know you're all fuckwits but I can't be bothered to even begin to deal with it, so I'm just going to sit here and pretend to give a fuck while laughing on the inside about how stupid you all are.

This goes along with a strategy, for the visit, of: My DH was kind-slash-stupid enough to let you stay here, but I'll be going out with friends that night and you can find the musty unironed sheets on your own.

I know it's hard, but try to stop caring what they think of you. I mean, are these the kind of people you want to think highly of you?

again, you're right. It's just hard to suppress the people-pleaser in me. I'll speak with kind-slash-stupid later and if we don't come to an agreement I'll go out that night and he can play host.

I'll make sure the builders leave the house extra dusty too so their clothes get filthy too!