Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want a massive party to celebrate my 40th?

53 replies

lottielou39 · 08/04/2012 10:34

Lots of people I know have recently, through the power of Facebook, posted hundreds of photos of 40th birthday bashes with giant 3 tiered cakes, hired bands, 100 of their closest mates, followed by photos of their weekend spa trip to Milan, then photos of the fifteen nights out they had in celebration. I don't want a 40th party. Am I weird or AIBU?

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 08/04/2012 12:37

I'm 40 in 5 months and have told everyone I know that I don't want a big fuss and there won't be a party of any description. I dislike parties and positively hate surprise ones. A surprise party would be my worst nightmare and tbh smacks of people organising something they would want, or something they think the birthday person should have because it's the done thing iyswim, rather than what the birthday person actually wants.

Instead, I'm going for a meal with some friends, drinks with work colleagues and hopefully another meal just with DS and my parents. I'm single so there'll be no being whisked off to Paris, Barcelona or even the Lake District, no big presents, not even a lie-in on the day Sad. I'm skint but going to see if I can stretch to a few day trips and maybe a weekend away with DS. So I'll be marking my birthday, but just not with a party.

Mrsrobertduvall · 08/04/2012 13:13

I hate parties and would have a panic attack if dh arranged a surprise one.
He hates them too.

I just went out for dinner with a few friends for my 40th and same for 50th.

I expect my 60th will be as low key, however by then the dcs will have left home Grin so we may go away somewhere.

ladybirdpoppy · 08/04/2012 13:16

I fully understand were you are coming from, I am 40 in July and have already been asked several times about a party. I don't want one, I had one when I was 30 at home with family and friends, and it was so time consuming in the preparation and cleaning up.
I would rather spend the money on myself. My OH was 40 last year so we are planning to go on a nice holiday later this year. There are many people I know that have treated themselves to a special present or holiday rather than a party at 40. My SIL went to New York just prior to Christmas, one of my other friends went to Edinburgh on a spa weekend.

hatesponge · 08/04/2012 13:21

I'm having a party for my 40th next month. Various reasons - I love parties, haven't had one since I was in my 20s. Also I am single, very likely to remain so, and so have never had the big wedding or anything, so my party is a little in lieu of that.

Most of my friends are having parties too, just because it is such a milestone. Some are just celebrating with dinner, or drinks though, each to their own. I don't think anyone should feel obliged to have a party if they don't want one.

Maeb · 08/04/2012 13:28

My DH didn't want a party for his 40th. I wanted to arrange a rugby match between all his friends and a party later on. No, he definitely didn't want that.

About two months after his birthday he told me he wished he'd had a party, how it would have been great to see everyone, how a testimonial match would have been fantastic etc, etc.

dreamingbohemian · 08/04/2012 13:33

YANBU!

We moved abroad 2 days before my 40th so no chance of a big party and it was actually a relief.

DH and I spent the day in Ikea (yuck) and the evening binging on gorgeous wine and cheese and drunkenly watching Eurovision (brilliant!)

Had we still been in London I would have had some birthday drinks/lunches with friends but nothing major. I hate being the centre of attention.

dreamingbohemian · 08/04/2012 13:35

accountant please don't think she doesn't like you, she's probably just a bit of an introvert like many of us on this thread.

It's hard to explain why it feels so uncomfortable, it's really not personal though.

Heswall · 08/04/2012 13:40

One of the least popular people I know had a big 40th recently, apparently 100 went, the photo's told a different story. Not sure what she wanted to prove or whether she just wanted to confirm to herself that she has indeed got no friends.

TapirBackRider · 08/04/2012 13:50

I don't do suprise parties - and dh didn't even bother asking if I wanted one. Instead he organised a suprise long weekend in Geneva, sans children. It was fabulous.

A friend of mine treated her dh to a weekend in New York for his; for her 40th she's getting a weekend in a caravan! Hmm

GnomeDePlume · 08/04/2012 14:01

For DH's 40th we went on a shag fest to Beaune. For mine we went to Provence. Not sure what we will do (or have the stamina for!) for our 50ths!

DH and I have an agreement that any surprise party plans should be scuppered.

DFiL insisted on arranging a surprise birthday party for DMiL at our house (we were happy to host just didnt like the surprise bit). Thinking she was just coming to our house for dinner DMiL refused to get dressed up. She was then mortified to find all her closest friends waiting to wish her a happy birthday when she was wearing a stained sweatshirt (nice to know we werent worth putting clean clothes on for!).

noinspiration · 08/04/2012 14:07

I'd really hate a surprise party for any reason, and would probably slink off when no one was looking. Once at work a colleague arranged a lunch out for my birthday, to pizza hut (I loathe pizza), and invited the whole audit department (none of whom I knew or had any desire to know), who ate and drank the place dry before splitting the bill evenly so I got a bill for approx 4 times what I'd actually eaten. At the time I was on an extremely tight budget as I'd just bought a flat, so his 'kind' gesture cost me my week's food budget Hmm

For my 40th I will do nothing at all. I mean that. No housework, nothing! Grin

ladydeedy · 08/04/2012 14:14

Ugh I hate parties as does DH and we were just talking about this on a long drive yesterday. We'd both rather poke our own eyes out! For my 40th we went to the Maldives which was complete bliss and woth every penny as I think back to our lovely time there frequently! We are both going to be 50 next year and wondering what to do. We're thinking of a short trip to Paris by train, with champagne and oysters for mine, and going to revisit our honeymoon destination in Greece for his (as it is in the summertime and close to the date of our anniversary). Or maybe we'll go for a curry Smile - as long as we do something nice together we dont really care.

CoteDAzur · 08/04/2012 14:18

I had 20 girlfriends and a normal cake for my 40th. We had great fun.

You don't need to exaggerate, but 40 is an important milestone and it should be celebrated imho.

To each their own, of course, and YANBU to not want a party.

Mrsrobertduvall · 08/04/2012 14:38

But why is it a milestone?

accountantsrule · 08/04/2012 16:29

Thanks dreamingbohemium, I am sure that is the reason but you know what its like, a few of us had a bottle of wine the other night and started talking about it and everyone felt a bit hurt etc but she is actually a lovely person but maybe a bit quiet and different from us I guess.

sausageandpickle · 08/04/2012 16:39

I took my DH away for the weekend for his 40th, but spent mine in labour and giving birth to DS3! Many of my friends have had big parties and SIL has already invited us to hers in August, but it is a long way to travel to celebrate her remaining alive for so long Wink

Original poster
lottielou39 · 08/04/2012 16:53

I don't get the 'milestone' thing either. It's just another day in the calendar.

OP posts:
scarletforya · 08/04/2012 17:31

YADNBU I refused to celebrate mine at all. I was in the horrors about being 40 and banned the whole thing!

I went to a hotel with my DP and had a day out at the races.

BambinoBoo · 08/04/2012 17:40

YANBU. The thought of any type of occasion where I am the centre of attention makes me want to run for the hills. DH is the same. Tis why we eloped. It's my 40th next year and I hope to go to Ronnie Scotts (always wanted to) with DH and a few close friends. Dinner, good music and dancing.

saintlyjimjams · 08/04/2012 17:41

I didn't want one either. I bought myself a dog instead :)

Cloudminnow · 08/04/2012 17:48

YANBU! Big milestone parties can be a bit of a chore. For my 40th I decided to go to Paris for the weekend with DH (grandparents had the DCs). I would recommend this, unless you really love hosting and attending parties. Definitely don't have a party just because you feel you ought to!

R2PeePoo · 08/04/2012 17:54

YANBU

My mum started discussions about my 30th birthday at least 6 months before. It took five months to persuade her that no, I hate big parties and being the centre of attention (you'd think she'd know this, being my mother and all) and then she went quiet so I started to panic.

DH asked me if I wanted a party, I said no and then panicked that he had organised a surprise party. It wasn't fun worrying and clenching up everytime he took me for a car ride in the weeks before my birthday.

In the end I put the kids to bed on my birthday, sat down with DH and a glass of wine and there was a knock on the door. My mum, her partner and my brother had driven 60 miles to surprise me. They had all my favourite foods and drinks and ordered a chinese takeaway.

Turns out they had gone quiet because they had been organising it. It was a very lovely birthday and I thoroughly enjoyed it and I am very glad I didn't have a huge party with everyone staring at me .

defineme · 08/04/2012 18:02

Re the 'milestone' thing I think it depends on your view of all this sort of stuff. I believe tradition and celebration bind us together and make up the fabric of our lives. I'm not religious, but believe humans have been celebrating birthdays for a long long time for a reason. 40 is approximately midway-a great opportunity for celebration/reflection and so on.

However, a party is really depending on your personality- no point if you don't like them. You cann mark a special occasion in myriad ways, think it's a shame to ignore it though.

I plan to go to Glastonbury with 2 friends I've known for well over 20 years and have fun celebrating memories and making some new ones. Will also go to pub with dh and other friends, will go for meal with kids.
Dh is 50 soon and we'll be going, with kids, to log cabin in woods with hot tub because that's his idea of heaven.

luvviemum · 08/04/2012 18:04

YANBU.

When I was 40, my idea of a good time was a couple of nights of luxury and pure relaxation away from the DC in a spa hotel with DH. That's exactly what we did - I also invited two of my closest pals over to join us one day for some champagne and lunch. Was absolutely fantastic!

Couln't think of anything worse than a party but maybe that's because I was always knackered with two very young kids so the pampering option was by far the most appealing!!

TeaOneSugar · 08/04/2012 18:10

We keep talking about a party, but I don't think I can be bothered arranging one.

We're going away just the two of us, so I think that's enough, we might take some close friends out for dinner, and maybe a separate meal out for family, but I don't fancy the big hire a hall, book a DJ kind of thing.