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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my ds's friend

29 replies

wicketter · 07/04/2012 20:25

My son's birthday is coming up and he wants a sleepover with his friends. No problem so far but he wants his bff to attend. This child has thrown my nail varnish over walls and carpets, drawn over my walls and dented my car by throwing toys out of the window, all this in his mother's presence who has done nothing. My son will be eight and all other friends invited are very well behaved. How do i not invite this child without offending his mother when she is a good friend. AIBU

OP posts:
ChristIsTrulyRisen · 07/04/2012 20:27

I think it might be a wake up call for her.

Original poster
wicketter · 07/04/2012 20:33

I dont think it will be unfortunately. he was banned from the house for a while and it made no difference.

OP posts:
SparkyMcSparrowLaidMiniEggs33 · 07/04/2012 20:36

Maybe you have to offend her to make her realise?

HolyCalamityJane · 07/04/2012 20:38

Is it a girl or a boy sorry you said BFF?

WorraLiberty · 07/04/2012 20:42

I'm not sure there is a way to not invite him without offending her

That doesn't mean you should put up with him possibly wrecking your house again though.

Where were you when he was doing all that last time?

Original poster
wicketter · 07/04/2012 20:45

it is a boy and they have been friends since birth (if thats possible). I have tried to make her realise how naughty he can be but she does nothing. my ds is in love with this boy because it was his first friend and wont let him go

OP posts:
Heyyyho · 07/04/2012 20:46

Bloody difficult one hmmmm I think you have to be as honest as you can " look X do you remember what happened last time with my car etc. I really can't chance it again I'm really sorry" .... Would that work?

Original poster
wicketter · 07/04/2012 20:46

the boys where in the bedroom and we were downstairs. but they are seven and should be able to play alone. also, have a very small house.

OP posts:
Original poster
wicketter · 07/04/2012 20:48

have tried being subtle. but "boys will be boys" sorry but i have three of them and they dont behave like that

OP posts:
longjane · 07/04/2012 20:48

lay down the rule s

if he bishave you phone his mumand he will go home and act on it

Original poster
wicketter · 07/04/2012 20:51

Problem is that the parents see no problem. So i risk my son losing his bf and also me losing a bf.
Have also laid down rules but i cant enforce them if mum is sitting there

OP posts:
AChickenCalledKorma · 07/04/2012 20:51

Will the fact that his mother is not present help? As in, at the first sign of trouble you will be perfectly without your rights to storm in there and send him home?

Although I must admit that the idea of a sleepover with multiple 8yo boys sounds like a recipe for trouble to me. No chance you can persuade your son to do something else (preferably outdoors in a wide open space) for his party and invite one (nice, well-behaved) friend to sleep over? that seems to be the norm around here at that age.

Original poster
wicketter · 07/04/2012 20:53

Would love to do that. But thankfully live in a very close knit community and there is only one child to worry about, all others are ok

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/04/2012 20:55

It's a tough one really because that is absolutely not a friendship I'd want to encourage my child to keep.

AChickenCalledKorma · 07/04/2012 20:58

Maybe it's time to let the hit the fan, by refusing to let the child sleep over?

HolyCalamityJane · 07/04/2012 21:00

I feel really Sad for the little boy. Speaking as a mum who's DD has ADHD I would be really gutted if other parent's spoke about her in this way. We are really strict with her but she can have her moments when her behaviour is a bit OTT and boisterous. It sounds like your DS would just be happy to have this one child over for the sleepover and as the mum won't be there you might find he won't give you as much trouble if you lay down the law.

Original poster
wicketter · 07/04/2012 21:15

I dont think he has ADHD i just think he is very spoilt

OP posts:
HolyCalamityJane · 07/04/2012 21:20

Well in that case do not punish him for the way his parents have brought him up. Give him a chance he is only 8. It would be heartbreaking for him not to be invited to his best friends party and heartbreaking for your son too.

cabbagesoup · 07/04/2012 21:24

What's he like when mum isn't there?? I have the same situation with Naughty friend and find when mums not around I do have to keep an eye but he responds really well to me, as I don;t hesitate to give him a telling off if he does something not acceptable in my house -I do lay down the law a bit, so I guess he knows where he stands.

I did drive him home from a tea date once, I told him I would if he would't stop swearing in from of my 4 year old, he was just saying a few rude words - Gave him warning he carried on, so I took him home!! ever since then he listens..

I would maybe give him a chance, give the boys the rules say that anything that's not acceptable he gets taken home??? Thats surely would be enough for him to behave?

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 07/04/2012 21:57

Tell the truth - X can't come because he is so naughty. If anyone comments, remind them/tell them about the incidents you mentioned in your first post. They happened, you saw/cleaned up after them, they are undeniable and you are right not to want him in your house again, especially since his mother refuses to deal with his behaviour. I wouldn't have had him in the house again after the first time she ignored him doing something like that - if she won't deal with him, there's no way you can change his behaviour. Just stay calm, be factual and use a matter of fact tone, and just tell the truth. If she's offended, well maybe she needs to take a look at her parenting techniques and her son's behaviour.

gafhyb · 07/04/2012 22:27

I wouldn't have a sleepover.

But, more helpfully, I'd give him a chance and deal with him as you would your own child. And if he behaves very badly, I'd take him aside, warn him he'll have to go home, and mean it.

Gumby · 07/04/2012 22:29

I'd invite him but tell him as soon as he misbehaves he's going straight home

exoticfruits · 07/04/2012 22:42

Get him on his own first and be a real dragon-tell him one step wrong and he is going home.

WorraLiberty · 07/04/2012 22:44

Well in that case do not punish him for the way his parents have brought him up. Give him a chance he is only 8. It would be heartbreaking for him not to be invited to his best friends party and heartbreaking for your son too

I can see where you're coming from Holy but let's not forget the severity of what the child did last time.....

This child has thrown my nail varnish over walls and carpets, drawn over my walls and dented my car by throwing toys out of the window

I don't think protecting your home from getting trashed is actually punishing the child...although ultimately I imagine the child will be upset. However, at some point in his life he will have to learn that his actions have consequences and since he doesn't appear to be learning that from his own parents, he's going to have to learn it from other people.

He may be 'only' 8 but that is a great age to learn you don't get to treat other people's houses like that and then be invited back to sleep there.

rhondajean · 07/04/2012 23:26

I'm sorry and I do agree that largely its not the boys fault but no way would I let this child in my house never mind for a sleepover.

And if that offended anyone , so be it.

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