ending friendships

[sooze41]

This is a tricky one. I have a friend I have known since college, although we have never lived near each other so have only seen each other a couple of times a year for the past 20 years. A few years ago she became a weightwatchers group leader, and constantly comments on peoples weight, judging them and saying things like "there's no need to be like that, no excuse to be overweight, she would be so much more attractive if she were thinner" etc. I find her obsession really annoying and shallow. Anyway, my own daughter is 18 and has gained weight over the past two years, and I have found myself Making excuses not to have this friend round simply because I can't bear the thought of her judging my daughter (as I know she will having heard the way she talks of others). My question is, should I tell her straight what I think of her attitude or carry on Making excuses not to see them? I have avoided seeing them the past couple of times they are in the area but I can't make excuses forever.

Tell her, if she was round your house being racist/anti-semetic/agist in front of family members who were in a group she had exception to, then you would not stand for it. No one gets to have an opinion no matter how strongly held if they simply swing it around without considering people's feelings. If you cannot relax with her, then get this dealt with

If you want to remain friends, I would ring and say that you understand how that she is passionate about her job however under no circumstances is she to bring up weight issues in front of your DD.

I'd just tell her. It does no good to protect people from the consequences of their hurtful behaviour. For a start, it doesn't give them the opportunity to think about their behaviour and decide whether or not they want to change.

what justHecate says. You sadly say you would love to see her but knowing how she feels about fat people you feel too awkward about it and it isn't fair on your daughter, so you don't feel free to get together. Hopefully she will back peddle madly and reconsider her comments.
Weird she can be so judgemental and a leader for people trying to shed weight. You would think she would know that it isn't as simple as all that for most people. Maybe she has just got a bit evangelical about it and hasn't realised she has gone overboard.

I agree, it's just difficult to distance yourself from someone you have known for so long but only see a couple of times a year anyway. If all I'm feeling is dread at the thought of spending time with her obviously its time to say something...just not looking forward to the conversation. I have taken the cowards way out yet again and made excuses not to see them this week but if she gets in touch again I will have to take the bull by the horns I guess. The reason I asked for a female perspective is that my hubby thinks I should just put up with her since its only once or twice a year for an afternoon or evening!

Maybe your dh is right to an extent - if it wasn't going to personally affect your daughter - that makes it different.

I have listened to some out-there views from friends which I don't agree with myself, everyone is different, and wouldn't necessarily challenge, but if I thought it would upset someone I would. That changes the slant on things I think. :)

Just say to her face that you don't want to discuss weight issues. Surely a good friend tells the other what they're thinking, or pulls them up on things like this, rather than just disappearing?

I wouldn't avoid seeing this friend but I would head her off at the pass at the first sign of any comment about your dd's weight. Be firm and say "this isn't up for discussion, I'm afraid" - or similar.

It does no good to protect people from the consequences of their hurtful behaviour. For a start, it doesn't give them the opportunity to think about their behaviour and decide whether or not they want to change.

What a brilliant couple of sentences Hectate. Very pertinent and worth remembering in many situations. I'm going to use that myself if you don't mind!

And I agree. OP if you don't say anything you will be on tenterhooks when your friend comes over and if she does say something critical about your DD it will be very upsetting and much more difficult to deal with in the heat of the moment.

I would tell her VERY firmly that you'd like her to come over but you must insist that the topic of weight gain/ weight loss must not be discussed. Add that you can't ( don't want to) go into the reasons why at the moment.
If she comes and talks about it, with you or your daughter you will have every reason to let the friendship fade.
ATM you are preempting what she will do/ say. Give her a chance maybe?

Your 'friend' sounds a lot like Marjorie Dawes from Little Britain. Maybe if she passes comment, you should mention the similarity to her! ;)

Your 'friend' sounds a lot like Marjorie Dawes from Little Britain. Maybe if she passes comment, you should mention the similarity to her! ;)

If it weren't for this issue, would you want to maintain contact? I think that is unclear from your OP. if you enjoy her company outside of this, arrange for a lunch plus shopping date.
And may I kindly suggest you consider your DDS weight? Is it an issue and does she need help?
Sorry, more questions there than may be helpful?

I'd meet the friend away from your house, and keep your options open. (Unless you als dislike her for other reasons).

And separately, thinking about Hecate's comment about doing nobody favours if you shield them from the consequences of their choices, what might help return your DD to a healthy weight. You want to protect her from comments by this adult (who you can shield her from), but you cannot protect her from her peer group (who may come at it from a far less constructive angle than a diet-programme leader). Depending on what, if any, role you think you could/should be taking in regard to your DD's health and weight, you might even be minded to enlist this person as an ally.

OH GOD this is why I'd totally steer away from weight watchers type places--- total lack of insight and compassion (not saying all WW leaders are like this etc etc).
Personally I wouldn't really want to be friends with someone who held these views but saying that I do have friends where I have consciously decided that I can hold the tension of opposite views (on perhaps more severe things than this) in the friendship. Id you did feel you could address it with her direct I think that would be great though as this is how we all learn by being challenged. But as for letting her near your daughter until the conversation has been had--not sure I would.

I must add here that my daughter is by no means obese! She is pretty normal by most peoples standards but used to be very thin! Anyway just to say I did tell her what I thought about her attitude, she was horrified that I hadn't said anything earlier and had been to see a counsellor about her obsession, and that I wasn't the first friend to tell her about this issue. We have agreed to meet up next time she is in town and chat about it further. To be honest I feel better just getting it off my chest!

So glad you spoke to your friend. Now you both have the facts and can see each other's point of view. That's what friendship is - being honest and bearing with each other.