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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think about leaving my bloke?

26 replies

newmum75 · 07/04/2012 08:46

every time my boyfriend and I have a disagreement (which is not very often) he refuses to talk about it and gives me the silent treatment until he's ready to talk to me again (but he'll still never talk about the thing we argued about).

The last falling out was a couple of days ago and really upset me. After a day of letting me stew, he started creeping round me again and trying to talk to me about trivial stuff. I've had enough of this "tactic" and don't think it's very healthy for our relationship. I've said to him before that I don't like it but he doesn't seem to care.

We've been together for about 3 years and I can imagine this problem will just get worse.

I'd really appreciate any advice. Not sure if I'm overreacting.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 07/04/2012 08:48

YANBU.

EostreAngelofchocolateeggs · 07/04/2012 08:50

I don't think you're overreacting. He's sulking and sometimes sulking can be used as a form of control, more so if they do it every time you have an argument which is sounds as if he does.

Do you find yourself altering your behaviour at these times? Do you feel like you're walking on egg shells?

You may want to think about posting this in relationships.

CailinDana · 07/04/2012 08:53

YANBU.

Sulking behaviour is awful, childish and destructive. It puts you in a totally powerless position - while he's sulking you can't say anything to him and once he "decides" to start talking again the issue you really wanted to talk about is off the table. It ensures that you are made to keep silent about whatever is really bothering you.

marriedinwhite · 07/04/2012 09:25

I think it depends of the seriousness of the disagreements. DH and I probably have a row about a once a year. I am the fiery one and bottle it all up and then go balistic. DH has probably shouted about three times in 23 years. When we have a row it's over for me the minute it's over. For DH it takes at least 24 hours and he goes all all silent and one syllablish until we have edged across the bed for a proper hug.

startwig1982 · 07/04/2012 09:29

I used to be like this before I got married and now I try really hard to talk to DH about things. However, I still need a little space before doing so. That being said, we don't argue much at all. Maybe try giving him an hour or so to sulk and then try talking to him.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 07/04/2012 09:35

If its an argument that has really upset you, YANBU. It's fine to let little arguments slide when you know they have only come from one of you beinga bit grumpy or stressed and they are about something trivial, but not if the arguement was about an actual issue that needs dealing with.

It's sad that you are thinking of leaving instead of thinking of ways to deal with it though. I think that says that there must be other weaknesses in the relationship too.

Original poster

newmum75 · 07/04/2012 09:55

Just decided to speak to him about it. It helped because he explained why he was angry but still annoyed I had to break the ice. He got irate again and walked off again... Not helpful.

OP posts:

LadyBeagleEyes · 07/04/2012 09:59

YANBU.
My ex did this. I hate sulking and the silent treatment.
Even If we hadn't had a row he'd get in a sulk and I would have to rack my brain wondering what I had done wrong.
Walking on egg shells is a good expression.

puds11 · 07/04/2012 10:01

I speak from experience when i say, it doesnt get better. My DP deploys the ignore everything tactic, which drives me insane! I have explained to him time and time again that if he just talked to me about it like a normal grown up then the problem would be solved a lot quicker and more definiatively.

puds11 · 07/04/2012 10:02

never changes anything though. I honsetly believe our relationship would be much better if he could talk openly

pjmama · 07/04/2012 10:03

In a relationship you need to be able to disagree, argue and then resolve it in a way that you're both happy with, even if it's just to agree to disagree and move on. When one party shuts down and refuses to even discuss, then they're taking all the control and leaving the other person powerless. There are only so many times that you will be able to move past one of these unresolved episodes before resentment at not being heard by him builds up to the point that you one day find that you just don't feel the same way about him any more.

Does he accept that his approach to conflict is unfair on you, or that he finds it difficult to discuss issues? Would he be willing to go to counselling to find a better way? If the answer to all those questions is no, then I would be considering the future of the relationship too.

Panamama · 07/04/2012 10:03

YANBU. And I agree that it won't stop.

ImperialBlether · 07/04/2012 10:37

There is nothing worse than living with someone who a) sulks and b) won't discuss the cause of the sulk and c) won't discuss the actual sulk.

I think this will be the way he's responded to problems throughout his life and yes, I think it tends to get worse.

Do you have a child together?

solidgoldbrass · 07/04/2012 10:39

Oh dump him, it will only get worse. Sulking like this is a way of making sure he gets his own way all the time and that your world revolves around him ie you'll do anything not to have to put up with the sulks.
Well don't put up with them, get rid of him. It's fine to dump an inadequate man, and if you do it before you have DC with him so much the better.

Floggingmolly · 07/04/2012 11:48

I don't think there's any way back from "thinking of leaving", tbh. When you get to that point, it's already over. Sorry.

Original poster

newmum75 · 07/04/2012 12:00

Thanks for all your wise words. I'm going to have a proper chat with him later when we've got a bit of time to ourselves. Your responses have made me think - I want to work it out. We get on brilliantly most of the time. I have my faults too but don't tell him that!

OP posts:

TiggyD · 07/04/2012 12:01

Leaving the situation for a while is a good idea, but not discussing it afterwards is bad.
Leave him and find one that doesn't do that. There are plenty.

purplewithred · 07/04/2012 12:03

XDP was like this. For over 20 years. I made the big mistake of putting up with it. Poisoned the relationship.

I do know a couple who went to counselling to learn how to resolve their arguments, and it was very successful, but of course you both have to buy in to the problem.

GinPalace · 07/04/2012 12:10

It would be deal breaker for me and I don't think I would have got as far as 3 years from the info given here - but you know the full picture, so are in a better position to judge.
But, if it helps you to know that you not liking this behaviour is not you being irrational, my thoughts are:
Hard to see how you can overcome all that life has to throw at you if one half of the team blocks any effort to resolve problems/disagreements etc. It only works when it's going well? All very well, until some of lifes trickier moments pop up.
I would not see this as man I could stand shoulder to shoulder with against anything - he seems a fair weather friend to me. A person has to be able to face the good, the bad the ugly and the indifferent.
HTH

BoffinMum · 07/04/2012 12:58

I wonder if he has learned this tactic from one of his parents?

MixedClassBaby · 07/04/2012 15:52

The shutting down and refusing to talk is infuriating. With my dh it has never really improved and we have so many issues, some important and some less so, that have just been left hanging and never resolved. I've always felt that things would improve with time but they haven't. I know he's a good person deep down and that knowledge helps me move on after each one-sided argument. I think I could be a lot happier though if only he would discuss things. I don't believe it's a control thing with dh, but a coping mechanism which he employs as he doesn't know what to do when confronted with anything. Not sure if this helps op, suppose I'm saying that your dp might change and it's up to you what you're prepared to put up with.

Pandemoniaa · 07/04/2012 15:52

I come from a family who are fairly even tempered until we are pushed beyond tolerance. When we snap. But briefly and then put everything behind us. So sulkers would never have been tolerated and actually, nobody does sulk and I really can't be doing with people who do the silent treatment.

It is childish and controlling and for that reason, I've never been able to sustain a relationship with anyone who thinks that sulks are the way to tackle disagreements. Because even the happiest couples will disagree over something.

MixedClassBaby · 07/04/2012 15:54

*might not change

Cherriesarelovely · 07/04/2012 16:03

I don't think going off and letting the dust settle for a little while is a bad thing at all. It's not necessarily "sulking". I often do this but that is so DP and I can come back together when we are both calmer to talk about the situation. I think I would struggle greatly with someone who refused to talk stuff through at all. I can understand how you might worry about this in the long term.

CaramelisedOnion · 08/04/2012 01:58

YANBU. In fact - I suggest you leave now. This cycle is a horrid one (I´ve been there) - IMO its a power thing - he knows as others have said that the silent treatment is impossible to reason with - then you just have to wait until he´s finished being silent. The next stage is that you pretend that nothing has happened because you daren´t point out how upsetting the silent treatment is for you lest you set him off again.

Its miserable and demeaning. It also is a horrible feeling to feel that you are not heard.

Its emotional abuse. And here I put in my first......

Leave the bastard.

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