To want dh to leave family business?

[RosesAreBlue]

This is my first ever post on MN as I desperately need some help and advice! Dh and have been together 6 years and married for 4 and have 3 beautiful dc together. I have been getting increasingly unhappy- mainly caused by the strain his family business is putting on our marriage and my general happiness.

The business isn't doing very well- it took a hammering during the recession and got into debt.
Dh literally leaves the house at 6 and returns at 7 everyday and works 1 day at the weekend just to keep it afloat. He is so stressed out and exhausted that he doesn't want to/too knackered to do anything else. Comes home and watches tv most nights.

I do absolutely everything to run the household including for 3 of the last 4 years working full time as the company can't afford to pay us a decent (or consistent) salary and we can't survive on it.
He could earn about 2-3 times as much by leaving the company and just getting a job (and would work less hours).
We have had many rows about why our family must struggle when there are other options for our family to earn more but he says his parents invested money in the company and he wants to pay them back. I actually had a bust up with mil about this, she got very upset when I said I felt trapped by the business and very forcefully told me that she wants every penny of the money that her and fil put in (7 years ago). Mil is a dominating, controlling, manipulative matriarch btw and loved the family business thing as it reduces independence and keeps her in control - but that's another thread.

The company pays the same salary to my bil and pil although they don't do anywhere near (if any) the amount of work that dh does. Bil and fil were running another company which also got onto debt and now the company dh runs is paying off that debt too.

Dh is basically guilted/emotionally blackmailed into supporting two other families as the business is their only source of income.
I should mention I live on the other side of the world away from my family and that our youngest is only 9 weeks. I love him but struggling with feeling that he's putting the needs of looking after his parents and brother before me and our dc. Feeling sad and homesick..

AIBU to desperately want him to leave the family business so that he can support me emotionally and financially? Sorry-long!

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. I have no experience of what you're going through but my instinct is to say that if I were you, I'd feel like getting DH to chuck in the job and moving a long way off.
You have my sympathies, for what it's worth!

I am sorry to hear this. Businesses can be incredibly stressful things. I run one with my husband and that can be stressful, mixing into it half our families would send me over the edge.

Your post made me wonder the following things:

1. do you reckon it would fold without him?
2. is there any reason why he's doing the lions share of the work? As in could the work be shared out more fairly or is he the only one who can do it?
3. is it realistic to expect that he could walk in to another job at the moment?
4. would his parents / rest of the family be able to survive without the work? Could they not get different jobs too?
5. this debt the business has - what would happen to it if your dh walked away? Would he still have to repay a percentage of it? is it bank debt or a directors loan account?

sorry to ask so many questions but they're kind of crucial to whether he can actually walk away or whether he's trapped.

YANBU. Is your DH happy or is he just there to pay back the money from your PIL's? I'd get a new job, quit and sod them.

YANBU

Sounds like a shit situation, sorry I have no decent advice.

Whose business is it exactly? Who starter it? Because I get the impression it's your DH business and your PIL funded it whilst it was being set up?

If the business folds will your dh have to pay back a share of its debt?
Would you consider just doing this and then moving on?

Very important factor is whether your dh actually owns any of this business (and therefore the debt), or whether the business is owned by PIL and your dh just works for them.

If it's the former, then I would suggest protecting your assets if the business were to go bankrupt. I don't know if you would have any personal liability if it was to go bankrupt - best get a legal opinion, but if so, I would put the house/car/personal bank account/savings in my sole name. Hopefully, I'm talking bollocks and you dh has no personal liability.

I can see why he doesn't want it to go under, but everyone else needs to be pulling their weight - your family shouldn't be responsible for keeping everyone else afloat, while they don't work their arses off too.

Am not sure if one business should be covering the debt of the other one - I would ask a solicitor about potential outcomes for all scenarios.

I agree, that in principal, you dh's first loyalty should be to you and his kids.

Did you post about this a few months ago? I remember a similar thread where the guy was doing all of the work and other family members got paid for it. I seem to remember that he was well below the minimum wage.

You poor thing, YA def NBU. DH is obviously being given the hard sell by your MIL. PLEASE talk to him about how you feel - you and your DC are his family now, your needs take precedence. Good luck x

No it wasn't me who posted a whileago- might look that up see the advice there too.. Thanks for responses..

Pootle-yes I believe it would fold without him :( He is doing lions share of work as the others- and I am not being cruel or spiteful just factual - are not qualified, experienced or competent enough do what dh does. They just don't have a clue. The others couldn't possibly do what dh does if dh left, they would have to recruit someone else into that position.

Both pil and bil would be able to go out and get jobs but would earn even less than they do now sk they know they're on to a good thing. There's also a culture in their family that it's seen as a weakness to work for someone else.

The debt is a serious issue, dh is personally liable and i have already moved major assets into my name only. But it's getting paid back slowly but surely.

The three of them own it together pil, bil and dh. Was started by bil about 15 years ago but just him and a machine he would rent out, dh was forced to come back from overseas 10 years ago to help as he was struggling and in that time grew it to a business with over 35 employees. Pil then offered money (had other businesses and projects on the go too) to give even more of a boost about 5 years ago. Was retructured incl them all as directors. Since has had a salary and car etc well over worth of initial input so big sure what hd wants back. I suspect it's because their other ventures failed and now it's their only source of income.

Is anyone still there? Had to rush off..

Is there any likelihood that your DH will earn more money in the future from the business or is the current wage as good as it gets?

He is convinced things will get better but it's been 5years of gradually decreasing salary. I don't want to seem like I don't have faith in dh but...

I have worked to help out and I earn decent money, but this seemed to cause resentment with the - mil never worked a day in her life- (women should be at home slogging it out barefoot and preg etc) and I suspect although dh won't confirm, that one of the reasons our salary has decreased or if things are tight we don't get paid, is because I earned money too.. I earned that money for our family not to finance ils or prop up a business :(

Set yourself and your Dh up as company directors in the UK or elsewhere.

Declare bankruptcy and leave. Sod them all.

Dh gets job away from 'home', and starts to put his real family first.

If he has to work for himself, you are both directors of the new company which you can start after two years.

Talk to an accountant and get your accountant to spell things out to your DH. This business is not sustainable in ANY WAY!

Good luck with it, it sounds like such a crock of sh1t as it is.

Yes my thoughts are along the same lines as yours pearshaped.... I guess I just don't know if dh will be strong enough to resist the intense pressure and emotional blackmail from his family. It's really affecting me as I don't believe children should have to pay for their parents retirement, they should be looking after their own immediate family first. The worst thing is I feel trapped as it would be extremely difficult to leave with 3 kids.. Ds a newborn and in a foreign country where I can't leave without dh's permission.. I guess just keep working away at dh on more attractive options for is so we do it together..

I work in our family business and understand how a person can get trapped in this type of situation. How long will it take to pay off the company debt? If it was me, I'd want to work at the company until the slate was clean and then find alternative employment. In fact, I will be doing something similar in the next 12 months (although we don't have any company debt so my feelings may be different).

Hi Roses,

I'm really sorry for you and your situation.

I think that leaving the business is the only way out.

If you can get dh to take some legal / financial advice that might help.

Otherwise try to get away for a two week holiday where dh can realise how much he is missing out on, and has the space and time to talk things through with you.

Good luck.

I would agree with GreatExpectations, i am not sure that i could 'flit'.

The other thing to explain is that transferring assets to your name only will not necessarily protect them. It will be considered that it has been done to protect them from creditors rather than they actually are your sole property and not your husband's.

It still really depends who this debt is to - whether it's a family debt or a business debt.

Do you reckon that it would be a first step to get him to see this from your point of view and put a plan together of how to get yourselves out of it rather than expect to do so instantly? it might take a couple of years which probably sounds horrendous but maybe that's better than having the argument over your heads every day.

the other thing to think about is that if this business is failing, then one day it will fail - and they will blame your husband.

You will have nothing, your children will have nothing and your inlaws will hold your husband responsible for them no longer having a living.

There comes a time when you have to choose. Or rather - your husband has reached a point where he has to choose. Is he going to put himself, his wife and his children first - or his parents and brother? It really is as simple as that.

If the business cannot succeed without one person - then the business has already failed. If the business is seeing its turnover decrease year on year on year - then the business has already failed. Please understand that.

At what point will your husband say - enough, the time has come to make my priority my children and my wife and us as a family unit? When the business goes under? When the creditors come after you for money?

What if you said to him "I cannot live like this. I want your permission to take the children home" would that make him think about what he's doing?

Just a word of warning - if assets have been put in your name to avoid paying out during bankruptcy this can be overturned. I think you need to see an accountant as a family & work out what is the best solution.