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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think pil should have at least sent a get well card to dd.

41 replies

lurkinginthebackground · 05/04/2012 21:14

DD has spent several days and nights in hospital due to developing a very unexpected severe condition.
Thankfully she is now back at home and is returning to normal. I don't want to say specifically what is wrong but it is the first time she has ever had to go in hospital.

Dh told pil and they haven't so much as sent a get well card never mind visited or phoned dd, who is 9.
They are both retired and drive and live 15-20 minutes away from us and approx another 20 mins away from the hospital.
My mum came to visit.

Dh is diasppointed in them too.
They don'r show much interest in the dcs tbh. They are estranged from their other sons dcs due to divorce, although I rather think it is down to pil that contact has stopped.
Is it too much to ask that they go on Moonpig and send a card?

Or aibu?

OP posts:

wherearemysocks · 06/04/2012 01:11

When my dd was 3 she had a minor accident and needed surgery under general anesthetic, she was in and out the same day. My parents lived out of the country at the time and sent her a helium balloon that they'd ordered on-line. In-laws sent nothing.

I wouldn't be too bothered about not getting a card, but I would at least expect a phone call, and seeing as they are so close a visit would have been expected too.

Hope your dd is back to full health soon.

upsidewide · 06/04/2012 01:19

At what point did your DH tell them?

My DS was in hospital about 2 years ago, for what turned out to be a rather life changing condition (but that's a whole other story), and my family just patiently waited until they had more news. They didn't want to bother us. They viewed they were being respectful of us and helping us by not calling us all the time. I felt the support from my family totally even though I didn't have contact from them. We were in touch when it became easier for us to have contact.

I don't think the issue is that your PIL didn't visit or call or send a card. I think you don't have a great relationship with them and it just becomes more obvious in times of need.

upsidewide · 06/04/2012 01:21

Forgot to say, I hope that your DD is okay. All this other stuff is irritating but really in the grand scheme of things, the most important thing is that your DD is okay.

iscream · 06/04/2012 06:43

I'm sorry your daughter has not been well, and hope she is feeling better soon.
I would think it was strange, as my in-laws are/ or were (one has dementia now) close to the dc. Most grandparents I know would want to at least talk to the dc on the phone, and come see them when they were home again. I know visit (with a present) any child I was close to was ill in the hospital.

Your in-laws sound like they are somewhat detached from the family, which is sad, but probably easier on you and your dh and children, to have no expectations regarding them.

Sirzy · 06/04/2012 06:47

To not at least send a "how is she today?" type text a couple of times is odd . Are they normally close to you all?

Whenever Ds is in hopsital then friends and family are constantly asking how things are going.

ToothbrushThief · 06/04/2012 09:38

upsidewide Fri 06-Apr-12 01:19:01

At what point did your DH tell them?

My DS was in hospital about 2 years ago, for what turned out to be a rather life changing condition (but that's a whole other story), and my family just patiently waited until they had more news. They didn't want to bother us. They viewed they were being respectful of us and helping us by not calling us all the time. I felt the support from my family totally even though I didn't have contact from them. We were in touch when it became easier for us to have contact.

I think that was my point really. There are all sorts of subtle exchanges that can be interpretted incorrectly. It may be they lack confidence or ability to act.

I've seen families play elaborate games where each side blames the other for an 'inappropriate' action but the underlying anger over perceived slights in history means that they cannot win no metter what they do. It's really sad watching families hurt each other constantly in their attempts to make the other side 'see how they feel'.

Of course.... you may just have horrible in laws who are thoughtless. either way my advice is not get drawn into battling over it but just accept and move on

Original poster

lurkinginthebackground · 06/04/2012 09:38

Thanks for the replies.
I know that I will be a better grandparent than they are.
Tbh they are quite frankly shitty.
I don't give a damn about them now tbh this has just confirmed to me how awful they really are.
My dh phoned them and gave them regular updates, although I don't know why, as they have shown as much concern as if a complete stranger had been admitted into hospital.

It would have been thoughtful for them to ask if I, dd or my other dcs needed anything don't you think seeing as though they knew I was in hospital with dd throughout the entire stay.

Friends have been very kind and asked if we needed anything but in laws-not so much as can I bring you some grapes.

They have never been great and would never dream of offering help, probably why my ex sil doesn't have anything to do with them.

The only time dh was taken ill and rushed into hospital I asked if they would mind looking after their grandchildren who were very young at the time, so that I could visit him. They said no, so I had no choice but to take them with me which was a nightmare.

Anyway I am annoyed and will bear this in mind when they are ill and need help (bitter emotion) but now I don't give a damn about them, this has finally put the nail in the coffin lid for me.

Dh is pissed off with them too, says fil treats his dog better than he was ever treated and he is quite serious unfortunately.

Sorry to rant just can't say too much at home as don't want dcs to feel how shit their grandparents are.

OP posts:

halcyondays · 06/04/2012 09:39

I don't know about a card, but you would have thought they would have phoned to see how she was.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 06/04/2012 09:42

I wouldn't think anything of the lack of card. I'd be more upset at not having a visit or phone call tbh. A call doesn't take much :(

Original poster

lurkinginthebackground · 06/04/2012 09:47

Oh I suppose I shouldn't be surprised seeing as though when dh was in hospital with a potentially fatal illness, they didn't bother to visit him.
I remember his forlorn face when he said the words "I thought my mum and dad would have come to visit me, seeing as though I was so ill."

I just assumed that even they wouldn't be that thoughtless this time.

OP posts:

Heyyyho · 06/04/2012 09:53

Whenever dd has been admitted to hospital ( she suffers from skin problems that can get quite nasty) my family have called, visited with presents and cards and asked for updates every day. Even friends I just met that term at school text me.

I am shocked that family wouldn't do this. Really awful. And "loosing touch" with blood relative child through divorce is pretty callas too but obviously a seperate issue.

Squiglettsmummy2bx · 06/04/2012 10:03

My mum would be at the hospital as much as possible with cards, teddies, balloons etc, my ex mil would prob send a card, my mil now wouldn't even ring. I think it is sad for your dd though. Hope she is ok x

WipsGlitter · 06/04/2012 10:14

I think PIL just can win! Someone else could have posted that their DD was in hospital and it was very stressful and the PIL .

The amount of threads I read about PIL having the cheek to want to see/touch/hold a grandchild or push the pram is matched by the ones where the PIL are being cold and unfeeling by not wanting to see/touch/hold/push the pram!!!

Nanny0gg · 06/04/2012 10:23

WipsGlitter I can see what you are saying because of the many other IL threads on here and in fact I have previously been 'accused' of always taking the ILs' side. But really, in this case there is no excuse. They clearly aren't the slightest bit bothered, are they?

WipsGlitter · 06/04/2012 12:01

It would be really nice if all grandparents took an interest, but sometimes you need to accept it's not going to be the case and move on. It's pointless wasting energy hoping someone will change, particularly if they are older and more set in their ways. Maybe they didn't think/know it was that serious? Maybe it wasn't? How often were they communicated with during the hospital stay? And yes, going on moonpig would probably be too much, my mum would not even know what moonpig was!!

TheFeministsWife · 06/04/2012 14:20

YANBU. Strange behaviour indeed. My parents both text or phone for updates (individually as they're divorced) when my dds are ill, even if it's only a cold. In contrast we visited MIL yesterday and was telling her how DSD had passed her driving test and got her own car. She asked how old she was as she'd forgotten!

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