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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel totally fed up with my parents never coming to visit

13 replies

Pritt · 05/04/2012 11:27

The last time they were down here (we live 2 hours away from them (drive) or 2.5 on the train) was 10 years ago.

I have a difficult relationship with my parents but it is civil on the surface. I have two children - they've never seen their bedrooms, the house we now live in, any aspect of our day to day life.

My parents make me feel guilty all the time for not coming to see them more often. We do go up there twice a year even though i hate it as I hate my family home (too many bad memories). My drug-addict brother still lives there and last time we went he stayed in his room the whole time and never once came down to see us. Their house is horrible (bathroom filthy and falling to bits eg) and my children have started noticing all this kind of thing, my parents are always pleased to see them at first then dont have much to do with them and there is nothing for them to do there. It would be a lovely compromise if they would come to us. But they won't. Point blank refuse to drive or get the train.

I am really sodding fed up with it and fed up with feeling guilty. I spoke to my dad on the phone today and he said 'well, I don't know when we'll see you' (sad miserable voice) so I said 'Dad you know you are always welcome here, why dont you come down, the train journey is easy' he said 'ooh no I don't fancy that, have to get the tube across London and I won't do that'.

So that's that. Sad

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOneTwoAndThree · 05/04/2012 11:29

Darling I live 1 mile from my mother and she's NEVER been in my house.

It's shit. I feel for you. Sad

sallymonella · 05/04/2012 11:33

YADNBU.

Don't let them make you feel guilty, it's their choice not to visit you. I know it's hard, but really, they are adults and need to aknowledge that if they're sad at not seeing their grandchildren, that's their own fault.

Original poster
Pritt · 05/04/2012 11:36

Really, OWOTAT? Why?

I feel really really upset about it for some reason this week. Can live with it usually but just feel so gutted about it at the moment. My youngest dc is 5 and she often asks why they never come, it is so hard to explain Sad. I 'd love them to see their rooms and all their bits and pieces and pictures they've done etc etc.

The only conclusion I can come to is that they simply dont want to come. I can understand they are nervous of driving/train travel, although I did discover that my mum had driven to a town about an hour away from me to see my aunt a couple of years ago Hmm

OP posts:
Kladdkaka · 05/04/2012 11:36

YANBU. None of my family, parents or siblings, have ever visited my house. It hurts.

Original poster
Pritt · 05/04/2012 11:37

Those whos parents or siblings (Sad) have never visited, do you visit them?

OP posts:
Kladdkaka · 05/04/2012 11:46

Those whos parents or siblings (sad) have never visited, do you visit them?

Whenever I'm in the area. I also always send them and their children birthday and christmas presents. Haven't had so much as a card in over 20 years. Apart from mother who thinks quantity makes up for quality

BetterBatterBullseye · 05/04/2012 11:46

I have lived in my current home for 10 years. My sister has visited me three times: once when each DC was born and once cos I badgered her and badgered her until she came. I used to visit them very regularly but now only once or twice a year. It is a 3 hour drive but I used to go to hers on public transport which due to difficult locations took over 4 hours. With DC in tow and without DH. We are very close so I don't know why she won't come. She just doesn't like staying away overnight i think and it's a lot of driving for one day.

I've given up worrying about it and just accept the relationship as it is.

Debsbear · 05/04/2012 12:07

My parents come here frequently (pretty much once a fortnight) we live an hours drive away. I rarely go to see them as we are tied with school, clubs and work etc so it's easier for them to come to us. Possible solution for OP, book a cheap hotel/ bed and breakfast/ travelodge somewhere interesting between your two houses and have a weekend there together. They wouldn't need to travel across London and you wouldn't need to go to their house and your kids would have something to do/ somewhere new to explore. We book travelodges a lot for a £10 a night if done in advance, you'd save that on the transport costs.

RuleBritannia · 05/04/2012 12:37

OP, could it be that your parents are unable to afford the petrol of fares and give not wanting to cross London via the Underground is an excuse?

What about National Express?

ghoulsjustwannahavefun · 05/04/2012 15:08

We have the same situation here, and again only around 1 mile distance to travel.
Its my in-laws though, they never come and visit their grandchildren or their son. We visit them not to often i will admit as the house is filthy and we are always made to feel like we are preventing them doing something much more interesting when we do.
My DH says they have been like this his whole life his younger brother is the favorite child and it blatantly obvious. Their loss in the end. By the way we are the only family they have in the area other than the younger still at home son, all other family members live around 250 miles away!

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/04/2012 15:37

YANBU to feel fed up, but try not to feel guilty - you have done nothing to deserve that. If your parents "won't" - that's their choice. Continue to issue invites.

If you want to guilt them back, point out that "youngest dc ... often asks why they never come" and suggest THEY explain it to DC.

Lottapianos · 05/04/2012 15:46

I feel for you 100%. Same situation here - a longer distance admittedly but not unmanageable for them at all, either financially or healthwise. My parents are both narcissists and as far as they are concerned, it's my job to go visit them, rather than the other way round. This is to make up for the pain I've caused by leaving them to go and live my own life Hmm There's a huge dollop of jealousy in there somewhere too.

I have just recently stopped inviting them to visit, after years of practically begging them to come and stay. When I asked them, I would either get fobbed off, or told that they had 'other places' they would rather visit, or they would ignore me and change the subject. It hurt too damn much so I've stopped doing it. As sallymonella said, they are adults and if they want to see more of you or your children, they need to do something about it. It's horribly painful though and feels very rejecting Sad

piratecat · 05/04/2012 16:35

same here, i feel for you. my dad's gf hates me so that's that. x

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