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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I BU or is she? Need advice

28 replies

jdgirl · 04/04/2012 17:06

A couple of weeks ago someone I used to be friends with who I havnt seen for nearly 20 years gets back in touch wanting to meet and catch up. She suggests coming to my house one evening and I try to explain that whilst my dp is lovely he is not very sociable and as our house is quite small with only one living room there isn't much room to have a good chat. My dp is great but more of a mans man iykwim.
Anyway we meet in a pub one evening then a couple of days later I meet her with my dcs at the park.
That night she texts to ask if I have any plans on Friday evening. I say no and she replys ooh I could come and play! (wtaf? She's a 50 year old woman) I didn't reply as I wasn't sure what she meant and I certainly didn't think she was expecting to come here for the evening - I wouldn't dream of inviting myself round anywhere.
She rings me today and it's clear she's expecting to come here on Friday evening. I try to make some excuse but shes adamant she's coming.
I hate confrontations usually and I am usually a pushover but this has really annoyed me.
Do I lie and tell her somethings come up(she would probably guess this was a lie) or do I front up to her and tell her I didn't invite her and I don't want her to come. Or amibu and a cow?
By the way she is single with no dcs.

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 04/04/2012 17:11

She sounds lonely. Do you want to pursue a friendship with her? Did you enjoy seeing her the first two times? If yes, then you could be firm say no not here but we will meet at xx, or she could come to yours for one drink and then go out somewhere local.

The crux for me though would be do you want her as a friend.

ObiWan · 04/04/2012 17:11

Does she fancy you? Grin

The playing might be fun!

Winkly · 04/04/2012 17:11

Yabu to be mean about her. She's not being stalkerish just friendly. If you don't want to play fair enough, be polite about it but clear.

It's not unusual to entertain at home btw and she may be offering to save you travelling & to save money.

Also what does her being single and childless have to do with the price of a bag of chips?

TheFallenMadonna · 04/04/2012 17:14

Can you not have friends round because your DP is a "man's man"? That sounds a bit sad.

EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 04/04/2012 17:17

I think that's a bit sad too.

TheMonster · 04/04/2012 17:19

Do you want to be friends with her?

Original poster
jdgirl · 04/04/2012 17:31

I didn't mean to imply anything about her being childless and single just a bit of background. I feel a bit mean now.
Of course i can have friends round. Dps just not very good in female company and he wouldnt be interested in meeting her.
I think I would like to remain in touch with her but not so regularly.

OP posts:
Dee03 · 04/04/2012 17:59

It is sad that u feel u can't have your friends round at your house, can't your dp go out for the evening??
But only the other hand it was rude of her to invite herself that way, u should've said straight away you were busy that night.
As I'm a coward I would text Friday morning and say you're poorly with sickness Grin

takingiteasy · 04/04/2012 18:01

Chuck DP out to be a man in the pub, get friend round, get wine, get munchies and catch up.

Maybe play dates in the park don't appeal to her and she wants a good chinwag for some reason.

Stratters · 04/04/2012 18:03

She sounds pushy to me, I'd run screaming from someone like that. Don't think UABU at all.

ImperialBlether · 04/04/2012 18:07

Yes, I can't imagine going to the park is how she wants to spend her time. It's normal to socialise at home. If your husband is a man's man, doesn't he go to the pub or out with friends?

Stratters, it can be very difficult for single women of that age to make friends and it can be very easy for married women that age to not acknowledge that. Don't be too harsh on her.

takingiteasy · 04/04/2012 18:09

It might be she has something she needs or wants to talk about and doesn't feel comfy in public doing so and thinks your house is easier for you due to DC's etc.

Stratters · 04/04/2012 18:11

She rings me today and it's clear she's expecting to come here on Friday evening. I try to make some excuse but shes adamant she's coming.

I understand what you're saying Imperial, I'm single and not that much younger than her, but that would seriously put me off someone.

ENormaSnob · 04/04/2012 18:12

Yanbu

She sounds pushy and I would hate that.

I wouldn't like her to invite herself to mine on a Friday night either tbh.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 04/04/2012 18:13

I think YANBU op, I would feel really uncomfortable with it too

I have a friend who can be really pushy like this too, and if I'm honest it makes me want to see her less. She always wants to come to my house, but between all the children and animals we wouldn't get a minutes peace to chat, so I prefer to meet elsewhere. Sometimes though she announces that she's coming round " wether I like it or not" which makes me a bit Hmm. She even decided she and her husband were coming round for Christmas dinner and she "wouldn't take no for an answer"Shock

I also don't see why your DP should be turfed out so she can visit, I wouldn't be best pleased if DH told me I had to leave the house so he could have a mate round not that he would dare

I think if you want to see her you should arrange to meet somewhere on Friday, and if not just tell her its not convenient. She probably means well so you don't have to be horrible, but there's nothing wrong with being upfront with her, if you give in all the time you'll end up resenting her and then nobody wins

HandMadeTail · 04/04/2012 18:18

So you haven't seen her for 20 years, and now she wants to be BFF?

Seems a bit weird. Confused

MigratingCoconuts · 04/04/2012 18:19

I'm a bit Hmm as to why you can't have mates round your house just because your dp doesn't like female company.
Surely if you are interested in keeping the friendship, she'll come round there at some point?

(she does seem a bit pushy though...was she always like that?)

TheFallenMadonna · 04/04/2012 18:21

She sounds pushy. Your DP sounds a bit mean. DH has friends I find dull, but I make myself pleasant to them.

AgentProvocateur · 04/04/2012 18:23

I think she's probably thinking that it would be easier for you if she came to yours. That's what I usually do to friends who are parents of small children. I think the only odd thing is your DP's reaction. Do you never have friends over to your house?

Original poster
jdgirl · 04/04/2012 18:35

Yes she has always been pushy and I am the last person in the world to be horrible to anyone. By the way the park was her idea to walk our dogs, my dcs are teens and she wanted to meet them.
I am glad some you of understand. I hate feeling pushed into things. She is a very confidant and self absorbed person perhaps just not my cup of tea any more.

OP posts:
maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 04/04/2012 18:40

Just let her down gently then op, there's no rule that we have to be closr friends with anyone we don't want to. Be kind though, it sounds like a simple clash of personalities Smile

Original poster
jdgirl · 04/04/2012 18:51

Thanks maythe I will be kind but firm.

OP posts:
maybenow · 04/04/2012 18:56

If you like her but just don't want her to your house then just say - 'oh god no, i need to get out of the house, let's go to the pub/starbucks/cinema.. or your place?'..

If otoh you're not sure about her (and she does sound a bit ott) then you're going to have to be more standoffish next time she asks what you're doing..

Dee03 · 04/04/2012 19:02

Just remember 'no is a complete sentence'Grin
You are busy Friday evening so NO she can't come round!
Good luck

birthdaygurl · 04/04/2012 19:05

YABU. You sound a right misery as does your DH. HTH