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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she BU? Wedding season!

28 replies

takingiteasy · 04/04/2012 09:21

My best mate is getting married abroad in October. We're all invited and booked up and very much looking forward to it.

Out of our circle a few can't make it due to new babies etc. My friend that is getting marreid is a bit gutted but understands

Another mate can most probably make it but hasn't booked up yet. She's been with her new partner 18m and they live together, he's out of work at the minute so I think they are just waiting to see what comes up before booking. Bride mate isn't happy and wants to know exact numbers. I've tried gently explaining that it isn't always possible when getting married abroad and she shouldn't put pressure on people (I got married abroad, I didn't even formally invite people, just let them know they were more than welcome!)

Anyway this friend who hasn't booked yet's partner has a 4 year old son. The son is with friend and partner every weekend and as strange as it is for all of us now this wee boy is part of friends life. Friend that is getting married has said several times this wee boy isn't invited to the wedding.

I've said to friend that's getting married that it's her business but she can't reasonably expect them to fund what is probably going to be the only holiday they have this year and leave his son out of it. Friend that is getting married has no kids.

There is no real limit on numbers, it's an outdoor ceremony with a meal after in a resturant in resort. If money is an issue (which it's not) I'd bloody pay for a kids meal for the boy. My bride to be friend says he's not invited because she doesn't know him.

I'm all for child free weddings, this isn't one. I'm all for it being up to the couple who is and isn't there but this is a wedding 7 hours away which most people are making their holiday for the year.

So, is she BU?

OP posts:
JustHecate · 04/04/2012 09:25

Yes.

It's an invitation, not a royal command.

People are allowed to say no.

If she is insisting on some fairy tale wedding in a far away country then she has to understand the financial burden she is asking guests to bear. And accept with good grace anybody's choice to not bear it.

She is spectacularly unreasonable for spitting out her dummy over it and not inviting the son of this particular friend's partner.

If I was this friend - that would be a deal breaker. My mate can't see that this is my family? No way would I fork out to go to the wedding.

PurplePidjin · 04/04/2012 09:28

Yes, she is! She needs to make the same effort to get to know the new addition to your mutual friend's family as she would if MF had given birth.

If MF can't afford to come, bride needs to accept that as a consequence of having an expensive wedding. Keep curbing those bridezilla tendencies Wink

Original poster
takingiteasy · 04/04/2012 09:28

I don't even think the friend with the step son has really realised he's not invited. The last time I spoke to her they weren't sure as her partner wasn't sure about him missing school and a few days later bride friend was telling me again he wasn't invited. I'm not going to be the one to tell the other!

OP posts:
AKMD · 04/04/2012 09:31

SIBU. What's she going to do if he goes, order him off the resort? How weird. If I were her friend I wouldn't be going and I would tell her exactly why.

Original poster
takingiteasy · 04/04/2012 09:33

AKMD I'm not sure what she'll do if they all book. I cannot imagine anyone saying fine but he's not allowed to the wedding, leaving the boy and friends partner by the pool for the day whilst we live it up at the wedding.

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 04/04/2012 10:03

SIBU I was going to say it's an invitation, not a court summons but I do like Hecate's royal command Grin

If she's going to have a destination wedding then she can't expect people to attend. Even if people can afford it they may not want to spend that much money and it sounds as if this couple is going to struggle.

Thumbwitch · 04/04/2012 10:14

She IBU for sure. So she "doesn't know" this 4yo - why hasn't she done something about it? How well does one have to know a 4yo to allow him to come to a wedding, or is the bride not-so-subtly suggesting that she doesn't want the friend's partner there either?

Either way, it's not right to do what she's doing and she should at the very least have the backbone to tell the friend in question the truth about the invitation.

And if she doesn't, YOU tell said friend to PHONE the bride and ASK her about it.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 04/04/2012 10:20

She is bang out of order if she is going to let them book it without making it clear....this is going to all blow up in her face.

victorialucas · 04/04/2012 10:22

Why do they have to take the child? Can he not just stay with his Mum. If they are struggling with money then surely it is cheaper for just the 2 of them to go?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 04/04/2012 10:23

Your friend is being unreasonable, and very self centred.

Ephiny · 04/04/2012 10:29

I'm not sure I understand the situation - has the bride led people to believe their child is invited, when in fact they're not? Confused Was it not clear on the invitation?

Not really sure who is BU here. If I was the bride I would want people to RSVP one way or another in a reasonable timeframe so I had an idea of numbers, would not be very impressed by someone 'waiting to see what else comes up'. Having said that October is quite a long way off, so maybe not essential to have exact numbers already.

Sounds like a messy situation caused by lack of communication tbh!

BusinessTrills · 04/04/2012 10:38

Is who BU?

Bride is not BU to invite friend without child.

Bride is BU to expect exact numbers 6 months before the event.

Friend is BU if she demands (or even expects) child to be invited.

Friend is not BU to decline invitation.

Bride would BU if she was annoyed at friend declining invitation.

Ephiny · 04/04/2012 10:41

So the answer is everyone is BU.

Seriously the friend-with-child and the bride need to talk and get any misunderstandings cleared up, can you gently nudge one or the other to pick up the phone and get it sorted out?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 04/04/2012 10:41

I think it's unreasonable to invite people to a wedding abroad without children. It shows a lack of consideration to guests needs.

A marriage is about two people, but a wedding is about sharing that with other people unless you pluck strangers off the street to be witnesses. If you don't want to consider the needs of the people you are sharing you wedding day with, you may as well just have strangers as witnesses.

EightiesChick · 04/04/2012 10:43

This is the problem with this kind of wedding. Fine if people are happy just to be by themselves, but not if they think guests should treat it the same as if it was down the road. I have never understood how anyone can expect guests to arrange their one overseas holiday for the year around their wedding.

YouOldSlag · 04/04/2012 12:22

It's fine to get married abroad.
It's fine to have a child free wedding.

It's NOT fine to throw a strop if the child free and/or abroad bit makes it hard for people to attend.

A bride can have whatever wedding she likes but it is very poor taste and bad manners to get stroppy if people can't meet the terms and conditions and have to decline.

Personally, I would be annoyed if a bride expected me to lay down our annual family holiday budget for her wedding thus expecting my kids to miss out on a holiday for her sake. It would be a "decline" from me, for sure.

OTheHugeManatee · 04/04/2012 12:30

So, to recap, your bridezilla friend is getting pissed off because her skint friends are unsure about whether to blow their year's holiday budget, in a year when one of them is unemployed, on a holiday they can't share with their child because she's preventing them from doing so.

Did I get that right?

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/04/2012 12:55

Ye gods but the bride is being massively unreasonable. And a bit of a cow for not making it clear to your mutual friend that the 4 year old is not invited, whilst continuing to pressure her to attend. Presumably she knows (at some level if not consciously) that if she makes clear 4 year old is not invited, it will tip mutual friend into declining.

OTheHugeManatee has summed it up perfectly IMO.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/04/2012 12:56

Oh, forgot to add, OP, you would be doing your best friend the bride a big favour if you gently explained the problems she is giving herself, because she's on the road to ruining her friendship with the mutual friend.

Original poster
takingiteasy · 04/04/2012 13:09

Why do they have to take the child?

Well I know I'm all for child free time but I wouldn't feel good about booking myself on a holiday for a week if I couldn't give the same to my son. This couple don't have the funds to do both, if they manage to make it to the wedding it will be their only holiday and they quite rightly think they should spend it together.

OP posts:
Original poster
takingiteasy · 04/04/2012 13:11

I'm not sure what was on friends invite. I'm assuming just the couple but surely normal ettique is altered slightly when people are flying half way round the world for said wedding.

OP posts:
Original poster
takingiteasy · 04/04/2012 13:17

EightiesChick

I think that's exactly it. It's ok to leave out kids, partners, whoever you want, when your wedding is easy for everyone. When you're doing something like this I personally think you have to be a bit more laid back.

I done it, we didn't formally invite people just made everyone that might be interested aware of what we were doing and left it up to them. We ended up with 28 guests and it was lovely. I was completly overwhelmed at the amount of people who chose to come. There were a few waifs and strays (partners I'd never met etc) who probably wouldn't have got an invite to an all day sit down meal jobby but that's the way it goes in my eyes. We paid for the evening meal and drinks for everyone that had came.

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 04/04/2012 14:24

I don't see why she needs to know now about numbers for the wedding??

I'm getting married abroad in August and we don't know 100% who's coming yet, and I don't really see why getting married abroad means she needs to know any sooner? Confused

Original poster
takingiteasy · 04/04/2012 17:18

I don't get that either sooper, I think she's getting pressured from the wedding planner she has through the travel agency to let them know about what extras the guests want, so they can get their commision probably.

I didn't know our numbers until a couple of weeks before we went and even then it still went up in the air thanks to a lovely airline going pop!

We didn't even have a venue for the meal pre booked, just sorted it out in resort when we got there. It's meant to be the easy way of doing things, I think she's making it more stressy than it has to be to be honest.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 04/04/2012 18:01

You are probably right about why they need to know so soon. Depending on how many people book onto their wedding, the price for the bride and groom will be reduced.

Group holidays often come with a 10% discount, and when dh used to organised specialised group holidays, he got a free place for every 10 people that booked onto his trips.