To wish there was a dedicated section for abortions?

[sserp]

I had an abortion for non medical reasons 4 months ago and I have been struggling ever since.

I have 3 young children and did not want any more but became pregnant after missing only 2 days of the pill and post coital contraception failing. ( I am also 44)

There is not an hour that goes past when I don't think about my loss...because that is how it feels. I feel like I would cause offence if I posted in the bereavement or miscarriage section and guily if I posted in the antenatal choices as most of the women on here are experiencing terminations for medical reasons.

I feel like there is no forum for people like me to go to and it's such a taboo subject in real life. People innocently ask me if I am planning any more kids and I want to scream out that I was pregnant again but I can't.

I feel fine all day and function well in a demanding and stressful job. But when I put my head on my pillow I am consumed with this incredible sadness and find it really difficult to sleep sometimes....hence being on MN now!

I'm sure these feelings are natural and part of the process but I just wanted to raise awareness of this subject in a non debating, non judgmental way and to invite anyone else to share their experiences if they think it would be helpful - as it would certainly help me I think.

I'm sure there is somewhere

So sorry to hear that OP

Are you sure there isn't?

OP - you have my condolences. I know what you're going through. I was a irresponsible teenager with self esteem issues and had 2 early terminations. 20 years later and with 3 beautiful children I often wonder about what might have been.

Knowing it was the right thing to do doesn't stop it hurting. You need to allow yourself to grieve. It is such a taboo thing and so hard to deal with as you can't easily talk about it.

Thank you Jnice. I am finding the taboo part really difficult as I'm naturally a very open person and few people know this aspect of me. All the post abortion forums/support groups I have found on line tend to have a very religious slant and whilst that is fine for some people, I am not religious.

antenatal choices

sserp I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

I would worry about having an abortion forum on a site so big and well-known as MN... my fear is that it would attract activists and trolls in a way that would leave women such as yourself feeling even worse.

Very sorry to hear you're suffering like this sserp.

I had a termination when I was in my mid 20s and even though I knew it was absolutely the right thing to do, I did suffer a degree of guilt afterwards (not helped by my partner at the time sending me a very funeral-esque flower arrangement the following day).

All I can say is that it does get easier, even if it doesn't feel like it ever will. I now see my decision as one of the best choices I ever made. And sadly I agree that a dedicated abortion folder would probably be a magnet to pro-life trolls.

I won't say I know how you feel - I don't - but I do sympathize.

I had an abortion when I was 18 and it is still very much with me. I should think it always will be. And you are absolutely right - the silence is a huge problem. Apparently around 1 in 4 women will have abortions in their lifetime - we're not rare.

Oddly enough, just today I started reading a book about the testimonies of women who'd given up children for adoption in the years before abortion was legalized - the book was written for much the same reasons of the damage silence does that you're talking about. I was just thinking how we need a book like that about abortion.

Since you asked for experiences, here's mine:

It was my first sexual partner. I wanted to keep the baby, but his parents and mine and he all sat together talking me around. They told me how hard it would be. I was very naive and I really didn't know if I could do it, or what financial support might have been out there. My GP also insisted that girls like me, who were nice middle class girls, didn't keep babies, and that the only women who regretted abortions were those who had pre-existing problems they then blamed on the abortion (this, btw, is total bollocks - I'm sure of that now and please don't think because I repeat what he said that I agree!). It was made clear to me by everyone involved that my boyfriend had an equal say in what happened (again, I'm deeply disturbed by this in retrospect, as it meant his veto of adoption was taken very seriously).

My mum drove me to a private clinic with my boyfriend. There was no counselling and no interest in telling me what I was doing or what to expect. I had to go for a follow-up a little later, and my mum drove me there again. In the car she hit me across the face and yelled at me. She'd already told my brothers but told us not to tell my granny. She told me not to talk about it to anyone.

I found it pretty horrific. I do blame myself - I am completely pro-choice but I do wish I had been more strong-minded and had just made my own decision. I know lots of women do manage to make their own decisions under much more pressure than I was under.

It pretty much messed up my time at university, hormonally I was a mess and then I was very upset and confused. I do still feel very sad. I agree with hopkin though - it does get easier. And I think as a society we will have to find a way of dealing with all of this - I don't just mean abortion counselling, I mean the whole question of women's bodies and medicine and social mores.

I really hope you feel better soon. Take care of yourself.

Sorry you are feeling down, it is not just imotion but the hormones, your body needs a bit of time to realise you are not pregnant.

Take a good long luck at your children, youhave made the right choice for them and for yourself.

I feel for you Op, I really do.
I wish the topic on here was under a different title too.
I said it at the time.
It's the same as always, set up so that it's only OK to terminate if there's something wrong.
Unplanned pregnancy, what's wrong with that topic eh HQ?
I find this topic, as it is, not helpful and disabelist.

Thank you so much for all your honest posts - I'm moved and grateful by the level of honesty and trust.

It seems like I'm not alone in finding this a very painful process but I'm glad time is a healer, just like bereavement. ( Incidentally, I've lost a parent and a parent in law and the feelings are very similar)

I agree there is a certain risk attached to to a dedicated section which could attract pro-lifers but they don't seem to lurk in the antenatal choices section which is mainly used by women who terminate for medical reasons. Whilst I was going through this, I was actually hoping I would miscarry so I wouldn't have the guilt and I could actually be open about it.

I have been searching for a book of testimonials that may help me....if there isn't one, maybe it's something to think about?

Sorry to hear how your feeling.

Could you not start one here on MN. How about on relationsships or somewhere?

Ive just come off a thread for survivours of child abuse. sorry no good at linking stuff.