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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying DM for childcare...

20 replies

MrsFruitcake · 03/04/2012 17:50

Quick one, I just wondered what others thought about this really.

I pay my Mum to look after my DS while I work in the mornings. She's having him one day this week. I know that one of my SILs has asked my Mum to have her two children twice this week and my other SIL has asked her to have her DD too, all on different days. I also know that my Mum won't be asking either of them for payment but will still be expecting me to cough up.

Am I right to feel a bit miffed? It's happened before but my Mum refused to talk about it and I knew it would cause an argument so I let it go.

OP posts:
RosemaryandThyme · 03/04/2012 17:54

Ignore the others and whatever they do.

Keep your arrangements between you and your Mum, stick to or exceed your payments to her, school hols can be pricey and tricky for childcare.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 03/04/2012 17:54

YANBU. However, IIRC if your DM isn't a registered childminder she shouldn't be asking for money for childcare?

Cabrinha · 03/04/2012 17:59

YABVU!
You have a regular childcare provision for which you pay.
The others, have asked a relative for a favour during the holidays.
If your mum babysat for you one evening, would she be paid for that? I assume not.
It's none of your business if your mum chooses not to charge the others.

JustHecate · 03/04/2012 18:16

Yes. There's a difference here. As others have said. A one off is grandma helping out. Here and there is grandma helping out.

You want her to give over a portion of her day to you. every day.

Original poster
MrsFruitcake · 03/04/2012 18:24

She doesn't have him every day - there are weeks when she doesn't have him at all, and some when she might have him 2-3 times to fit around my DHs shift pattern.

I pay her what I would if he was in daycare, not that that really has any bearing on the situation I suppose.

OP posts:
JustHecate · 03/04/2012 18:39

fair enough. it's still a regular childcare agreement rather than a favour though, isn't it?

It's long term, I assume?

It really is different to a favour. She's made a commitment to be your childcare. She wants to be paid for that. If that's what she wants then really you have to respect that.

You can always say sorry, I feel resentful that you have the other grandchildren as a favour but expect me to pay, so for the sake of our relationship, I am going to find alternative childcare.

But you can't require her to be your regular childcare for free, on the grounds that she has the other grandchildren now and again as a favour.

Original poster
MrsFruitcake · 03/04/2012 19:12

I guess I do feel resentful as she never just does me a favour, she always expects payment and if I ask her to sit of an evening she always says no.

DS starts school in September so I guess I'll just get on with it until then.

OP posts:
wheresthepopcorn · 03/04/2012 20:30

Just remember, there are HUGE advantages to a family member taking care of your DS - she can take him when he is ill, she won't fine you if you're late. Those things alone makes paying her instead of normal childcare worthwhile.

fedupofnamechanging · 03/04/2012 21:00

I'd feel resentful too, but it is in your best interests to continue the arrangement until he starts school as you would find it hard to get child care to fit in with shift work, if the hours are not the same every week.

Perhaps once he starts school, she'll be more amenable to occasional evening babysitting.

Xmasbaby11 · 03/04/2012 21:04

It is unusual to have to pay a parent for childcare - I think we can all agree that. It is understandable that you feel upset DM will only do it when paid. I think I'd feel the same as you! Do you know why she's doing it free for SIL? Can you ask SIL?

fedupofnamechanging · 03/04/2012 21:30

Just a thought, but some mother's are more at ease in telling their daughters what they want, than their DILs. She could well want to be paid by your SILs, but feels uncomfortable broaching the subject, whereas she feels perfectly at ease, in asking you.

She knows that she isn't being entirely fair to you, by her refusal to discuss it.

Not much comfort to you, but might explain why she asks you and not them.

howlongwilltheynap · 03/04/2012 21:35

How did it come about that you pay her? Did she ask or you offer? Do the SILs still thank her in some way, eg take her out for the day at another time or buy her a thank you gift every now and then?

I pay my mum which was my suggestion, as I didn't want to feel indebted to her (and to feel I have to buy her coffee and cake evverrry time we go out), but I pay her half the nursery fee so that it is mutually beneficial.

In your situation I would probably be a bit miffed, but would take the moral high ground and feel all superior to my SILs. Plus what everyone else said re regular vs every now and then arrangements applies.

Kewcumber · 03/04/2012 21:43

I wanted to pay my mum for childcare and she wouldn't let me which was one of the reasons I decided to use her for only 1 day a week (which became two afternoons). I decided I couldn't use her for too much free childcare and for it not to become a problem at some stage for one or other of us. I did pay her a token but it really wouldn't have covered what she spent on him. I was also reluctant to ask her for babysitting when she was already doing two afternoons a week.

2-3 days a week is a lot (I know you said she does none some weeks but how much notice are you able to give her?) - I can't say I blame her not wanting to babysit on top. That's quite a lot.

Its unusual to pay as much as a commercial childcare rate to family but you agreed to it so now you are stuck with it.

She sounds like resents how much she is expected to commit to (hence no babysitting)

BackforGood · 03/04/2012 21:58

I agree with others - regular childcare is different from ad hoc 'Granny looking after the Grandchildren to help out'. However, unless she is a registered CM, she shouldn't be receiving money for childcare.

jubilee10 · 03/04/2012 22:08

Family can receive money for childcare.

StringOrNothing · 03/04/2012 22:11

Actually grandparents can legally receive money for childcare without being registered - it's a specific exception.

mynewpassion · 03/04/2012 22:15

I think its been establish many times over that family can receive money for childcare even though they are not registered CMs.

I agree with others that in this case, I think the Grandmother has to keep the specific times available for child care for the OP. The SILs seem to be on an once in awhile scenario. So, YABU.

JustHecate · 04/04/2012 07:56

Do you think she's fed up with the arrangement? Could that be a possibility?

callmemrs · 04/04/2012 09:05

Mrs fruitcake... You mention that you need childcare on an irregular basis, sometimes not needing it for weeks and sometimes several times a week.

You do realise that if you were using proper regulated childcare, ie a nursery or childminder, you would almost certainly have to pay week in week out regardless of whether you needed it, in order to keep your child's place?

My dc1 went to a cm and I paid all year round. Half rate when I was on annual leave, as a retainer. When I later used a nursery, it was full rate 51 weeks of the year.

So you need to look at it that you are getting a very good deal which you would be unlikely to get anywhere else

I think you're wrong to begrudge your SILS if your mother is providing 'one off' babysitting. Shes choosing to do them a favour. If they were expecting regular childcare it would be only right for them to pay too. There is a difference between occasional babysitting for social reasons and childcare which enables the other person to earn. Personally I think it's dreadful that some people allow relatives to basically work for free as childcarers while they get to keep their earnings all to themself.

Condensedmilk · 04/04/2012 09:14

I feel your pain.

I was the last of my siblings to have children. And although my DM helped out with my DB's children for free, when i needed help I had to pay her.

It was frustrating, but after my initial annoyance, I came to the conclusion that they were happy with her, and their happiness is worth paying for.

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