aibu regarding mil- perhaps a bit paranoid?

[levington]

It was my birthday last thursday. Mil and myself have never really got on but we're always civil when we meet. A bit of background here: last time she visited, she took a piece of jewellery from me. I frantically searched for it for days as it is precious to me. She said it got caught up in her handbag and rang to say she got it. OK, perfectly plausible I thought, these things happen and thought no more about the issue. Genuine mistake.
At Christmas, she bought me a 'beginner's guide' book in a subject I am interested in. She knows that I am more than a beginner in the subject. But I put it down to her general inability to notice those around her and thought no more about the issue.
However, in spite of the fact that this woman is rigorous in keeping up-to-date with a diary and sending of birthday cards, she has not failed to send me a birthday card every year that I have been with her son not once, this year? Nothing. I thought it was late, but no, not a card.
Now don't get me wrong, it's not the card itself- I'm not a mad card collector!-it's the fact she has not sent on if you see what I mean.

All these things individually are a bit so what? But together? Hmm. AIBU here to think that this is her making her feelings known in a small-minded way?
Perhaps I am-over to the mn jury!

beginners guide could have been simply an attempt to show an interest in your interests iyswim?

how long have you been with her son?

what do you think she might be making her feelings known about, exactly? Has something changed?

How old is she? Have you thought that she might be on a downward spiral and it's nothing to do with your relationship?

So some jewellery disappears 'accidentally', a book that is 'unsuitable' and lack of a birthday card. Memory problems?

About 20 years. Like I said, all trivial in themselves but added together. Oh I don't know, maybe it's paranoia. Hope it is, frankly, because she is not that nice.

I think because you dont "get on" you are more likely to think the worst of her - and yes you could be right. But maybe she is starting to develop memory problems, could be an explanation?

has she always been like it?does dh have siblings and if so is she same with their spouses?

She actually rang dh last week to remind him to send a birthday card to one of his nephews! Well I suppose that is what mum's do, but still.

Slightly paranoid. Perhaps she s having problems you don't know about? Is she depressed, worried, having trouble with a friend, money, her pet, her job, dementia?

I was going to ask if something had changed.
The jewellery thing is odd- would she have a reason to have taken it deliberately? To look at it more closely, or to annoy you, or something?because she clearly hasn't stolen it if she's told you immediately.
Based on just this, you do sound a little paranoid- but maybe there's more to it? What does your DH think?

She is 74, so could be an explanation, but she is so rigorous about such things, really very 'proper' about social niceties.

Oh I don't want to make such a fuss with him. It would only cause an argument -he'd tell me I am being daft. If I am, then he is right. If there is something to it, I don't want to give her satisfaction of causing an argument.

It could be memory problems, I suppose, but oh I don't know, she must have looked in her diary -she is always looking in it. It could be that because I dislike her I see the worst in her behaviour, I see that.

The jewellery/handbag thing - is her explanation even possible? Was it something that was left in close proximity to an open bag - on the edge of a table and could have dropped in? You said you were looking for a few days - surely she would have seen it in her handbag sooner than that?

That does sound a bit iffy, I have to say. But even if she does hate your guts and wanted to mess with your head by nicking it, that's the action of someone a bit unhinged - and after 20 years you'd know if she'd always been a bit unhinged. It could be something like early onset dementia (I say early - I don't know if 70s would count as early) and maybe you and your DH do need to be paying a closer eye on odd things she does.

If she hasn't a history of stealing things or forgetting your birthday I would suspect at 74 might be the start of memory problems. However these things can take years to become more serious. Both my grandmothers starting exhibiting slight personality changes a few years before they got full blown dementia.

Well it is a large piece of jewellery- a chunky necklace-so I do struggle to see how exactly how it got in therer I admit,but there you go. Anyway, thanks for replying all. It could be all of the things put forward here. So thanks.

I think you're feeling strained with her and you're projecting that tension onto the teeny tiny things she's done which you don't like. I don't think she's done anything wrong, but I do think that you are allowed not to like her.