...to wish it would get easier (the baby phase)

[Iwanttosleep]

Please reassure me that there is light at the end of the tunnel...

DS (4 months old today) is a joy and I love him to bits, but Oh Sweet Lord do I wish it would get easier. I don't think I ever imagined it would be this physically and emotionally exhausting. Or just how much BFing glues you to your baby. The night feeds (twice a night) and early wakings (5.30 this morning) are wearing me out. Yes I know someone will be along in a minute to tell me how their baby was still feeding eight times a night at this age yadda yadda (to which my only response is how the living does anyone do that and not go insane? ). And lately we've been really struggling to find the right time for him to go down at night. He's either not tired enough (massive screamfest) or over-tired (massive screamfest). I guess back when he was a colicy newborn permanently attached to my breast I fantasised about the four month mark as some wonderful point where it would all suddenly seem survivable. So tell me about the magical moment when you were no longer fighting the baby to sleep, grabbing something to eat, chewing your DH's head off over something stupidly trivial and then collapsing into bed at 8.30.

Please please don't mention the words 'four month sleep regression'. I am already living in terrified anticipation that one night he will just decide to Never Sleep Again and I will lose the will to live.

It gets easier. Then, one day when you least expect it, they're all grown-up and you look back on your baby photographs and can't remember them being anything other than a total joy.

Lots of people on here say it made no difference to their DC's sleep, but for me (and most of the mums from my antenatal class) weaning made a huge positive change. As soon as she was eating solids at 6 months old my DD started sleeping through reliably, and her daytime naps got longer too (previously she would only nap for 30 mins).

Same as what Willing said, but for us sleep came at 10 months.

By 7 months DS finally became enjoyable, as a person, and now at 12 months he is brilliant!

It gets better. Keep hanging on in there!

Oh, I feel your pain! I really struggled with the small baby phase and felt terribly out of my depth! It is so draining and impossible to believe that you will ever get to a point where you feel that you are on top of things and that "normal" life might resume.

For me, it clicked at six months (so not long to go!). DS started to develop a bit of a personality and there are lots of developmental milestones that come thick and fast at that point. It felt like I had been working towards this point.

He is 10m now and has become really engaging and entertaining. Don't get me wrong - we still VERY MUCH have our moments (3am waking, anyone?), but being someone's Mummy is a two-way thing now.

The thing that constantly amazes me about parenting, is that the rubbish stuff is SO easily forgotten. You get through it and when you look back, it's often quite difficult to recall situations. God bless hormones!

Am still chewing DP's head off, though...!

It will get better. Lots better. This sleep deprivation part can be all consuming but it does end. Mine are 8 and 5 now and my eldest was a horrific baby, he never seem to bloody sleep day or night but to be honest I can hardly remember it now. I DO remember him being scrumptious and adorable though and all the good stuff. Just go and have a look at your baby's wee face now and hang in there!

It does get easier, plus some have it harder than you like me - ds is almost 7 months and woke 6/7 times last night (I loose count tbh) he has never only woken twice . I am a real life zombie at least I have dd who is 4 to stop me from falling asleep during the day

Hi I know where u are mentally, my dd2 is 3 months old next week. Yesterday I had to take dd1 somewhere and just had not been able to put dd2 down for a tiny minute (glued to the boob/cuddlefest) all morning. I managed to brush my teeth and wash dd1 and myself while she cried but got in the car feeling a right tramp my hair was not brushed and my outfit was old tat I managed to throw on in ten seconds. I felt really harassed and seriously down about my coping skills.

It does get better, don't wish them away, last night DH had her while I made a nice dinner and she was so lovely smiling away I had to keep rushing over for cuddles... They are gone so very fast and when I look at dd1 (nearly 7) it takes my breath away how quickly the time has gone. X

Sorry I sound like a loon "rushing over for cuddles" but it's only when someone else is doing the holding and hauling around/keeping amused that I realise how tiny and precious she is, not like the huge lump giving me a frozen shoulder and sore nipples she feels like when she is attached to me and taking up all of our bed!

I've heard it does get a bit easier when they hit 18 and bog off to university!

A new baby is a shock to the system and takes quite a bit of adjustment. Before I had one, I naively assumed that at some point in the first 6 months we'd reach this blissful state called "sleeping through" and everything would be back to normal - then one day I realised that I needed to totally redefine what I thought of as "normal"!

It does get easier as the sleep deprivation reduces by degrees and you get into your stride with it. Then when they get a bit bigger and you have a whole list of other challenges to face, you won't even remember this bit and that will happen alot faster than you think! Concentrate on the positives and try to enjoy the simple things, such as at the moment he stays where you put him and you don't yet need to grow eyes in the back of your head.

It gets easier, but the first 2 years of a childs life is a total grind, and if there are more than one....

It get's easier DD is 2.6 and the first 6 months were hell, I bf'd exclusively and I just felt like I'd lost my identity, I hadn't slept, went days without washing, constantly snapped at my DP (although I didn't view him as 'D' at that stage)

We eventually started a bed time routine when DD was about 6/7 months, and even that was hell, having to sit downstairs trying to tidy up, have dinner, and talk to DP while she screamed.

Generally DD is a lovely little girl and as they get older and can understand and communicate it does get easier, but there is no magic date, I know some babies that have been easy until 2 and then turned into monsters, and others that have been hell until 3, you've just got to do what you can to maintain your sanity.

I think babies do get a bit more settled from about 6 months - as well as having my two I've worked in nurseries where we took them from 6 mths and it always seemed a nice, calm settled phase for nearly all of them (and a good age to start at the nursery)

Don't forget they are changing and growing all the time so if you're going through a difficult phase it really won't be for ever - eg only two months until he's 6 months old. He might sleep through by then or only wake once ?

And the whole baby phase only lasts about a year, and then you'll have a walking talking toddler to get to know !

My dd has just turned 13 and I remember all the older Mums who were coming out the other side of the whole thing telling me how quickly it all flies by

Top tip - don't rush into having another one ! If you're thinking of a sibling at some point then have a decent gap. I'd recommend at least 3 or 4 years !

4 months was a pretty grim time. All those promises it would get easier and it hadn't, yet, and I wanted my life and body back. Then, between 4 and 6 months, ds (now 10mo) discovered his hands and started to fairly competently use them to amuse himself. Soon after, he learned to sit, pick things up he'd dropped, and then the weaning fun began. He started to express a personality that was so much more enjoyable than the relentless grind of early babyhood. If you're lucky, your LO will start to knit together slightly longer/more predictable chunks of sleep soon - this made a big difference to my well being.

What a lovely, encouraging post dizzy

Hi OP, don't feel bad - I think everyone finds the first few months hard, horrible even. It's just such a shock to the system to have a tiny scrap so dependant on you 24 hours a day, with no respite and often minimial amounts of sleep.

My DS got a lot better around 6 months. He stopped waking in the night for feeds and started falling into a 7am - 7pm routine. Although he had horrendous reflux (sick 60+ times a day) and was miserable much of the time, I found I could cope with it all a lot better if I was well rested.

Unfortunately at 1 yo he is miserable again, although the sickness has gone. He is back to several night wakings thanks to teething and colds/ illnesses BUT at least not every night is a bad one, and on the whole I don't feel exhausted. He is desperately trying to get mobile now and so frustrated, and has been almost constantly ill since November - it does seem like one thing after another at the moment.

I am almost 6 mo pg with no2 now and not looking forward to going through those early months again but at least I know it will get better with time. My mantra is "this too shall pass".

I agree with you about breastfeeding too. It is one of the most worthwhile things I have done, although I did find it hard, painful and very tying.

Hang on in there - it'll get better I promise!!

P.s. I agree with the poster who said you'll look back with your Rose tinted glasses on in a few years and only remember the good stuff. MIL swears that DH never got them up in the night and only ever cried twice that she can remember

Thanks for posting. I think its just shocked me how weak and vulnerable I feel. I didn't have a particularly easy life up until my mid-twenties and always thought of myself as a strong person, but this is easily the hardest thing I've ever done (I think lack of sleep is a huge part of it).

I never cried as a baby, slept through from 2 days old and was horribly easy. According to my mother. My Dad will tell you a different story entirely. Family do the same with dd. She's nearly 5 and they look at 7mo ds and exclaim 'gosh dd was never like this/never cried/was easy'. Bollocks. DD fed every 2hrs day and night for at least 8 months and cried if you even thought about putting her down. Rose tinted spectacles. Yours will come in the post. But until then...

It's always challenging. That bit doesn't change, certainly. But it becomes differently challenging. And more rewarding. Instead of those early months of give give give where you're always sort of hoping you're getting it right, feeding again because you don't know quite what else to do, sacrificing your time, your body, your thoughts, your sanity over to the care of this extremely difficult little baby, you start building a relationship. And that relationship arises from that hard work in the early days. You start to know your child. They know you. You'll just know what they want and you'll respond without question. They give back. They say things like your name (ohhhh, amazing) and they blow kisses and wave and laugh freely when you pull a funny face. And they'll probably still do the 3am waking thing sometimes and look at you intently before asking in all innocent seriousness 'yum yum nana mama?' and you'll at least have an insight into this peculiar little whim-driven soul you're caring for.

It gets better in tiny increments. So miuch so that you won't notice at first.

But you won't be giving yourself over to a baby forever. You'll be enjoying your relationship with a child who just gets better and better.

You'll even have another I bet... shocking but true

Lovely post GoGoBananas makes me feel better about number 2!

sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture yet mothers are expected to function with no sleep , I will get easier Mine are older so i was weaning at 4 months and TBh it made all the difference to us , I gave them baby rice in the evening and they only needed 1 feed during the night , your baby wont be a baby forever , and you will forget the sleepless nights , be kind to yourself

I remember everyone telling me it got better at 12 weeks. It didn't. Then it was 'oh by four months she'll be sleeping through'. Um, nope.

But then at nearly six months somethinvg just clicked. DD slept and was a joy to be around, and we were down to four feeds a day so I got more time to be me and not just mum- the- boob-and-milkmachine.

It's a phase and yes, it's incredibly tough. But you will come out the other side I promise. I just can't tell you when..

Does your LO sleep in the car? If so can you get your dp to take them out so you can sleep? Its amazing how even a couple of hours sleep can make it all seem a bit brighter.

And until things improve be kind to yourself. The housework, clean clothes and showering are all overrated anyway!

Yes it gets easier. Every stage has its challenges but the no sleep one is the hardest because you have to deal with everything else whilst fighting exhaustion. It will come eventually. Have you thought about an expressed bottle for her at night so that your DP can do a feed occasionally? Is there someone (maybe grandparents) who could give you a few hours off one afternoon so you can get your head down? We go and stay with the IL for a week at a time and get lots of lie-ins and time off. We do it every school hols (both teachers) so we get a little recharge every 6-7 weeks which helps massively (we have a 2.7 and 10m old). I think its really important, if at all possible to allow other people to have that level of contact from as early as poss so the DCs get used to it and its not then a big deal to leave them occasionally. Best of luck.

4 months is a very bad age. It gets better!

I agree Iwanttosleep that the hardest part of having a newborn for me was not the nappies, the feeds, the crying (I did all of these things like a robot - a loving robot, mind) it was the lack of sleep.

Sleep deprivation is hard and it can make you think you are not coping, it can make you snappy and it can make you teary. I was all of these things for a little while and still am. You cannot be strong on 2 hours sleep, believe me.

I hate to be the 100th person to say that it will get easier but 100 people can't be wrong. And as someone else said upthread, you will look back in a few years with nothing but rose-tinted glasses. I don't know how that happens but it does :)

Lack of sleep is torture and us used as such in some parts if the world.

My oldest dc is 22 and youngest of my 4 is 12 but I defiantly remember the 4 month mark being really tough with them all.

Please please keep in mind ut will get easier.

Have u considered is he hungry? Please ignore the Hv bollocks of no solids for 6 months, it's crap, all of my babies were well over 9lb born and would have raised roof if just on milk for that long and I bf each if them for a year as well.

Also as baby gets older try controlled crying, it's bloody ace and works as long as you can stick at it, I did it at 6 months with all if mine and it was a revelation.

Please don't despair it really really gets easier.

At the 8 month mark here and DS wakes at least three times a night more like five. Last night was particularly bad with him being mainly awake, sicky baby. It changed for me when I stopped obsessing about the lack of sleep and realised he slept a lot better with us and I felt rested as well. Still not easy but it's getting there.