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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My bloody mother!!!!!!!!!!

11 replies

Goawaybob · 02/04/2012 12:17

OMFG - i swear!!!

She just infuriates me. Its not passive aggression, its passive feel sorry for myself, make you feel guitysion!

She wants to go to the garden centre, she doesn't drive - but she will ask to go during the week when DP working, i dont drive. So i say we can go at the weekend. OK. Saturday phoned her, do you want to go to the garden centre? No no, i cant be bothered, lets go for something to eat - we do this, she pays - shes very generous (with cash). Sunday sort of goes by, we have to go shopping, then we tidy garden, i phone her later to see if she wants to come for dinner, no, shes got upset tummy. No mention of g center. Now, this isnt the first weekend that we have offered her to the garden centre and she hasn't wanted to go.

She has just phoned - "im going to the garden center" not "im going to the garden center do you want to come". I said, wait til later in the week, DP can take you - "no no, its too late anyway, my garden is full of moss" I wasnt aware that this was a crisis?? I said well why don't you pop around the corner to DIY shop, they have their own garden centre im sure they will have it. Or DP can fetch it for you on way home from work? "no, i need a LOT of stuff" oh, so how will you get it home? "Mr X brother will take me, if i ask him, and i'll pay him so........."

guilt trip, much?

She does this ALL the time. Will never Ask for stuff directly, will drop sob story and expect me to offer, i always do, but then it will be "oh i cant be bothered now" or theres another reason why she can't do it.

It makes me see red - i end up feeling guilty for not doing enough for her or not involving her enough. She will have DD, but not for long periods and i have to ask which sort of irritates me because DD loves spending time with her. I know she cant cope with her for long but i actually think it would be quite nice for her to have her, otherwise she is on her own. Thats up to her though, she likes her own company and that of her yeti dog.

Just the guilt tripping pisses me off so much

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 02/04/2012 12:24

Is she my MIL by any chance - the similarities are striking Grin

I'm intrigued as to what a yeti dog looks like. Is it like this:

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=yeti+dog&hl=en&biw=1024&bih=391&gbv=2&tbm=isch&tbnid=V55JGux2glpxqM:&imgrefurl=www.boostinspiration.com/photography/cute-pictures-dogs/&docid=ZbFzbMyz4gU5aM&imgurl=www.boostinspiration.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/pictures-of-dogs/05-pictures-of-dogs.jpg&w=500&h=667&ei=BYx5T7O9EOjb0QW09InCBA&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=783&vpy=-4&dur=2234&hovh=259&hovw=194&tx=126&ty=287&sig=102544834954817158665&page=3&tbnh=112&tbnw=83&start=30&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:11,s:30" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">yeti dog

Chilenachica · 02/04/2012 12:29

Maybe next time she calls to say she's going some where she can't Get to Under her own steam you could reply along the línes of "that's nice mum, hope you enjoy/find what you need" and if you want to go to the garden centre then go, whether she wants to or not.

Chilenachica · 02/04/2012 12:32

Oh, and repeat, in your head, this is your problem and I didn't cause it, while she's whining.

Goawaybob · 02/04/2012 12:32

CHilean, thats pretty much what i did but i will now sit and stew all bloody day - she wont even bloody go - silly cow Hmm her, not you!

OP posts:
Goawaybob · 02/04/2012 12:34

Salmotrutta - that dog is just sooooo cute, i NEED one - thanks for that, i have now the biggest grin on my face! but no, her dog looks nothing like that, which if she were your MIL you woudl know by now Grin

OP posts:
NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 02/04/2012 12:35

MIL does this.

There was one memorable occasion in the very early days of my relationship with DH, where PILS ran out of petrol right outside their own home. FIL thought he had enough to get him to the petrol station but SIL borrowed the car for a very short trip and must have run out of petrol right as she parked the car as she got home and didn't notice. So when FIL went to start the car to go fill up it wouldn't move.

We were staying over but had all had a glass of wine. They didn't need the car until the next day so we said we would take FIL to the petrol station in the morning to fill up a petrol can to bring back and a great fuss was made about not wanting to put us to any trouble.

Two hours later, at about 9:30pm, MIL disappeared. Then she rang from her mobile to say that she had tried to walk to the petrol station to fetch the petrol but felt ill and couldn't go any further (petrol station was less than a mile away but MIL is very, very overweight and has type 2 diabetes). FIL didn't tell us this, he just disappeared too and about half an hour later we got a call on DH's mobile to say that they were both stuck on a bench near the petrol station and too ill to walk back (FIL also overweight and type 2).

We had to fetch them back in a taxi (and pay for it) because we didn't want to risk driving after drinking the wine and somehow it was all our fault for saying we wouldn't take FIL to the petrol station earlier. DH ended up apologising for making his mother walk all that way on her own at night Hmm.

Smallbrownbird · 02/04/2012 17:01

Yup, it's a mother thing. My grandmother did it to my mother, my mother does it to me... Will I do it when I'm their age? Probably! What I actually need to do is what my brother has done extremely well, which is to behave in exactly the same way towards her as she does towards us. Unfortunately this means letting go of my deeply ingrained training as the 'good daughter'. Not easy. If you find out how to do it, let me know before I burst a blood vessel. Grin

HerrenatheHHHarridan · 02/04/2012 17:11

My mum does the passive aggressive guilt tripping thing too - oddly she is also generous with cash.

I think she thinks that we can't complain as long as she buys us things and also that we will love her because of it (wrong on both counts).

Next time your mother asks you to take her anywhere, say 'Sorry, can't.' She won't actually follow through with the plans if you say yes, so it doesn't make any difference in reality! It'll upset her (presumable) world view of 'Goawaybob will always accommodate me and all the power is in my hands' though, which may cause ructions....for good or bad is up to you!

alittlebitcountry · 02/04/2012 18:06

Hi OP,
It may not change anything but I find it oddly soothing when my mum is driving me up the wall to occasionally throw in the phrase "oh, ok
There
We
Are
Then"
And mentally repeat over and over.

Thanks to another m-netter for that tip, sorry I can't recall who it was.

fotheringhay · 02/04/2012 18:40

Grin brilliant!

TidyDancer · 02/04/2012 18:55

It's not confined to parents I'm afraid. My cousin does this. She whines on and on and on and on about not having something, or desperately wanting to do something but not having the money or the ability to do it. It won't stop until someone says "well I could lend you some money" (which she would never pay back) or "I'll take you". People tire of her very quickly.

I haven't spoken to her properly in months. Can you tell why? Grin

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