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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to do the ironing?

25 replies

RVF400 · 02/04/2012 11:50

I?ve been getting really peeved at DH for the last couple of weeks, he?s just not pulling his weight around the house at the moment. I?ve been starting to just do all household chores as slowly as possible and ignoring all the crap he leaves everywhere and adding to it with my own where possible. A bit passive-aggressive really but the other option is a row and I just can?t be arsed. So this morning at 6.30 he calmly announced he had no shirts left for work and could I please do some ironing today. I told him to get stuffed. He thinks I?m joking and is fully expecting to find his shirts ironed when he gets home .

To clarify, ironing is normally one of my ?jobs? in the house, but one of his is cooking and I can count on one hand the number of meals he has cooked in the last month. He did cook last night, though, so of course he will try to use that to justify his claim that IABU. ARGH just thinking about it is making my blood boil.

Tactics, anyone?

OP posts:

Goawaybob · 02/04/2012 11:53

YABU if you dont talk this through its going to fester into some shite. He is not pulling his weight, sit hiim down and tell him instead of playing games. Tell him you wont be doing jobs "for him" until he bucks his ideas up, but make sure you tell him.

As far as ironing goes - YANBU i dont own an iron

UnChartered · 02/04/2012 11:53

tactics?

sit down and talk to him instead of playing games?

Goawaybob · 02/04/2012 11:54

oooh, x posts, greatminds!

WorraLiberty · 02/04/2012 11:55

Tactics would be actually speaking to him about this rather than telling him to get stuffed.

Simply explain that he hasn't been doing the cooking when he should, therefore you're not going to be doing the cooking and ironing.

If you can't be arsed with a row, you're probably going the wrong way about it.

MissFaversham · 02/04/2012 11:55

OP just don't do it and then tell him why.

AwkwardMary · 02/04/2012 11:58

Why can't he iron his own shirts? I work....I wouldn't expect my DH who works part time to iron my shirts.

MousyMouse · 02/04/2012 12:02

wash them, shake them, hang them straight on hangers to dry.
if he wants more let him do that.

are the shirts the only thing you iron?

AwkwardMary · 02/04/2012 12:02

To clarify, we both prep our clothes the night before...one of us will also do the DCs clothes. We don't do a big iron....little and often and shared.

Original poster

RVF400 · 02/04/2012 12:13

ok, just had a think about this and have just realised the ironing is only the tip of the iceberg. (Strange how I have to write it all down to see the obvious).

We used to have a fairly sensible division of chores around the house, mainly based on the fact that I hate anything kitchen related and DH doesn't see dirt unless it IS in the kitchen. Anyhow, it seemed to work OK but since I've been on maternity leave it has just gone to crap. I am just doing everything now. I think I was an idiot early on and tried to do too much, and actually managed to cook dinner a few times, which I was very proud of.

I think it has backfired and now DH has totally unrealistic expectations. God, I can't wait to go back to work. I feel like I spend my whole life in the kitchen either shoving food into DD's mouth, or cleaning it off her, me and every visible surface.

I am now so cross about the whole thing I'm worried I won't actually be able to have a "talk" about it without blowing up. I shouldn't have bottled it all up, should I.

OP posts:

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 02/04/2012 12:21

Nip it in the bud now, or once you go back to work you'll still find yourself doing everything.

BTW, it's not true that your DH can't 'see dirt', that's an excuse to get out of doing jobs he finds boring.

I wouldn't iron his shirts, he needs reminding that you are his wife, not his skivvy.

Goawaybob · 02/04/2012 12:23

No, you shouldn't. You do enough looking after DD, but we are all guity of letting someone else do stuff if they do it, i know this because if i can get away with letting DP do everything i will.

Just tell him - it doesn't have to be an argument, just say that your time is better spent caring for DD and that whilst you are happy to iron his shirts for him actually, you need him to do his fair share of chores as it was decided. Make it clear that just because you are in the house it doesn't automatically mean you have time to do all this extra shite

tantrumsandballoons · 02/04/2012 12:26

Did you agree that whilst you were on maternity leave you would do more of the household jobs?
I'm just asking because if you didn't and you are doing more of his jobs as you are at home, he will probably expect you to do it when you go back to work as well!

Some DHs think maternity leave is like a holiday so expect you to take over ALL household jobs, I would talk to him now tbh and just establish the division of household jobs so you dont feel you are doing everything and he is doing nothing.

MNHubbie · 02/04/2012 12:29

I decided this year to start wearing ironed shirts everyday rather than just interview days but I get up a little earlier to iron it before I have a shower in the morning. It pretty much is the only ironing that happens in our house.

If I can manage it anyone can.

NagooBunnytail · 02/04/2012 12:30

TALK.

don't fuck about with passive aggressive bollocks, talk to him about what you want to happen. You are not happy, and you are helping this situation spiral downwards...

Iron one shirt, if he asked you nicely. You have agreed that it is 'your' job.

When he has been sitting around and leaving you to cook, what have you said? If you are silently picking up all the jobs, then you can't really moan about it to us if you have not said anything to him.

Stop playing games and talk to him about it.

Original poster

RVF400 · 02/04/2012 12:58

Everyone saying we need to talk, I know you are 100% right but I am now worried I am too worked up to talk about it sensibly.
To clarify the cooking thing, I did cook a few times (probably

OP posts:

NagooBunnytail · 02/04/2012 13:02

so start with the nice bit, recognise the DIY, acknowledge the hours he works etc etc and then talk about how overwhelmed you feel.

If you can keep it about you, and not blame him, then he's more likely to respond to you, and help you to redistribute things more fairly :)

BREATHE :)

sunshineandbooks · 02/04/2012 13:05

RVF this is a really common problem in relationships and often occurs as a result of a mother being at home on maternity leave. It doesn't necessarily mean your DP is a sexist idiot or that your relationship is in trouble. However, how you handle it now the problem has been noted is important, and if your DH doesn't see that it's unfair to let you do more than your fair share, you have a problem. YANBU to feel unvalued and disrespected by having your partner assume that you are willing to do act as his skivvy.

If you're having trouble having the conversation with him it's probably because you're not entirely clear on what you want to say and how you want to say it. To that end, I'd really recommend this book. It will really help you clarify your thoughts and have a calm discussion about it.

Good luck.

knowitallstrikesagain · 02/04/2012 13:06

Ah bums, I came on here all ready to say YANBU! Then I read the OP and thought, YABU! TALK TO THE MAN!

Now I feel a bit sorry for you and don't want to shout. And you know you have to talk to him anyway. So good luck.

NagooBunnytail · 02/04/2012 13:17

PM me when you find it knowitall

Goawaybob · 02/04/2012 13:18

oh yes, and me to knowitall - im just in the mood!

manicbmc · 02/04/2012 13:29

I run a no ironing household. If anyone does need something ironing, they do it themselves.

But do have a chat with your dp. If you are going back to work, you need to have the ground rules set.

knowitallstrikesagain · 02/04/2012 13:31

NagooBunnytail and Goawaybob

I have posted a sarcy little comment on here but cannot find one to really get my teeth into...

JustHecate · 02/04/2012 13:35

if you feel that you are too angry to be able to talk to him, then write it down first. Get it all out on paper. Plan what you will say.

Or write a letter and give it to him instead.

Yes, he should be pulling his weight, yes, he shouldn't need telling - but you have a responsibility to communicate if you're not happy about something. Not saying anything because someone 'ought' to know, or you shouldn't have to say anything has never solved a problem yet!

Original poster

RVF400 · 02/04/2012 13:47

sunshine I must have that book! Just been reading the intro on amazon and it has already cheered me up. (Although the odds of me filing for divorce on the grounds of hating ironing have just risen substantially)
justhecate yes I think that might work I am in the middle of writing him an email in fact. But am now distracted by the aforementioned book.

OP posts:

Ephiny · 02/04/2012 14:42

I wouldn't do the passive-aggressive thing, just say you are not happy with the arrangement where you do all the ironing, and that from now on you'd prefer if you each take responsibility for your own stuff. If he can't/won't iron, he can get them done at a launderette that offers a shirt service.

I know you have more problems than just the ironing, but you have to start somewhere :)

Absolutely agree you need to get this sorted ASAP, or you are going end up back at work and doing the 'housewife' role as well. The 'golden rule' people talk about on here is that both partners should have approximately equal amounts of leisure time - if that's not the case for you at the moment, it might be a good starting point for a discussion?

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