to let this keep me awake at night. Please tell me to let it go!

[Newmummytobe79]

I struggle to sleep at night and I stupidly let non-issue thoughts wind me up ... which results in me finding it even more difficult to sleep!

One thought which keeps appearing in the night is the following and I really want to let it go ... but can't. Please tell me I'm being stupid 6 months on.

Sorry it's so long and ranty in advance!

When I was pregnant I wanted my Mum to be there during the labour. I told my DH and we had a discussion a bit of a heated debate about how he really wanted it to be just us. I didn't give in straight away, but I took his opinion on board, and am pleased we eventually just had us there to welcome baby. The fact I had a dreadful, dreadful time of it probably saved my mum alot of heartache too.

What still gets to me, is that after deciding no-one would be at the hospital until baby arrived ... whilst 20+ hours into it, tired, in pain, high on gas on air, a midwife told us 'parents' had turned up during ward visiting hour. I was pretty out of it by this stage and DH looked just as bad as me - we both shrugged, expected it to be my mum (I knew my Dad would stay away until baby was wrapped up and in a snuggly cuddle-able status!), and my in-laws turned up with a bag of food, and spent and hour babbling on and watching TV whilst I puffed away in agony. Looking back I should have just told them to go away! But I really wasn't in a great place.

DH and I have never discussed this since - I think he knows he should have asked them to leave but was as shocked as me.

What really p*sses me off is that for weeks/months after they always mentioned it to my mum. Oh when X was in labour, oh she was doing so well, oh it looked so tough' etc - making my mum (and me!) feel generally shit she wasn't involved in what was one of the biggest moments of my/her daughters life.

I know I should let it go, but it eats away at me in the early hours. I know if we are lucky enough to have a next time, I will tell DH not to let ANYONE in whilst I'm in labour ... from the moment I see that little blue line

I'm hoping writing this down will rid me of the thoughts - but would like a bit of perspective to see if my thoughts are understandable, or if I need a big kick up the backside and to be told to get over it!

Talk to you DH first. You are hanging onto this for a reason. Your Subconcious hasn't resolved this yet and I don't see you having any real peace of mind until you talk it out. With HIM.

(((Hugs)))

You do need to get over it, in the gentlest possible way!

If they do mention it to your mother again, sigh and say yes DM, you managed to respect the fact that the birth was just for us, what a shame PIL's couldn't do the same. A bit PA but they shouldn't be saying stuff like that, even if they don't realise how it sounds.

get over it a little bit! i think your dh was proberbly overwhelmed with the situation and has the misfortune to have very insensitive parents! make it clear that you are not going to allow it to happen again!

btw, wtf is it these days that all and bloody sundry turn up in a labour room? and why do they want to be there? whats wrong with turning up the day after the birth with a bunch of flowers and a card? thank fuck im too old to do all again?

I think a difficult labour causes all sorts of emotions to bubble up and while it would be nice if you could let it go, it's understandable if you can't. Perhaps you are trying to resolve all sorts of feelings about the labour and you are focusing in on this but it's really about other things.

My labour was fine looking back, a tear, but apart from that it was quick and successful but I still feel sad about bits of it I should have done "better". I felt dreadful just afterwards, I've never forgotten how I nearly went to a very very dark place in my head but somehow things swung round and I was OK. And I was in nothing like 20+ hours of labour.

Is your mum upset that she wasn't there? Surely she knows you aren't really in control of what happens at labour time, there are so many other people involved. Perhaps the ILs were trying to share the experience with her by talking about it, they didn't mean to rub it in.

If the sleep is the main problem rather than your feelings about labour, do you like audiobooks? You could load some onto an MP3 player so that when you wake up in the night with thoughts going round and round in your head, you have something soothing to concentrate on instead.

You know, your DP knows, and your Mum knows that the reason she wasn't there is because she respected your decision to labour with just your DP. And the ILs didn't. Your Mum has the moral high ground, and nothing they say to her will make that less true.

But I do think you should call them on it. Start a conversation re how you'd like another child - something about baby names or preferred age gaps would do it - and say "this time, I will insist to the midwives that we have no visitors during labour because you did know that's what we wanted last time". I think just having the words out there will give you the closure you want.

You need to discuss it with your DH - not in an accusatory way as he was probably not thinking straight at the time either.

You could try writing a full and frank letter to the PIL, setting out exactly how you feel and then burn it. Maybe this will help you let go of the emotions.

You could get DH to tell his parent to shut the fuck up about it (although perhaps put it a bit more nicely that that!) and tell your mum that they gatecrashed the labour and you only let them in because you thought it was her.

TBH, the only thing your PIL have done wrong is to go on about it - presumably they didn't realise they weren't welcome given you let them in.

I agree you need to talk it out as much as you need to before you can let go of it. Do that with you DH. Have you talked to your mum about it as well? Without bitching about your MIL, it might help for you to tell her about your labour and how you felt about it.

I would only do this if your mum is pretty fair-minded and not us it as amm against your PIL (there can be competitiveness...)

ammo

It takes a while to get over some of the unexpected things that can happen during labour, mine was traumatic and it took me years to be able to talk about it without shaking and wanting to cry. You often feel so vulnerable and in pain and it is such an intense time that the whole event is etched on your brain for ages afterwards. I totally understand. Time will make it fade but in the meantime I do think you ought to talk about it with your DH and he really needs to say something to his parents about them bringing it up all the time.

This isn't a 'non-issue' - this would SERIOUSLY piss me off. Who on earth did they think they were turning up uninvited during the most sensitive and unpredictable time of your life?! I'd be absolutely seething, I'm surprised you've managed to hold it together this long TBH. It would be a very hard thing for me to get over.

It's a very different situation but despite our explicit requests that nobody smoked on their way to visit our newborn (PFB, I don't care) my FIL had a cigarette in the car and the whole family reeked when they walked into the ward, also when DS was about 2 days old we invited several family members over for cuddles and we're very specific about what times were convenient and asked them to stay for half an hour only (i know this sounds precious and a bit rude but I was in agony, we were all knackered, I was struggling with breastfeeding and DS was recovering from forceps delivery head injuries) - what with some people outstaying their welcome and others turning up late at one point DH had gone for a sleep and I was left entertaining 9 people in my living room - let me tell you that having an (undiagnosed at this point) infection in my episiotomy stitches I was in no state to argue but it was HELL

anyway the moral of my story was that, like you, in my most vulnerable moment, 'loved ones' who should have known better were selfish (all anyone cares about is being the first to know about, see and hold a new baby) - needless to say when I give birth this time I am planning to take as much time as the 4 of us need to settle and rest and bond as a family, nobody is getting an invite or stepping anywhere near us until I am 100% ready, and I don't give a shit how anybody else feels about that.

So basically what I'm saying is - its not nothing, tell them they were out of order and how it made you feel, after you've spoken to you OH about it, it's important to you which means its important!

First, decide who you are most cross with - yourself for letting DH dissuade you from having your mum there, your DH for not getting rid of his parents, or your ILs for turning up uninvited and gloating afterwards (don't care if it's not deliberate, they're rubbing your mum's nose in it).

Then:

1. forgive yourself, you did the right thing.
2. tell DH that you are having trouble with the fact that he didn't throw his parents out and extract a solemn vow that if anything like that EVER happens again he will do the right thing
3. I'm sure you've already explained time and again to your mum that the ILs weren't invited so I expect she's got over it by now
4. ask your DH to politely tell his parents to put a sock in it - gloating is terribly rude and unpleasant. Make him use the word gloating. His parents might not even realise that's what they're doing but they still are. Make sure that DH does this - he needs to take responsibility for the fact that he didn't deal with it at the time.

You just need to get this out of your system because it will niggle away at you until you do (not projecting my own experience here at all, oh no, not me) and once you feel that you have done something about it, even though it won't change what happened, you will be able to let it go.

NicecupofTea that sounds truly horrendous, you poor thing. No wonder you are going to do it differently next time!

Great advice Thumbwitch

You should have allowed your mum to be there. You are angry at yourself forgot standing up to your DH. Why the fuck did he object to your mum? If anyone tries to keep me away from my dd's at their most vulnerable time they will have a job! My mu. Was at birth of dd1 and I'm so glad... She died a year later and it brought us so close.

For not, not forgot!

you haven't spoken to them about it have you, how you felt infiltrated (for want of a better word).

this on top of labour which never goes the way you expect, which you don't realise at the time.

this takes a long time to get over, the exhaustion you are in after 20 hrs is unimaginable isn't it.

you need to go and talk to someone, and in time the pain from them being there will lessen. xxx

and mainly what thumbwitch said.

Thank you all for making me feel like I'm not going crazy and it is/was a big deal!

For those who think I'm angry my mum wasn't with me during labour - I'm not. To be honest I think it made DH realise what a responsibility having a baby is and going through what we did together (it was very worrying in parts - for both baby's safety and mine) has brought us closer.

I really appreciate the great advice

Was going to say, my FIL came in, sat on my birthing ball and "put his back out" thus ensuring all attention was on him for the next month!

Still think he was out of order to expect you not to want your mum. My DH wouldn't dare! Mind you he is a squeamish person and was glad for someone else to be there for me in the event he couldn't cope. Bless

For dd2 he couldnt cope with my emergency Caesarian so his mum stepped in! Thanks god I wasn't alone!

I was going to post what thumbwitch said. She's saved me the bother. Do that it's all you can do.

You poor thing. This would really have upset me too. I'd have been fuming, in fact. Are they normally this insensitive and tactless?

As another person who spends hours awake at night going over past grievances, I can't offer any helpful advice. (If I knew the answer, I'd have done it myself.) I guess seeing a CBT counsellor might be helpful. Or having it out with your DH - though the danger is that you will have a huge row about it. But perhaps that is better than letting it fester for the rest of your life.

I would be really pissed off by this. I'm sure you know you were totally in the right. Thumbwitch's points are good. I would add

1. Make sure it's in your next birthplan that you don't want ANY visitors. Make a point of explaining to the midwife, in front of your DH, that your MIL turned up last time and was a nightmare. She will definitely not want anyone there who is going to make her job harder. Tell her that if there is a shift change, she should explain to her colleague. It is DH's job to explain again if there's a shift change too.

I also had a very difficult and long first labour (two days and nights without sleep) that it took me a long time to come to terms with. I thought about it every day for a year. During my second pregnancy, I had a hypnotherapy CD which I listened to most days in the run up to labour and it really helped me wipe the slate clean, and of course second time was much easier and shorter.