to be frustrated at friends constantly changing plans

[bistokids]

We have some friends, lets call them Peter and Jane. We've known them a few years, kids in same school. They're nice people and we enjoy their company but they change plans all the time and it's driving me mad.

For example, we invited them for a BBQ and arranged for them to come at 7.30pm and they rang at 6pm saying they were on their way and would be 10 minutes (we have a toddler who we needed to bath and put to bed). We were totally thrown when they arrived.

I arranged to go out with Jane. Jane suggested Peter came over with the kids so he and DH were not left alone. DH actually loves having the house to himself and doesn't mind being 'left alone' but agreed anyway. The plan was set but Peter simply didn't show up.

They noticed we were getting rid of a sofa and said they wanted it. The sofa had actually been on Freecycle and the person we'd promised it to had let us down last weekend and failed to collect it. She still apparently wanted it but we were dubious about why she was messing us about (we offered her to come any night last week and she said she wasn't able to) - so naturally we offered it to our friends when they expressed an interest. We told the Freecycle lady we'd been unable to hold onto it any longer and she then sent me a nasty email which stressed me out.

Our friends had hired a van and made plans to come and get said sofa that afternoon. I was alone with the kids as DH was working. I had planned to go out for the day but cancelled these plans to be available for them to collect the sofa. They were supposed to come at 2pm but by 2.30pm hadn't shown - I rang to see what had happened and found them 30 miles away shopping. They hadn't rang to say they were running late. Our whole day was blown waiting for them - DD was upset because she'd been looking forward to seeing their kids (actually she was sitting on the window ledge for 30 minutes waiting to see their car).

They arranged to come next day for the sofa. We'd gone out. I kept them updated by text on our whereabouts. We ended up having dinner in a pub and pretty much rushing to finish our meal as time was ticking on. I text them to say we'd be home in 30 minutes and they 'postponed until tomorrow.'

They have asked to come and get the sofa this morning. I agreed and said 'after 10' as none of us was dressed. They said this was no good and they'd come this afternoon instead. I am alone with the kids again. They have given me no set time.

Seriously they are beginning to drive me mad constantly changing plans. I really like this couple but need to be more assertive I think - this is the third day running we are waiting for them to collect this bloody sofa. Is it my fault for not being assertive enough? What would you have done?

You need to stop waiting for them - tell them when you will be available, and then go out if they haven't bothered to turn up. There are some people who just assume it "isn't a problem" to treat others like that, either because they are laid back and it wouldn't bother them, or else because they assume you will tell them if it is a problem. And sometimes because they are selfish jerks, of course!

Tell them you are not going to put your ife on hold waiting for them to come for the sofa - if they want it, then they had better make arrangements to come and get it and then stick to that, or else you'll put it back on Freecycle.

Same with other things - don't just stay silent, or say "fine" when they mess you about. Say "No, we won't be ready for you till 7:30", "No, that doesn't suit me, thanks", "No, we'll be going out" etc

Blimey, I can feel my blood pressure rising just reading that post! They ABU on a grand scale! How can they possibly think that is reasonable behaviour. I'm sure they are very nice but some people need things to be stated in very clear language and you have to get a bit shirty with them before they "get it".

Agree with Amum you need to call them or text them and say that you absolutely cannot put this off to another day and you have something planned at a certain time today so unless they show up by that time you are putting it back on Freecycle. It doesn't matter if you don't really have anything else on, that is not the point.

Things like this are SO annoying and awkward OP and you have been understanding enough!

Or say "you can pick it up at the following time/times in today" and other than that make yourself unavailable. But be clear that they are mucking you around.

Put the sofa in the garden, and go out.

Agree leave the sofa outside

Argh it's raining!!

I sometimes think that allowing thoughtless people to experience the consequences of their actions is the best way to get through to them, so in the bbq situation, I would have said 'oh you're much earlier than the time we agreed, I still have to bath toddler and put to bed. Help yourselves to a drink, DH will look after you.' And then continued to do everything as if they hadn't arrived yet.

Regarding the sofa, don't allow them to change the plan, state a day when you will be available and genuinely don't need to go anywhere, and warn them if it isn't collected, it won't be available at all except back on freecycle (although there are obviously enough time wasters on there too!)Why not stick it outside your house with a notice saying it's free to whoever collects and see what happens? If they come and get it all well and good, if someone else takes it, well, it's the friends fault for not sticking to the plan.

In future, I wouldn't make any plans with them that will interfere with yours or spoil your day, so that if they are early/late/don't show it won't matter to you. I would be as irritated as you in the circumstances. If it means seeing less of them as a result, I guess that's life.

YANBU, especially as their thoughtless behaviour has upset your DD as well as you and your DH.