to think DF might actually spend some time with us after travelling 12,000 miles to see us?

[Arana]

Just a rant. We emigrated to Australia 6 months ago, and my Dad and his girlfriend have just come to visit for the first time. DCs 2 and 4 have been very excited, looking forwards to it, and loved it when they've been here.

I've just started a new job, so unfortunately I have only been able to take two days off (which they knew before they came), but AIBU to think that they might want to spend more than 9 days with us over a six week visit? They've been to Australia before, and gave us the impression that they were coming to see us rather than have a holiday (they only came back from 2 weeks in the Canaries a week before they came out to Oz, and that was their 3rd holiday already this year).

They've rented a campervan as our house is pretty small, and although they did say they'd probably be travelling during the week when we're at work, I didn't realise it would be like that the whole time, and half the weekends as well. They've only been here a week and a half, yet we will only see them for four more days over the next month, despite bank holidays etc.

Side-whinges too: They asked if there were any specific dates they'd like us to babysit for before they came over - I asked if they could look after the kids on the 20th April as it's DH's birthday and we were hoping to go out with friends. They agreed, so we've arranged it all with his friends, only for them to turn around and say they won't be back until the 21st. (They fly back to the UK on the 23rd).
And another thing, is that DF almost entirely ignores DD (2). She's a little bit quieter than DS (4) who is very demanding and attention seeking and DF totally plays along with it. He's made her cry on three occasions already by either ignoring her, walking away when she was about to jump into his arms from a climbing frame (she has a huge bruise on her cheek from that), or shouting at her when she did something a little bit silly (but not at all dangerous). She wants to hero worship him, but is scared of being disappointed/shouted at as well. It breaks my heart.

Anyway, rant over, I needed to get that out of my system so I can try and function like a normal human being again.

If they're flying to the other side of the world, making a holiday of it is fairly natural surely?

At least they're staying with you for a week and a half, even though you won't be there for much of it.

I don't really know what to say about the relationship between him and your 2yr old...it would seem that since you decided to emigrate, they don't know each other that well.

Perhaps sit him down and explain you think he should make more of an effort?

Though if your 4yr old (who I assume he had more time to bond with) is attention seeking, perhaps he's doing his best?

It's always difficult when someone decides to live in another country but I suppose he's doing the best he can to even visit you after 6 months.

oh poor you!
sometimes the expectation of a visit doesnt quite meet up to the reality.....I know - my parents live in the USA and when they visit us here in the UK it seems they don't make the most of their time with their only two grandchildren. I want them to play with them, take them to the park, pick them up from school and nursery (to see it) and generally engage in their day to day life and all that they miss out out on....but in reality they turn up at 3pm and decide to take us out to dinner (several hours later) whcih equals children tired in restaurants, nearly bedtime and a wasted day.....

Could you not say something like 'Oh, we thought you'd be here for a bit longer since you've come all this way as we have a few plans in mind. DD and DS have been looking forward to spending some qulity time with you'
Really just tell them straight in this instance because it's not like you can redo this next month....
With regards the birthday, ask if they would mind changing their plans.....

Not much help...but didn't want your post to go unanswered and to say 'I know how you feel'...

YANBU, but if they had decided to spend much more time with you, you may well be on here with a totally different AIBU.It sounds like he's not exactly the most naturally grandfatherly type, and he'd probably become increasingly grumpy if he spent too much more time with you and your kids.

It's easy to underestimate how difficult a lot of older people find it to slot back into the world of child rearing. My parents (and PILs) used to visit us in the UK from Aus and they would never have spent more than a week or two with us - they too spent the rest of their time tripping about.

The babysitting thing is slack though. And so is the way he is ignoring your DD - have you mentioned it to him? We had to mention a similar scenario to my DF and it turned out he was completely unaware of his behaviour pattern and he's really turned things around since then.

Sorry, but I think YAB a bit U. It's a long way to come, surely you don't expect them to stick around waiting for you to finish work and with the distances involved around here if they have to be back at yours every weekend it's pretty limiting as to how far they will get in their campervan. I always think that it's best to have a conversation about expectations BEFORE visitors arrive, lots of people are tearing their hair out after a couple of weeks when people come to stay and don't go anywhere. BIL and family wanted to come and stay with us for a month (they have a 2 and 4yo - our kids are much older) and made it clear that they were envisaging a month of hanging by the pool and being shown the sights of Sydney while my kids (18 and 13yo boys) "spent time with their cousins". There was no way that was going to end up as anything other than the kind of disaster where we would all probably never speak again so we said no.

The babysitting is shitty though, especially as it's a specific event like a birthday. They shouldn't have offered if they weren't going to see it through.

I know it's a difficult situation, and like you say bubbaluv, if it was the other way round there'd still probably be an AIBU rant.

I guess I'm just disappointed that he's more interested in planning stuff for him and his gf to do than spending time with the grandchildren.

I suggested we go to the beach yesterday with the kids as it was a lovely day, and the kids were in a good mood. He said he didn't want to as he'd been to the beach last week, and they're spending all this week on the Sunshine Coast. And anyway, he needed to go to Aldi.

He then sneered and judged my parenting choices when I put a film on for the kids after they'd been haring around at the park for 2 hours.

I guess I just wanted it to be nice, but it's not at all. He's treating the whole thing like a project - the only time he's struck up a conversation with me it's been about my health from a professional perspective (he's a GP and he keeps asking me what medication I'm on now for MH reasons), DS's problems (he's showing strong signs of ADHD and ASD) or asking me to fix his phone or his laptop so he can plan the next week's jaunts.

His girlfriend is anti-social to the point of almost rudeness, they make a point of eating meals separately (they always dish up at the exact moment we're putting the kids to bed, and then eat it on the front verandah which is only really big enough for two people to sit on, and then spend the next hour out there drinking wine).

Anyway, I guess I'm just upset.

Get used to it. My DM and DF come to see us a lot and always want to do a side trip. They are independent and find DD boring hard. You just have to lower your expectation. I love them dearly but you have to take what you are given

Well tbh, and maybe brutally so, he doesn't sound very clued in with the kids, or keeping his promises to you, so maybe it's all for the best he's not around disappointing them and letting them fall, and playing favourites, and letting you down too with your babysitting arrangements.

Enjoy the limited amount he's able to give, but don't expect too much from him - as I said, he doesn't sound like a very giving man (and I'm being nice).

Sometimes things work out for the best, despite our best intentions. Let him go.

YANBU. Your DF sounds very much like my parents in many ways It is so disappointing when you just want to have a nice time with a parent and they make it clear that their priorities are elsewhere....

It is also possible that the GF finds it hard being around your family and he's trying to meet her needs. (It would make any GF feel insecure to go on a 6-week trip to see DP's kids & grandkids!) If you work on making her more comfortable, your DF may find it easier to spend time with you & the kids.

Mourn the loss of your relationship with him and lower your expectations to protect your sanity, he sounds very self-centered.

I'm sad to say that this reminds me of my parents a bit. I also live in Australia (parents in UK) and they come out once a year, don't stay with us (they stay in Sydney, we live a good hour's drive from the centre of Sydney), and probably spend about 12 days out of a total of 3-4 weeks with us - and those days are spent with either DS and I going into town and doing patently unchild friendly things or having them whinge about how bad the traffic is in Sydney.

When they are with DS who is a lovely, engaging toddler, they are ok with him for about 20 minutes and then get bored and basically ignore him and chat to me - this I can forgive as I feel they will come into their own when he is older.

It's a shame. It's a thing I regret about living out here, that my DS will never have a close relationship with them.

He was born in August 2010 and they didn't even come out until November because "the weather was nice in the UK" and they didn't want to miss summer. This is their first and only grandchild. I still rather hold a small grudge over this.

Well, we're in a neighbouring country to you OP and had DH's parents (who're in a neighbouring country to the UK) come out here for two months over summer and didn't go away anywhere in that time, so a little bit in the other extreme!! To be fair, they were impeccable guests and provided some great baby-sitting, so all good really.

I would be really disappointed with what you describe. Seems like such a waste of the precious amount of time you have with your DF, and he has with his grandkids.

As others have suggested up-thread, I think you really will have to adjust your expectations, simply for your own sake. I hope things pick up for the rest of the trip, though. :)

I sympathies completely. My DF flew over from malaysia when DS was born and stayed for 3 nights before flying back. And then came for his birthday and stayed for 36hours before leaving! It's a long way to fly and I wish he would stay longer but he chooses to return to work an his social life rather than spend time here, and that's his choice! Yanbu to be upset about it, it always feels a bit like rejection to me when my dad leaves so soon. But nothing you can do unfortunately!

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It was your choice to emigrate, you've only been out for 6 months and they've already visited. It's quite natural to want to make a proper holiday out of flying to the other side of the world. It was unreasonable on your DF's part to agree to babysit certain dates and then go back on that though.

How long has he been with the gf?

I don't think YABU to want your dad to spend more time with you and to say well you moved out there deal with it is being a bit harsh, where ever you live you want to think your parents want to spend time with you!

We live in the UK and DH's family are from a country near here. When they come to visit it's such a faff about - the MIL likes to go to Westfield and the FIL likes to watch his sports so we have to try to arrange the visit around these things. I wouldn't mind so much but they only come for 2 nights every few months. The next faff is MIL wants to stay somewhere else as she's sick of staying near where we live... (and here I was thinking their visits over were to see DD....)