AIBU about this friend of DP's?

[ButterPopcorn]

Ok, quite a lot of background needed here, and it's all a bit petty really- sorry!

DP and I were friendly with a couple. DP worked with the man in the past and they stayed friends. We went for drinks etc, went camping once. The couple split up about 2 years ago, we stayed friends with the man rather than the woman as he was DP's original friend, although I do say hello and quick chat if I see her around.

About 10 months ago the man started seeing someone new. The first time I met her I was with my mum, sis and SIL going to the theatre- we'd gone for a drink before and DP was out with this guy and new girlfriend so they popped in to where we were to say hi. Second time I met her we were out in a group of about 8 couples and singles going to a gig, chatted to her a little, she seemed nice etc. Third time I met her was again a concert but there was a much bigger group of us going along this time- including DP's mum, some people from my work and various friends (was a big concert). I spent most of the night mingling back and forth between different people.

Towards the end of the night, the guy came over and started having a bit of a go at me. He was saying "why haven't you got to know new gf? you haven't made any effort with her..." etc. His final line was "to be honest butter, you've been a bit of a DICK towards her" a bit aggresively. Now we'd all had a drink and I was a little taken aback and felt bad and my immediate reaction was "oh, sorry, I'll go and have a chat with her now", which I did but it was a bit forced iyswim.

As I thought about it more it started to bother me more and more and I got a bit upset in the taxi on the way home with DP.

The next morning the guy texted DP (he does have my number but has never texted/phoned me about it) and said "great night last night mate, hope I didn't upset butter though!". DP asked me what to reply so I just said to say "glad you had a good night!". I didn't want him to put "yeah, you did upset her" as it seemed petty and unnecessary but didn't want him to say "don't worry about it, it's fine" as it wasn't really fine.

Anyway, this was about 6 months ago and since then I've seen him twice at group events. I've always made polite but brief conversation, as has he. We've never mentioned what was said. I haven't seen the gf, not through any conscious effort, our paths just haven't crossed.

The AIBU comes now- a group of us are invited to a mutual friend's birthday in another city. DP and I are going and my sister is coming with us. DP's brother lives in the city we are going to but is away at the time of the party. He has offered us to stay at his house though, even though he will not be there.

DP has just informed me that he's invited this couple to stay at his brother's place too! AIBU to feel uncomfortable with that? I have been happy enough making polite conversation in group settings but don't really want to spend a whole weekend with them, and sleepover with them e.g. seeing them in the morning in my pyjamas! Am I being totally pathetic and need to get a grip? I feel that way now because when I mentioned it to DP he said "oh ok, I'll just tell them they can't stay as you won't feel comfortable" which obviously I don't want him to say!

AIBU and what shall I do?!

Two things:

Do you think you were a dick?

What exactly did you want DP to say to reject them?

I would be peeved that DP hadn't checked with you before making the offer, no matter who it was or how you got on.
I would let him tell them it's not ok for them to stay, but get him to say that he should have checked first too. The truth is, you aren't comfortable, and your DPs mate was an arse, so if worst comes to worst, let DP say that. At the very least DPs mate owes you an apology - he can't make you like or be friends with his gf, and as long as you weren't being openly rude to her, he should have kept his mouth shut. Not staying for free at your BiLs house is the price he now pays so to speak. Don't be ashamed or upset by this, it's not your fault. He was the arse.

YANBU to feel uncomfortable about it, but your DP has invited them now so can't uninvite them without being unspeakably rude.

I think what you need to do is put all the prior behaviour in the past. Your DP's friend sounds like he was being rather rude and prissy, but that may have been the drink talking, and his text to your DP may have been a blokey, roundabout apology. Why not put it behind you and enjoy your weekend away, and spend the time getting to know the girlfriend who you barely know at this point anyway.

You're well within your rights to feel uncomfortable and say so. If you don't want them to stay with you then say so, no need to feel guilty.

Rubbish, of course he can uninvite them. He will look a bit of a prat, but it's not like they're now committed to having these people stay. DP needs to put his partner first and consider her, not the friend who was rude to her.
Would you rather the OP was miserable and had her weekend ruined because her DP wouldn't tell these people that actually, he made a mistake, and it won't be possible for them to stay?

I think this is the perfect opportunity to put this behind you.

Obviosuly your DPs friend was feeling a bit sad for his new gf, that she wasn't fitting into the group like his previous gf did, and that because you and previous gf had been friends he was hoping for the same.

He dealt with it badly, but I think he realised that, hence the text.

Look at this as a chance to get to know her. You never know, you might hit it off!

I think you/your DP should have addressed the issue the next day when the man broached the subject.

I don't know what I want DP to say now that he's already invited them, I mean that's what's making me feel like a baby over the whole thing. I just never imagined that he would have invited them to stay in the first place- I can just picture them chatting about the party etc and DP would have said "oh, we're staying and DBro's, you're welcome to too!" as he's just a nice guy

As for whether I was being a dick, I really don't think I was. That's why I put that contextual information in about the times I had met her- as I say, the first time was a really quick "oh hello, lovely to meet you!" and the other 2 times were in big groups where I probably chats to her for 5-10 mins 2 or 3 separate times at each event as I moved around the group.

The thing is, she seemed really nice, confident and chatty, not like someone who would need a bf to fight her battles. I don't think it came from her, I think he was probably quite anxious for the four of us to become friends as we'd been friends with his previous gf. That anxiety obviously just ran a bit high that night. I'm sure I was suitably friendly to her, but even if I hadn't, is calling me a dick the right way to go about it?!

I think you should stop over analysing everything and just go with the flow. It will be fine. So what if she/they are not bosom buddies of yours? You'll have a drink and a laugh.
Worry about something worth worrying about - child poverty or petrol or whatever. But not this.

That's not what I said at all. It is incredibly rude to uninvite people, and the OP has said that she doesn't know the girlfriend and that her DP's friend had been an arse. These things can be got over, and life is much easier if one does get over these things and move on. Her DP will remain friends with the chap, and if the OP gets over it life is easier for both her and her DP.

Whilst the OP isn't U to feel uncomfortable about it, it's a bit unnecessary to get all bent out of shape about it - surely there can be a way to smooth things over - maybe by talking to her DP's friend before they go.

I've learned that life is much easier if you let things slide and get on with enjoying yourself rather than obsessing over everything that has happened in the past (that most others have forgotten about anyway).

X-post just about everyone- I started typing that response when I'd only seen TidyDancer's reply. Thanks for all your replies. I suppose with hindsight the best thing would have been to sort it on that first morning when he sent that blokey text.

Id do what someone upthread suggested I think and just go with the flow, you'll quite possibly hit it off.

Oh I'm not saying that he should've called you a dick, just that if you had behaved badly and then been the one pushing him and the girlfriend away, now would be the time to suck it up and make nice.

From what you've said, that's not how it happened, and you could be right that the friend was just overly concerned with his GF fitting in.

I don't know whether I'd want the weekend thing to go ahead if I were you, but I think it's probably time to let go of what happened. We all say things we regret, he probably regrets saying that to you.

"and has his brother OKed other people staying at his house, or has your DP extended the invitation without checking with his DB."

This

yeah, I know deep down I should dust myself off, grit my teeth and get on with it, and put a silly comment behind me. I'm sure it would've just done that naturally over time anyway, this weekend away thing has just pushed it forwards a bit.

And crazyday- yep, I know- my wallet's also too big for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight if this is all I've got to worry about

Perhaps he feels you haven't made enough of an effort to get to know her? Did you and his ex meet up alone/chat on the phone? Maybe he expected his new gf to jump straight into tgat role?

I don't think DP has explicitly checked with his Dbro about others staying but know he will be fine with it.

No, I didn't meet up with the previous gf alone, chat on phone or do anything really without the men there. She is actually getting married in May (I know through Facebook), not that that has anything to do with this. And yes, I am friends with the new gf on Facebook too.

I don't think he has any right to expect you to make a lot of effort to bond with his new gf - she's his choice, not yours. You were polite and friendly and that's good enough. Friendships evolve over time and cannot be forced.

If this was me, I would ring his friend and ask to meet him for a coffee (just him) and iron out the bad feeling between you. You should be honest and say that he was rude and arsey and hurt your feelings and that he has no entitlement to anything from you regarding his new partners. However, you do genuinely like her and hope that friendship does develop. I think if you don't clear the air, this will eat at you.

If I'm honest, I think your husband was disloyal to you in allowing his friend to be rude and not calling him on it and if I was you I'd be mad as hell at my husband. While you are having frank discussions, it wouldn't hurt to have one with him too - something along the line of putting his knackers in a vice if he stands back and allows his friend to be so disrespectful to you again!

Then I would move on and try to have a good weekend if the friend doesn't bottle it and pull out.

I'm with Karmabeliever..

Thanks karmabeliever, I like your post

I'm probably too much of a wuss to actually sit down with this guy and tell it like it is like that, wish I could though. I'd be too scared it'll make things worse or turn into a conflict. More likely to just seethe silently ha ha and then eventually get over it. As I say, this weekend away business has just made the "putting behind" part move a bit quicker than I'd have wanted.

Wow, karmabeliever - extreme....!

I honestly don't think what the OP describes warrants in any way that sort of reaction.

OP - your DP's friend was a self-absorbed dick in his response to you. As if you life revolves around his GF. It doesn't. You know that, and presumably he knows that, hence his text the next day.

So - no reason to hold a grudge, least of all against the girlfriend who is probably the oblivious party in all this. Certainly no need to be putting knackers in vices over it all..!

The GF hasn't done anything wrong, and not wanting them to stay is just a roundabout way of punishing the bloke. As others have said, this is a great chance to prove that you weren't in any way trying not to get to know the GF and to put it all behind you.

It's not worth falling out with people and making petty points over. If you felt this strongly you should have dealt with it when the text came through, instead of in this rather passive aggssive way. Not meant meanly - I hope you can see that. :)

No one is holding a grudge against the gf - this is about the friend being an arse.