to not know when a row becomes emotional abuse?

[NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat]

Ok so dp is a heavy drinker. I used to be but now im more a couple of pints and im pissed kinda girl. Every time we both drink we have a monumental argument. The kind of row that you'd expect to see on eastenders type of Affair. Today is one such day. The rows always centre around the same thing. From his side im a lazy cow who needs to do more round the house. From my side i do everything round the house run the kids round and work full time. I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis in my spine.

From my side dp appears to be expecting me to be a full time housewife as well as working full time and being sole carer of the kids. From his side he sees the fact he does the washing up as him doing everything round the house.

When sober we're fine. But his true feelings come out after he's had a few pints and in all honesty it scares me and upsets me he feels i do so little to contribute to the house.

I should have put this in relationships shouldn't i?!

I know it's an obvious question, but why are you both drinking so much if its causing you both so much stress?

Even cutting down sounds as though it might benefit you. Is it routine drinking or does something trigger it?

And why are you with this man? Sounds like a terrible relationship and what a horrible environment for the kids. Tell him to go to AA or leave!

You have made it sound a bit one sided but admitted it's when you've both had a drink, could your behaviour contribute in any way?

If you're rowing then you're both guilty of emotional abuse. Do you do this in front of your kids? Your partner and/or just you need to address this because you talk about 'every time you both drink' as if it's a regular thing and perhaps it is.

Sorry, but drunken adults really annoy me. Get some professional help.

Sorry you're feeling bad...are you both drinking with the kids around though?

I'd suggest, when you're both sober, that you describe how this makes you feel about your relationship and that you need a third party to help you talk through these problems or you'll have to seriously consider what the relationship is giving you and if you'd be better off without it.
I honestly think Relate is the way to go here.
You feel like you have no respect and there's no partnership and it sounds like he feels the same.
I can't tell you what emotional abuse is, but the woman's aid website will help you define it.

The drinking is effecting you both.

But he should be doing alot More than the washing up

Well can't you not have the couple of pints so that you can steer away from arguments before they get properly started.

He can only argue if you are there to argue with. And pointless telling him what you think of him when he is drunk.

Sounds like he is feeling guilty for something and taking it out on you. Not sure if true feelings come out when drunk, it's more extreme feelings come out.

I'm not saying this is reasonable, but does he feel like he's lost his drinking buddy because you've calmed your drinking down?
Did he come from a very traditional background with a sahm that did everything?
Does he have outside stress (eg work) that he is taking out on you?
None of this is reasonable behaviour, but if he's not very self aware it may take a third party to point this out.

I do feel very very sad for you that the one who's supposed to love you the most doesn't respect your health issues or your contribution to the family, but that's no help is it? So, if you want to save this relationship, I suggest counselling.
Was it good in the old days or were you both too drunk to notice what each other was really like?

He's being an ass, why does he except you to do all of that, and with your health issues on top of it? He should be helping you, not getting drunk and mean.
It becomes abuse I think, when it beats the person down, makes them feel afraid or frustrated, humiliated or guilty. And is a regular part of being around them.

The first thing that you need to do is admit that alcohol is having a huge and significant detrimental effect on your relationship and the well being of your children.

Where are they when these rows are happening ? Where are they when you are both picking up the pieces of the rows for days afterwards?

I think you both need to make a pledge to stop drinking and then seek some relationship counselling. I wouldn't go so far as to label anyone as being the victims of emotional abuse at this stage - apart from your children.

Thank you all for your views. My drinking days were curbed well before i met dp but were never at problematic levels and i probably drink a couple of pints every few months hence having a low tolerance for it!

I should clarify that i never ever drink around the kids but on the same token i don't see why i should abstain completely on the off chance dp decides to start a row. When im sober i can ignore it but after a couple of drinks i Will defend myself.

I always come off worst though. Everything is always my fault or the fault of my shit health. He never takes personal responsibility. The arse end of it all is we work so bloody
perfectly sober!

I should say in response to the pp that he has come from a traditional sahm background and his mother does somewhat cloud his view on my abilities around the house...

It's so easy for posters to say he/you should be laying off the booze, but if you could have you would have by now.

Have you tried not rising to his bait, again, easier said than done, but it'd make it more difficult for a row to brew.

Unless he's the type who can have an argument all on his own?

If I see something coming and DHs voice rising I keep mine normal talking volume. You certainly feel better afterwards for staying in control and not saying shit you perhaps don't mean and wouldn't say any other time.

No offence, but is working perfectly really you doing it all whilst in ill health and living with the knowledge that he thinks you're making a shit job of it?
There is a lot better than that-sharing the load, being supported in your time of sickness(however long it lasts), having your efforts appreciated and working as a team.

How is it that when you're sober you can ignore it (his jibes about what a shit housewife you are, I'm assuming) yet at the same time you magically have a perfect relationship when sober? Or do you just mean you're more of a doormat or a peacekeeper when sober but when you've had a few you tend to stand up for yourself more?

Doesn't sound like a great relationship to me, sorry. Maybe before you go to Relate, you should look more closely at yourself and why you seem to be ok with being insulted and taken for granted.