To think my kids are actually spoilt and I need to change that?

[ChickenSkin]

I'm a single parent to two boys aged 11 and 13. Their father pays minimum maintenance (£140 a month for both, tell me how far that goes!) and I pay for everything else including all school trips, all uniforms, all clothes, days out, holidays etc - everything. I allow them to go on whatever school trips comes up (currently youngest is going on a short residential costing me £160 and eldest is going abroad costing £380). I take them on holiday every year (they've been everywhere from the Med to the USA). Whenever they ask for new clothes, I buy them. I've just bought my son a pair of nike astro trainers for PE because he lost on of his current pe trainers (that he's had 2 months max). What I'm trying to say is, they do not "go without" just because they're from a single parent family (and I'm not saying that most kids of single parent familes do go without, I'm just saying that despite how hard it is, they don't suffer).

Anyway, they go to their dad's house every other weekend - and on that weekend they're sat in front of the xbox. They never actually go anywhere or do anything. On the weekends they're with me I developed this "habit" of taking them out as if it's "my access weekend", despite the fact they're with me 95% of the time anyway. This would include cinema trips, restaurants, days out to the sea-side - whatever I do usually costs me around £30 a fortnight.

What is now pissing me off is the sense of entitlement they've developed.

"Mum, what are we doing at the weekend? cinema? hmff boring! oh god, carvery AGAIN?? ohhh I HATE that seaside place --- " you get the picture.
This weekend I didn't plan anything as I have them off school for the full two weeks and I needed to save money. So eldest decided to start a one man war against me, demanding a takeaway to make up for not doing anything on the "treat" weekend, saying I'm "tight", saying that he'd just go and order one for himself since I'm "Being boring" etc - I am really, really annoyed.
I had plans to take them out to Frankie And Benny's next week but I'm thinking of scrapping it.

What kids their age get to go out to the cinema and restaurants etc as well as holidays and stuff as often as these two do? considering I'm only earning £20k a year. Yes I know the income could be less but ffs, life aint cheap in Britain is it??!

AIBU to just knock this "fortnightly weekend treat" thing on the head and instead change to a policy that I might randomly decide to take them out on the odd weekend that they're with me? However, nothing is set in stone?

They also get weekly £5 pocket money each off me btw.

I want rid of this entitlement they have developed.

Don't beat your self up over it, I have two the same and I'm still married to the father. It's not because you are a single parént. What mine complain about is being dragged out for lunch "every weekend", so I've started to do more weekend meals at home although the last few have been treats. They now apreciate this more since I developed my No Voice. Maybe you need to working that, kind of This Is The Way It's Going To Be Because I Am The Parént Here.

I don't think they're spoiled, I think they're children. They have no sense of the value of things. They just get used to stuff.(as someone, said they have certain expectations- even adults are like this when they get used to a certain salary of lifestyle).

You need to start thinking about your time together differently. Being with you is a 'treat' in itself. You don't have to do fancy things.

Try some silly, stupid (cheap) stuff you've never done yourself.

For example a 'Film night' doesn't have to be in an expensive cinema, you can just make popcorn and special tickets and have a silly night at home. Just start re-framing stuff.

(Do I sound like a self help parenting book? Sorry of I do.)

Errr I do think they're spoilt-big time.It's not just the money,it's the treats.Can't kids entertain themselves?Why do they need non stop entertainment and treats?

Sorry I don't know any kids who have that kind of lifestyle even those with far wealthier parents than us.

I think the things you do are fairly normal & they have just got used to it.

However, DS1 sounds like he has an attitude that needs knocking on the head! Words would have been had. Stop all treats until he apologises then talk to him about the fact that money doesn't grow on trees!!

... & how do you afford it all on £20k???

Hmm - we're on three times that and literally haven't got a pot to piss in at the moment.

Prob just their age - young teenagers seem to have 'ungrateful/expectant' as the default option, a lot of the time.

Are you not seriously in debt to fund all that?

How about forming a list of cheap / free things that you can enjoy doing together? Like going to the beach / forest / other nice place, or doing something creative at home? Or setting them the challenge of giving them, say, £5 to spend on food in a supermarket that they'd use to cook for all of you - that's teach them money skills and give them a sense of accomplishment at having done something for you. And get them to do something for charity every so often...That's probably what I'd do to balance the treats(Thse might be terrible ideas...I don't know what your dc are like!)

How she "affords" it, is neither here nor there. The OP is unhappy about endeavouring to give her DC a nice life in terms of material things/activities and feeling taken for granted, unappreciated and that her DC's have become spoiled and wondering how she can turn the situation around.

I don't think a trip out/treat every other weekend (remember, the father doesn't take them anywhere on access weekends) being allowed to go on school trips and an annual family holiday is OTT and/or will necessarily lead to spoilt DC (it ws standard for my DC and for most of those I know) but the OP's older DC in particular, needs reigning in.

I don't think treats should stop. I think there could be more creativity and free/low cost days out/in....as has been suggested upthread.

wish I could afford to "spoil" mine like that . i earn more than 20K - today we bought £10 worth of plants at the garden centre and spent half an hour looking at the fish in the aquarium bit. Then DS played out in the garden.
Other weekends we feed the ducks, go to the park, rent a DVD.
We get takeaway once a month, and that's only a very recent thing, never used to be able to afford it at all. OP. how do you do it?

I think they are feeling entitled because its a part of their routine of getting , IMO things and stuff doesnt spoil children its when they start getting an attitude about it then its spoiling them , I have a familiy memeber who is a bit like you , didnt want her children to be left out because she was a single parent , and tbh they are now a bit older than yours but really out of control and spoiled to the fact mum can now so nothing right for them , so she keeps trying , her teens are out of control , Dont get like that im not sure if you should stop the days out maybe for a few weeks dont do anything let them be bored for a while ,

Our DC do not go to the cinema twice a month, eat out every month, or specifically have £30 per month spent on treat type outings. They are 17 and 13 now and certainly didn't get that at 11 and 13. They have never been to the USA. We have holidays in France, and the dc are allowed to go on one educational school trip each year and one fun school trip or similar. They do not get clothes when they ask for them. In fact dd has a pair of school shoes, pair of trainers, pair of flip flops and pair of boots - all of which are on their last legs. Today the vans in Office were not available in her size and given the run of the shop she wasn't fussed and asked if she could chose a book.

We are fairly wealthy and don't expect our dc to be forever wanting something. I'm shocked at what yours not only have relative to your income but at what they expect. Ours might say, would it be OK if I had ....... - I'm always quite touched that they are thrilled if I say yes but perhaps that's because we have conversations about whether things are needed and when ds went through a phase of losing coats and trainers they were replaced at Asda and TK Max!

We live in a cheap area, our rent is only £420 a month and that's for a 3 bed semi. I have no debts so not much outgoings either. My biggest outgoing is keeping the car going to be honest.

The thing is, with the cheap days out (park, museums etc) DS1 refuses to come saying it's boring and childish :(

tbh at 13 i would be encouraging him to start 'earning' his pocket money. i dont mean send him out to work. i mean he cold be doing extra things in his spare time to earn a bit of pocket money. things like helping neighbours with gardening, or doing errands, doing things for you that you have been putting off, helping his grandparents out with jobs etc. offering to wash neighbours' cars, or look after gunieapigs while people go on holiday. i think it wold help him to learn just how much work it takes to earn enough for a takeaway or a cinema trip. he might appreciate you a hell of a lot more then.

Well, at 13 they do start to think the park and museum is boring. That's normal. Have you tried bowling, quad biking, if they must have treats. At that age, fortunately our ds was so focussed on sport that he wasn't terribly bothered about anything else.

with regards your son wanting to buy his own take away - let him! he will soon learn the value of money and how far it actually stretches. And let him do it the following weekend and weekend after that........

I think you could stop the treats a bit - they are old enough to entertain themselves and dont you want some down time?

Stop trying to entertain them - you dont need to.

Bike rides are free, let them play on their xbox...

You sound like a fabulous mum. I reckon something that might prick their social conscience a bit but be interesting at the same time is in order. Like the soup run mentioned above. You could all go out at night with one of the charities. It might open their eyes a little bit. But maybe a couple of weeks of not doing the customary treats would make them appreciate them more.

at that age things can become boring for them dd1 spent most of her early teens huffing and puffing everything was bored I think its normal for them to go through that , I do think you sound a fab mum too , you are recognising that they may be getting spoiled or entitled and want to change , Im sure a lot of teens behave like that sometimes , what about going and doing something better once a month rather than every fortnight , and go out for a free or cheaper day instead , i know he thinks its dull but i dont think compensating will help him iyswim ,

I think I would get them into some sort of sport, their father could take them on his weekend too and it'll stop them spending far too much time on the xbox and melting his brain cells.