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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

i abu but still annoyed with dh

19 replies

princessofpersians · 01/04/2012 15:49

i saw some texts on dh mobile between him and his young female colleague and I'm angry. they were innocent but pointless and so i think flirty ...but I'm pregnant and feeling huge and unloved so dh is in my bad books. aibu to expect him to understand where I'm coming from? bloody hormones

OP posts:

jemsgem · 01/04/2012 16:24

you sound very muddled

do you really think you can dictate who he texts with innocent but pointless (in your opinion) texts?

maybe your texts to your mates are pointless, should he be able to throw a strop about that

Flisspaps · 01/04/2012 16:26

So...you've found texts on your DH's phone that he's sent to a colleague. They're innocent but you think they're flirty. You're pregnant, and you feel huge and unloved.

DH doesn't understand why you're cross.

Is that right?

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 01/04/2012 16:28

Pointless texts between mates are not the same as pointless texts between a married man & a young female colleague

Any man, with half a brain, would know this is a stupid thing to do. Both professionally and from a 'married man' perspective.

Don't let the fact you are pregnant and hormonal make you take this on as 'being silly'.

YANBU in expecting him to understand where you are coming from and in expecting him to have had more sense.

catsareevil · 01/04/2012 16:31

Because there could never be any innocent relationship between a young female and an older colleague .

Better watch myself at work then. There are a few older males about.

ShellyBoobs · 01/04/2012 16:31

I suppose OP's DH shouldn't speak to the colleague then, either, Chipping?

ThisIsANickname · 01/04/2012 16:35

I think it would be difficult to tell whether or not you are being unreasonable or not unless we knew the content of the texts, tbh. (Not that I advocate you posting his texts, but that it's hard to judge how inappropriate he was being without context).

Why are you feeling unloved? That seems a much bigger problem at the moment than texts.

Flisspaps · 01/04/2012 16:38

Chipping Why can't a married man be friends with a young female colleague?

DH is a married man, he texts his female colleagues, some of whom are younger than him. I'm also heavily pregnant, and am feel huge. I don't see the problem. I'd think it ridiculous that he felt unable to innocently text or tweet someone from work about anything, just because he was married or they were female.

OP - how did you see the texts? I ask because if you were 'snooping' on his phone (such a horrible word) then there must already be suspicion about his behaviour, in which case there's more to this than you've put in the OP. If it was just by chance, and he knew you'd see the content of his phone, then surely it would be incredibly stupid of him to leave these texts there and open himself up to questioning?

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 01/04/2012 16:38

... and of course, no older married man has had an affair with his younger female colleague when his wife has been pregnant/is in the first few months of baby 'fug'. I just don't think it's sensible to engage in out of office banter in that situation.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 01/04/2012 16:41

Even if there isn't anything in it, why upset your pregnant wife over someone who should be relatively unimportant to you? She's pregnant, feeling huge & unloved - why make it worse?

catsareevil · 01/04/2012 16:43

"and of course, no older married man has had an affair with his younger female colleague when his wife has been pregnant/is in the first few months of baby 'fug'. I just don't think it's sensible to engage in out of office banter in that situation."

So all married men should avoid communicating with female colleagues just in case they end up falling into bed with them? And the female colleagues are just waiting for this to happen?

Flisspaps · 01/04/2012 16:46

Chipping What, and no married man has had an affair with a same age or older female colleague, or a male colleague, or a neighbour, or a friend...why not put a ban on expectant or new fathers communicating with anyone outside his family unless it is absolutely necessary, just in case he runs off with them?

I don't think it's sensible to expect men to behave like an uncontrollable sex pest who clearly cannot be trusted to have a platonic relationship with anyone young and female just because his wife is pregnant or has recently had a baby.

fedupofnamechanging · 01/04/2012 16:48

If the tone is flirty and there is no real reason for the OP's dh to be communicating with his colleague, then I can see why she is unhappy.

I think that when you are married/in a committed relationship, you shouldn't be flirting with other people. Even if there is no intent fo rit to go further, it's just not appropriate. I'm sure many an affair has begun with a bit of 'harmless' flirtation that neither side intended to take further, when it began.

catsareevil · 01/04/2012 16:51

But were they flirty? The OP says that they were 'pointless and so I think flirty'. I'm not sure that pointless always = flirty.

RabidEchidna · 01/04/2012 17:07

Bloody hell so men can not talk to women if they have a wife, especially a pregnant one

Sad world really

HolyCalamityJane · 01/04/2012 17:22

I wouldn't be happy if my DH was sending texts to his younger female colleagues I would find that very unprofessional is your DH in a senior position? Just my opinion though if he had always been like this chatty, friendly etc then I might think nothing of it but if it is a new thing then I would wonder what the hell is going on?

Original poster

princessofpersians · 01/04/2012 19:16

as my title says i know iabu as they were just pointless and innocent texts. i wasn't snooping on his phone at all and he knew i was on his phone which adds to the innocence i think. the issue is i got mildly upset because he's chatting to young slim care free females whilst I'm at home with a huge pregnant belly. like i said its my hormones I'm sure as I'm never normally this insecure. it jjust would have been nice if he would understand why i felt betrayed.

OP posts:

piratecat · 01/04/2012 19:21

can't comment if we don't know what was said.

sounds a bit childish on his part tbh.

ShellyBoobs · 01/04/2012 23:05

sounds a bit childish on his part tbh.

FFS. In what way does it sound "childish on his part"?

OP has said the texts were pointless and innocent; probably like the vast majority of texts a lot of people send to a lot of other people!

HalfPastWine · 01/04/2012 23:21

Some older guys feel flattered by the banter with younger females. Sometimes harmless, sometimes not. I think it also depends on the type of relationship they have too. I know that with my male work colleagues we say what we have to say in work, rarely exchange any text banter. We might forward jokes but don't enter into conversations outside work. We're just not that close.

Flip