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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are WE being unreasonable, or is she?

52 replies

EvilTwins · 01/04/2012 12:39

Bit of background... My extended family has got into the habit of celebrating big birthdays by having a family weekend away. We've been doing it for just over 10 years - first one was for Uncle's 60th. They happen about once every 2 years. Last one was joint Uncle's 70th and Dad's 65th and was at Center Parcs, though in the past we've done hotels. Coming up is Auntie's 70th and Mum's 65th, for which we've booked a large self-catering house. There are 4 cousins (inc me) - 3 of us have 2 DCs each, aged between 3 and 10 yrs, and the 4th is married but they made a concious choice not to have any DCs (he has 2 from a previous marriage but they're in their 20s and choose not to come) The childless couple have dogs, and the oldest DC is very allergic to them. When the weekend away was first discussed, the isue of the dogs came up, and my cousin knew that she would not be able to bring the dogs to stay in the same house as the allergic DC. Alternatives were discussed (inc she and her DH and the dogs staying elsewhere and joining us for party etc) and rejected. However now she is saying that she and her DH should not be expected to pay as much as everyone else for the accommodation as they have to pay extra for kennels for the dogs. They've known about the break since October (it's in May) and we have to pay for it v soon. The objections have only been raised in the last couple of weeks. My sis and other cousin are really cross about it as she's making it a "dogs vs children" issue and is being quite unpleasant about it. We've said no - we're not paying more - on the grounds that she agreed to it in October and is only objecting now. She's saying she's not paying the same as everyone else and that's her final word.

Who is BU?

OP posts:

1950sHousewife · 01/04/2012 13:01

She's being a tad unreasonable.
But for the sake of a nice weekend away I would smile and offer to buy a couple of bottles of wine extra or pay for one of their meals out as 'compensation'. I couldn't work out if your DC is the allergic one, but this is certainly what I would do if it was my DC (who is horribly allergic to animals) as a gesture of recognition that their dogs can't be there as well.

catsareevil · 01/04/2012 13:01

I hadnt realised that.
If it is 'no pets' then I agree that they should pay. She doesnt really have any choice does she? If other people dont chip in then she either pays for the kennels or doesnt go, but that doesnt really make much difference to anyone else.

NarkedPuffin · 01/04/2012 13:01

Stipid, like stupid but in an funny accent.

ArtexMonkey · 01/04/2012 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ragged · 01/04/2012 13:02

What DizzyK said.
Crikey, are they really hard up for money? Does kennel cost a lot more than accommodation costs for the children? Does the holiday house you've chosen even allow dogs, don't people normally pay extra for that? Or would they leave dogs in their car overnight? How much of discount do they want, is it like £20 per dog or more like £100 each?

perceptionreality · 01/04/2012 13:03

Just say no and stand your ground OP.

Original poster

EvilTwins · 01/04/2012 13:04

Narked - oh yes, she does know. She has asked repeatedly, even going as far as to ask how we'll be splitting food costs for the house, to make sure that she's not paying more than her "fair share" towards milk...

It's got us all quite riled as it's got very petty. DH and I live furthest away and therefore getting there will cost us more in petrol, but we're not making a fuss about that!

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 01/04/2012 13:04

I agree, the cost of the dogs is comparable to the cost of the children. If you were splitting the cost of the DCs, you should split the cost of the dogs. Since you aren't, they should pay for their dogs. The couple shouldn't be expected to contribute towards any food or activities for the children though.

ragged · 01/04/2012 13:04

ooh, X post. So they can't bring the dogs to this venue anyway!

YaOldHoe · 01/04/2012 13:05

YANBU. It's their choice to have dogs, it is nobody else's job to pay for them. There's no way you would ask a childless couple to sub your childcare bill so why should they expect a dogless couple to pay for their dog?

There are alternatives which they have chosen not to do.

As an aside though, my DH and I would be in trouble if landmark birthdays involved a weekend away every time with 2 DCs. We're both from big families.

1950sHousewife · 01/04/2012 13:07

They can't bring the dogs anyway?

WTF!! Definitely don't pay for them then. And make sure you have a fully functioning 'milkometer' to ensure that they are able to pay for exactly what they are drinking to the nearest penny. Sheesh - they sound like real joy-suckers.

NarkedPuffin · 01/04/2012 13:08

Maybe she doesn't really want to go without her dogs and is pissed off that she has to.

Is there another couple who could go instead?

ABigGirlDoneItAndRanAway · 01/04/2012 13:09

She is being totally unreasonable, it's their choice to have dogs so they can either put them in a kennel or not come and arrange their own dog friendly holiday.

Arion · 01/04/2012 13:14

You could always add the cost of the dogs' accommodation to the total cost of the cottage and then split the total evenly between the number of adults, that way factors in the dogs and the children! I'm sure she'll not like that as it will probably cost a lot more for her!

pixiestix · 01/04/2012 13:16

I think she IBU if it was agreed back in October. She has had plenty of time to voice her concerns.

Heswall · 01/04/2012 13:18

And this is why i would never again celebrate with family, they such all the enjoyment out before you've even started.

Heswall · 01/04/2012 13:18

*SUcK

AutumnSummers · 01/04/2012 13:21

She is definately BU but all of this fussing iver little things like paying for milk suggest to me that she could have fallen on tough times finanially. That, or she's tighter than spandex.

LittleFiendSusan · 01/04/2012 13:23

YANBU
What happens behind the scenes in other peoples lives,in order for them to participate in get togethers like these, is an individual thing and the responsibility of that person/couple.
Good Luck and I hope it all pans out!

TheSecondComing · 01/04/2012 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 01/04/2012 13:25

I don't think they've got a leg to stand on if the accommodation is 'no pets' and they knew this from the beginning. If they're hard up, they've had time to save up for the kennels. They can't even argue that they're unable to bring the dogs because of the child with allergies (in which case, if I were the parent of the child, I might have offered to pay a share or treat them to dinner or something to acknowledge them making a concession).

Unfortunately I don't have anything helpful to suggest re how to sort it out, apart from saying 'You were never going to be able to bring the dogs anyway, and you've had time to work out how to arrange and budget for that; why are you springing this on everyone else now?'

samandi · 01/04/2012 13:58

They are. The dogs are their responsibility and it's a perfectly reasonable request for them to not bring them.

PosiePumblechook · 01/04/2012 14:09

Given your last posts, your in a lose/lose aren't you?

She's already ruining the holiday! Did she want children really?

Original poster

EvilTwins · 01/04/2012 14:30

Posie- we think that might be the crux of it really. She wanted kids but his were already in their late teens when they married and he didn't want any more. I feel sad for her. It's hard to bring it up without causing resentment though. My Auntie (her mum) says she treats the dogs like they are her babies.

OP posts:

MerylStrop · 01/04/2012 14:30

I have 3 kids. And I don't like dogs particularly.

I think she might be being a bit unreasonable, but I think you might be too, just a little.

When the decision was taken to book the house and therefore that she couldn't bring her dogs, it would have been considerate to suggest splitting the costs of the kennels across everyone going. You know - not because you have to - but to be nice to your family. Staying somewhere else would have excluded her massively, and leaving dogs for any length of time in a rented house sounds like a non-starter.

We also go away with gangs of friends pretty regularly, and I'm more than aware that the childless amongst us have had to compromise in small way a bit on letting the people with the newborn have the quietest room, or doing kid stuff, or end up paying more than their fare share (for milk etc) or whatever. She's put up with everyone else's DC on all the other trips.

Actually, yeah, I think you are being tight and should split costs and with good grace. Let it go, and have a nice trip.

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