Would I be unreasonable to have a discreet word with DP's dad?

[FeedZombieEatSmartie]

It was our sons first birthday on Tuesday. He is the first grandchild to both mine and DP's parents. Thing is, DP hasn't heard from his dad at all this month. He lives in the same town as us so you can't blame it on distance.

Although he tries to hide it, I know DP is upset that his dad had forgotten DP's birthday. He did mention it last time they spoke, about how we weren't doing anything extravagant, just a mini tea party at ours.

He is a bit somewhat...uninterested in DS. He was very supportive during the pregnancy, would invite us over regularly, offer to help with things we might need for the house as well as baby. Then as soon as DS arrived, it seemed like he had lost all interest

I'm not saying I expected anything from him for DS' birthday but a courtesy phonecall would have been nice. Especially for DP who feels his dad never makes an effort.

We bumped into his dads OH in the supermarket yesterday. I was tempted to make a remark about how fab DS' birthday was after she asked how we were but it's not her fault her partner is so slack with his son and grandson. DP's brothers have, throughout my sons short life, mentioned to their dad about his lack of effort with DP and DS but it hasn't made any difference.

I'm not saying I think he should make more effort, it's his decision at the end but would it be unreasonable of me to send a text saying 'get in touch with DP...he is a bit put out you forgot DS' birthday'?

YAB a bit U, because, could you not have invited him & his partner over to the tea party, or for a cuppa if that would be awkward with your Dp's mother? Then he wouldn't have forgotten?

Perhaps he feels snubbed.

I'd send the text. Then you all know where you stand. Your not being rude, just honest

I've accepted his disinterest. We would often pop over to see them but I'm not going to try and engage with a person who is so blase about his son and grandchild.

Its harder for DP to accept his dad is like he is, especially when my own dad has a borderline obsession with DS :o

I just thought its courtesy to remember your grandchilds birthday?

So he wasn't invited to come and share the birthday celebrations?

Sadly Its v common My son has never had anything from my father or my husbands parents on his birthday

Maybe he is waiting for his invitation?

He was invited, that's why DP said about a mini tea party to him. If he couldnt make it, why not say?

my DP's dad is like this, he just a selfish man. I dont let it bother me any more

Ok, if he was explicitly invited (& that's still not entirely clear, mentioning it isn't enough. I would've specifically asked if he was coming) it does change things a bit.

If it bothers you (personally or on behalf of DS & DP) then say something, directly not passive aggressively.

id he still working.

My dad is, so often we have GC parties so every one can make it

Ok, I'm not making myself very clear.

It was an informal thing, no invitations were sent out, no specific time. The plan was to put a few bits of nibble type foodstuff out from lunchtime onwards and people could come round when it was convenient for them. Some came before lunch as they were busy in the afternoon, others came later if they were working. So DP mentioned to his dad that this is what we're doing, come when you want. As we did to everyone. Nearly everyone phoned a few days before to let us know what time they would be coming over.

DP is too proud to phone his dad back. In his words 'I'm not phoning him when he knows when it is' I think he's too fed up of always chasing his dad for a glimpse of communication that he has decided to give up altogether. But I know he is actually a bit upset but too proud to say.

McHappy - he is a Farrier so works by appointment. If he was really busy that day, I wouldn't have minded him coming another day. He drives past our place every day, even a quick 'can't stop for long' would have been acknowledgment enough. I've had this week off work. All he had to do was let one of us know.

Did you remind FIL, or issue the invite and leave it at that?

You could say something like "We missed you on ds's birthday,what happened"? (rather than dp is upset about it.)

You may need to be more specific in inviting him, and follow up with a call to ask if he was coming or not, in future.

Issued it and left it at that. But to be honest, it isn't so much that he didn't come, its more that he didn't acknowledge his birthday at all.

Which is what has upset DP the most really.

In that case shrug and move on, FIL's loss

(I would have reminded FIL the week before the event, as replies were coming in, and prob nailed down a time, too [control freak])

Honestly, you missed your chance when you saw your MIL (which is basically what your FILs partner is. Are there issues around your FILs other relationships?). A brief, "had a great party, missed you two, though " would have been enough. Send it by text to FIL.

YANBU of course you are not, how sad. It is a shame for your DP, your DS and really for DP's dad too. I wonder why he behaves like this? Anyway, if I were you I think I might try to say something, I wouldn't flog a dead horse but I would put it out there once and see what happens. I hope he bucks his ideas up soon.

I don't view my mil's partner as my fil, so would be a bit reluctant to bring things up with them that were meant for my mil, so can see why op didn't want to mention it to fil's partner.

OP, you can't make people care - it's hurtful when they don't, but it's something which cannot be forced.

Are you sure there was no miscommunication somewhere along the line, regarding what was expected - perhaps he thought you'd phone with a specific time. If not, then I would let it go, as hurtful as that is for your dh.