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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect forgiveness for my bad behaviour? (bit long)

27 replies

OAM2009 · 31/03/2012 20:24

My friend gave me her advice on getting my DS1 to eat more fruit and veg, which included telling me DS1 was playing me and I would give both DS1 and DS2 an eating disorder if I didn't change. She didn't call me a bad mother but she made me feel like one. She wound up by telling me an anecdote about her DD, which seemed to me to prove the opposite of her point. And I responded by saying "If she'd have done that to me, I'd have slapped her!" Blush Blush Blush

I know. Rude, stupid, aggressive, unnecessary and uncalled for. I was a bit narked and wanted to burst her bubble a bit but it came out much too forceful. But she didn't react much other than asking me to explain and the conversation continued. I didn't apologise at the time Blush but tried to explain. We seemed to part OK.

Went to park a day later together (at my instigating in blissful ignorance) with all kids in tow and knew something was wrong as she was very off with me. I did ask her straight out if everything was ok and she said yes. I then saw her at playgroup a week later and asked for quiet word. She said No. So I apologised to her over another friend's head and said I was rude and I was sorry. She said OK.

Since then, she has utterly cut me dead. No waving, no smiling, no speaking.

AIBU to think that a friend of a couple of years could forgive me? I do witter on and I have been known to say idiotic things sometimes Blush but in practice, I have never been anything other than kind to her child. In fact, more than that, I often go out of my way to be kind to her child. I said a stupid thing but I have apologised and I can't quite believe that she is going to chuck our friendship in the bin over a stupid comment Sad

OP posts:
JustHecate · 31/03/2012 20:31

so. She stuck her nose into your business and felt free to lecture and criticise you, but when you reacted to it, she got the blog on?

Someone behaved badly, I agree. What right did she have to lecture and pontificate?

Yes, you shouldn't have said that, fair enough, but should she have said that you're doing everything wrong and will give your children an eating disorder?

Of the two things, I think that's worse.

You've apologised. Ball's in her court.

Perhaps she shouldn't be dishing out the 'advice' and making comments if she can't accept people doing the same.

TheSockPuppet · 31/03/2012 20:34

Had you asked her for advice?

JustHecate · 31/03/2012 20:35

oh yes Blush good question. I was assuming unasked for advice or lecture after OP mentioned something in passing.

If she asked for the advice then she did behave very badly indeed and I should be totally ignored Grin

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 31/03/2012 20:38

How do you know this is why she's cutting you off? It could be something completely different, and it's just because you feel a bit guilty/upset by the slap comment that you've convinced yourself that's the reason.

claudedebussy · 31/03/2012 20:39

honestly, if you didn't ask advice and she felt it was ok to say those things to you then she's a bit of a twit anyway. how annoying. there are ways to word things tactfully.

Original poster
OAM2009 · 31/03/2012 21:09

I kind of did ask but in general, our relationship is that of her being the older, wiser one as her DD is a year older than my DS1 so she's been there, done that. So, if I mention an issue, it normally leads to her giving me her (unvarnished) opinions and comments. She has been quite blunt before but I've never really responded in kind, I've tended to just take it and moan about it to my DH!

PomBear, you might have a point as I don't think things have been right between for a while and I think she might just be using this as an excuse to jettison me. But this just sends me round in circles - why would she need an excuse, why can't she just talk to me?

OP posts:
JustHecate · 31/03/2012 21:14

A bit of unasked for input from me now Grin

the fact that she has a daughter a whole one year older than you means exactly and precisely sweet F.A.

I have 2 children, 15 months apart. Having the first in no way gave me the faintest idea how to deal with the second! Cos they are different people, different personalities and no two situations are identical. So I would strongly advise you avoid seeing someone who's got a child with a full 12 months on yours as some sort of bloody guru Grin

She is not the oracle. she has a child that is a few months older than yours. That does NOT make you Luke to her Yoda.

JustHecate · 31/03/2012 21:14

older than yours. not you. obviously Grin

Lovetats · 31/03/2012 21:25

I don't think you behaved badly. I say that sort of thing all the time when my friends complain to me of their children's bad behaviour (I don't slap children btw, it's a figure of speech to indicate annoyance as every sane person in the Universe knows)

There's something else rattling her cage and I'd let her get on with it if she's acting like a knob.

Original poster
OAM2009 · 31/03/2012 21:32

Lovetats, can I just say thank you very much! Thanks I've been trying to explain why I said what I said but you summed it up perfectly! (while I just sound like a gibbering backwoods yokel - duh, I meant I would be cross)

JustHecate, you are also spot-on and I now have 2 DS 17 months apart so have learned she talks bollocks is not always right but to save our friendship (HA!), have just let her get on with being Yoda as she obviously enjoys it.

OP posts:
Jux · 31/03/2012 21:46

Some people take criticism globally; you might say "I'd slap her for that" (not meaning it obviously, and what they hear is "you are a crap mother in every conceivable way". Such people do tend to be very hard work as it can be quite hard to say anything that disagrees or contradicts them and their world view.

Have you said anything like that to her before, or have you sat meekly at her feet supping on the pearls of wisdom she drops? (I'm not getting at you at all, I'm thinking of someone I knew very briefly who expected everyone to behave like that>)

Original poster
OAM2009 · 31/03/2012 21:53

Jux, Blush probably the latter. We have crossed swords occasionally, mainly on politics or issues with other people, but my big mouth gets me into trouble (see my original post) so I try not to argue with people. I get carried away and say stupid things (see my original post)

OP posts:
Original poster
OAM2009 · 31/03/2012 21:59

May I also extend my thread to include a further question?

If I ANBU, what should I do? Should I contact her again to try and explain / apologise more fully? Or is that just embarrassing myself? Should I ask her to be civil in public, even if we can't be friends? Should I call her on being intolerant and unforgiving? Should I just let it be?

I'm getting less bothered about keeping her friendship the longer this goes on but both my DS love her DD and have been friends with her since they were born. As neighbours, it's possible we could see each other every day and I don't want to live with being cut dead every day, especially if she's going to do it in front of the kids. We also have mutual friends and I am worried about this falling-out spilling into other relationships.

Thanks so much for all your help so far Thanks

OP posts:
Maryz · 31/03/2012 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minimisschief · 01/04/2012 01:10

people dont have to forgive just because you said sorry.

iscream · 01/04/2012 03:11

Should I ask her to be civil in public, even if we can't be friends? Should I call her on being intolerant and unforgiving?
Please don't do any of those things, if you do want peace between you. She is allowed to be mad at you. I think most people would be annoyed at the slap comment.
People do not have to instantly "forgive" you. She is annoyed (I think you offended her) and although you apologised, and she accepted, just wait until she gets over it. Don't keep harping about it, it will probably irritate her.

kotinka · 01/04/2012 04:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YellowDinosaur · 01/04/2012 05:28

I wouldn't keep harping on about the slap comment a it might be something else entirely that has pissed her off.

In your position I think I'd send her an email saying something along the lines of you can tell you have clearly upset her and you'd like to know why so you can try to put it right / clear the air for the sake of the kids and because as neighbours you don't want any awkwardness. Then as hard as it if, leave it until she comes back to you.

googietheegg · 01/04/2012 05:42

She sounds like a right drama queen. Stop worrying about 'clearing the air' with her and just get on with your life. I reckon she'll soon come round. Better than getting in a twist trying to please someone that enjoys the soap opera of not being happy.

kotinka · 01/04/2012 05:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 01/04/2012 08:58

I would also say, don't apologise any more. To keep saying sorry, gives the impression that she is entirely in the right and you are entirely in the wrong. I don't think that's the case.

It's not a true friendship if she spends all her time lecturing you on how to parent and you can't say what you think, for fear of offending her.

I would probably go for broke and send an email telling her that you presume she is offended by your throwaway comment, but in turn you are offended by her constant criticism of your parenting and her refusal to act like a grown up and have a conversation.

I would be unable to leave it alone, with me having apologised and her continuing to sulk.

I would then say hello in passing, to which she can respond or not, but make no attempt to force the friendship (I don't think you gain anything from it anyway). Be normal with everyone else and if the kids play together at playgroup, then let them.

Other people are unlikely to stop talking to you on account of anything she says - people are not like that generally, and in the superficial world of playgroups, they like to be on reasonable terms with everybody else. it would also be rude for other people to ignore you, and most people struggle with being deliberately rude.

redexpat · 01/04/2012 09:21

You apologised, she said OK and it obviously isn't. She could have said something like I'm still quite upset and I dont know when I'll be ready to talk to you again. It doesnt sound like she is very good at communicating her thoughts and feelings in a tactful way. I'd let it go I think. Do you have other friends for support?

pigletmania · 01/04/2012 09:27

Let her get on with it. So it's ok for her to give blunt and horrid comments but not her. Ignore and move on

claudedebussy · 01/04/2012 10:04

let her get on with it. always be pleasant, smile, say hello. let her look like a twunt or get over it. she sounds like hard work. can't stand smug people who bestow their pearls of wisdom on us lesser folk.

Rhinosaurus · 01/04/2012 10:12

No loss, she sounds supercilious and condescending, and not a fun friend at all.

YANBU, but quite frankly she is not worth the effort!

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