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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Ignore

45 replies

FeckArse · 31/03/2012 16:52

I've had a 'phone call from a cousin to urgently 'phone my parents as my dad is apparently dying and my mum is very distressed. I am going to ignore.

OP posts:

Original poster

FeckArse · 31/03/2012 17:23

No I didn't save his life with a kidney. He took a fall of scaffolding and was rushed to hospitals. He had a bleeding head. But I knew it was worse because his eyes were crossing in his haed.
Long story short he had a blood clot on the brain. He only got admitted when I screamed bloody hell. Then I made sure that they didn't further fuck up. He gave me life and I paid back.

OP posts:

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 31/03/2012 17:25

He gave you life but that does not mean you owe him. You sending him to hospital doesn't counteract any actions. He should not have abused you ... End of story.

Ally90 · 31/03/2012 17:26

FeckArse -
You obviously cut them out of your life for a good reason. No one does it unless they have just cause. Doesn't matter what we think, only you know how the abuse was and how it made you feel. Its bound to be emotional when one of your abusers is dying (if they really are...sure its not a 'getting you back' to play more mind games?)

Hang in there. I have no contact with my parents and have yet to face this. And I don't know what I will do when it happens.

Post more...don't deal with this alone

Ally90 · 31/03/2012 17:31

As children we owe our parents nothing (imo). You did not ask to get born (or abused). We never had a choice in either.

You did a good thing alerting the hospital to his injury in such a way.

You still don't owe him anything and he does not owe you anything.

Family relationships only work if all are respectful/kind to one another. If it gets abusive, it is best the abused one gets out and seeks an alternative supportive 'family'.

Stop beating yourself up.

Original poster

FeckArse · 31/03/2012 17:31

My DH has taken himself and my DD to the hospital against my wishes.
I would love to see my dad and hug him ; but I can't. I have so much bitterness in my heart. He never abused me. He always loved me. He just allowed my mum to kick the shit out of me. And for that reason he was weak.

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Ally90 · 31/03/2012 17:38

How old is dd and does she have regular contact?

He enabled your mother. Would you see dh kick dd and do nothing?

My father was not abusive, he just watched my mother and sister verbally bully and abuse me everyday.

I can understand the bitterness...I still am fond of my dad but because he try's to get me in contact with my mother I have to stay away. And I could try contact with him alone but I just want to have it out with him, but most likely he would go red eyed and refuse to talk about. I want to rage at him.

TheMonster · 31/03/2012 17:46

This can't be an easy position for you at all. Think carefully and don't make a decision that you'll regret.
Sorry to hear you're going through all this.

puds11 · 31/03/2012 17:46

Will you be ok in yourself if you dont say goodbye?
could it come back to haunt you?

Original poster

FeckArse · 31/03/2012 17:51

dd is 13. She has had limited (supervised ) contact with my parents. I will not allow abuse to "flow".

OP posts:

Original poster

FeckArse · 31/03/2012 18:02

I've taken a fuck off position.
Mother... you beat me senseless. You are an evil bitch. I try to understand you through geneaology, you're circumstance. With research. I empat.hised. Still I can't understand why you would thrash and beat your own child.
Dad's dying; and you will be on your own. May you rot in hell.

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Ally90 · 31/03/2012 18:05

That's good. I was thinking more a confused young child. When will they be back? Dh supportive of you? Or has not seen that side of them? Or they have 'mellowed' in their old age?

How did you feel when you broke contact?

Keep talking, your going to be okay.

Original poster

FeckArse · 31/03/2012 18:09

I can't explain.
You wouldn't believe it
It was surreal.
I didn't believe it.
i just wan't to crawl away

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DPrince · 31/03/2012 18:16

Sorry your in such a shit position. It must be so hard, hope you have someone to support you.

hiddenhome · 31/03/2012 18:23

I really hope you find a way through this FeckArse. Parents shouldn't ever do this to their children. Do whatever you feel is right.

Ally90 · 31/03/2012 18:28

Don't crawl away. You should have your head held high that you had the strength, no matter what was so humiliating, to walk away and stay away.

If you don't want to tell us that is okay.

If you do that is also ok.

Whatever helps you.

Original poster

FeckArse · 31/03/2012 18:33

I'm not in a shit position. I've just had a particuarly shit childhood.
My mother hit me more often than most. In mitigation she lost her Mother at aged 12 years. Her Twin died a day later. I always try to see the other side
I've also had a very prividged childhood.
I'm at a point were I forgive my parents; I don't need to like them.
FeckArse
Aged 50

OP posts:

Ally90 · 31/03/2012 18:39

Did they take you to stately homes too? Privildged does not mean no abuse or it does not count. It does if it hurts you.

Does not matter she lost her mother and sister at 12. That's a possible? reason not an excuse for hitting you.

Forgiveness is so hard.

What do you want to do? And what could happen if you did do it?

hiddenhome · 31/03/2012 18:40

Have you seen the Stately Homes thread FeckArse? The people there are very supportive and in similiar situations.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 31/03/2012 18:42

I would love to see my dad and hug him I think you should, because I have a feeling you would regret not seeing him before he dies.

What he did was terrible, he didn't hit you, but he didn't stop her hitting you and he should have :(

However, what you want to do NOW is all that matters - one last hug from your Dad? You only have a limited amount of time to get that - you wont be able to turn the clock back once he has died. You can say to him that you still hate how he didn't stop her, but that in some ways you still love him --- or whatever you are feeling, just insist that she is not there when (if) you go.

As for your DH - this would quite possibly be a deal breaker for me :( but it depends on a lot of things we don't know... but I'd be very very angry at the very least.

Look after yourself x

Downnotout · 31/03/2012 18:56

I think that this is a situation where you have the chance to put things to rest. If you do nothing now you may well end up more screwed up because you could end up feeling guilty or regretting your actions in the end.

I am not being judgemental. I have a mother with Alzheimer's at whose hands I suffered neglect as a child and ended up very depressed. I have lived for 18 years since I finally cut her out of my life but in the last few years I have visited her three or four times. She doesn't remember much but to her I am still a little girl and all the bad things are forgotten. I haven't forgotten but I know that one day soon she will be gone and I know I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't have some kind of contact. When she is gone it will be too late. I lost my dad 18 months ago, and death is very final.

This will be a very difficult time for you because whatever has happened in the past, those emotions are bound to rear up. The only advice I can give is to do this for yourself. Not for him, or your mum, just so that you have no regrets afterwards.

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