How to handle issue with this child?

[difficultchild]

iNot really an AIBU but some advice would be appreciated.

Have a DD is year 6. There is a boy in her year who has always been naughty, hitting, swearing at other children etc and has always been told off for his behaviour.

However since one of his parents died a year ago and he was put with a foster family locally, his bad behaviour has continued but now the school basically try to ignore it.

If any child sticks up for themselves against him, according to my DD, the other child gets told off.

The other day, this boy was holding the door open for my DD, However, she said that as she walked through the door way, he deliberately slammed the door into her using force. She said the door is heavy and children do on occasions let it close and a child has been hurt but she says they have been accidents.

She said this boy tricked her into thinking he was going to hold the door open for her. She said she was in pain and cried all through lunch. She told a teacher who said they would speak to the boy, but she later heard this teacher telling the boy how he'd been really good all day.

Daughter has a swelling and bruise on her left breast and is sore. My husband said I should speak to the head after easter.

I'm not sure what I expect her to do about it though. The boy obviously has problems. I do sympathise with his family situation. Husband says school should not keep making excuses for the boy and that when H's parents died when he was in primary, he didnt go around attacking other children.

They no doubt have over the years had many complaints about the boy. I cannot see what can be done about hurting my DD. Is it still worth mentioning to the head? H and I are quite senstive to where DD has been hurt as I've had to mastectomies because of breast cancer.

Thanks

It does sound like the boy has behavioural issues and it is maybe not as simple as the school 'not putting up with it'.

That doesn't mean that your DD has to go to school in fear, though.

I think you should speak to the teacher or HT and express your concerns, in the spirit you have expressed them here - that you are totally understanding that the boy has some issues, bu you do need to know that your DD is safe and happy at school, equally.

I wonder if this boy has support in school, in the form of a teaching assistant or sessions with a earning mentor? It sounds like these are much needed.

Mention it. It can't carry on, dead parent or not it's completely unacceptable for any pupil to be deliberately hurting others and getting away with it because of his home life. Hope your DD is okay.

Agree with Bangtastic. Talk to the head. YANBU.

YANBU at all; the school has a responsibility to all of its pupils not just to ones that have had a hard time. I would be fuming about this boy being allowed to do as he pleases whilst other children sticking up for themselves get reprimanded

Talk to the head and if you want to, go above her and speak to your Local Authority area office, to voice your concerns, if you do not know how to get in touch with his SW.

He is a 'looked after child' and will have a SW. It sounds as though he needs CAMH's or similar, intervention, this may be in the pipeline.

The boy is being done no favours if this behaviour is ignored, but it may well not be, just not handled in the public arena, iyswim.

Just to add that the head will be attending the boys LAC reviews and should be giving a correct account of his behaviour.

Previously, he wasn't 'naughty' just reacting to his environment, unfortunately, it sounds as though he has slipped through the net.

I would defo speak to the head without a doubt. Your dd or any other child should not have to put up with being hurt at school or anywhere else for that matter. I get so sick of this in schools.In my dd school there was a really badly behaved child.He once ripped all the buttons off dd's new coat whilst she was wearing it the teacher told her off for being by him as "he is very dangerous and could hurt you" He is at a special school now so he clearly has some problems which is awful for him and the family but still not the other childrens problem.
I have had a mastectomy too and would be the same if it were my dd's being hit in the breast.

I've seen this before in children who have lost a parent. Sometimes it is grief but kids know when they can get away with, and I promise you he is seeing it as a green light to do whatever he likes.

I promise you he is seeing it as a green light to do whatever he likes

A child psychologist wouldn't come out with that statement

But that isn't the issue, the OP wanted advice on what to do.

I would go to the head first thing after easter break. It is tragic he has lost a parent but his behaviour is inexcusable and should not be tolerated. It is not as though he has suddenly become naughty due to grief so I would be wanting action from the school. They have a duty to you to protect your child at school.

Definitely raise with the school in a meeting, and follow up in writing by e-mail or recorded delivery letter, so that if there are any similar incidents the school can not conveniently deny any recollection of what has happened previously. Also, I think that by Year 6 the boy will by now have reached the age of criminal responsibility, so you could drop into the conversation that you decided not to go to the police on this occasion, but have not ruled out doing so if he assaults your daughter again. The school are doing the boy no favours by allowing him to get away with this type of behaviour.

I am an advisory teacher for Looked After Children, and come across situations like this quite often.

It is very difficult, as there is legislation which requires schools to prove that every avenue of support has been tried to support a Looked After Child before exclusion is considered as an option- and rightly so, IMO.

Some schools interpret this to mean that they cannot apply sanctions; this is not the case. However, it is often found that some sanctions have a negative impact on children suffering loss, attachment difficulties, or other effects of abuse and neglect, and can exacerbate the behaviour. As the parent of another child at the school, you will not have a clear picture of what is going on with this boy.

I would advise that you focus on what is affecting your DD directly, and ask the school what steps they intend to take to keep your DD safe.

I echo Birds' post above- it could be a case of applying for funding for support for him, making a referral for CAMHS input etc.- but as far as you are concerned, concentrate on the school's responsibility to keep your DD safe. You do not have a say in how this boy is punished or rewarded.

Thank you all for the good advice.

DD said the boy has a "helper teacher" who's been with him for the past few months or so.

It will obviously not been the school's problem after July as they will be leaving for secondary school. It is a very scarey thought to think of how he will behave in secondary school and I'm honestly scared for my DD and the other children.

All your advice has been helpful so I now know how to handle the situation after easter.

OP he may have 'direct work' done with him over summer, which hopefully will help him.

Its a shame, he was seemingly ignored as a abused/neglected child, reached the age of 10 and is now judged as being the abusive one, as is usual in these cases. The children stop being victims and are judged as perpetrators.

In my DCs school if a child had such problems he would be more heavily supervised. In the worst cases this has meant they are pretty much always accompanied, even if this involves secretarial staff, TAs, Deputy Heads ant the Head. The school has never excluded a pupil and as far as I know only one managed moved out (a few in though).

Hope you get a positive response from the Head after the Easter break. You need to be assured that your daughter will be safe in her school. We had a similar situation in our local school, but the school were not equipped to deal with this type of problem. We ended up removing our child to a different school. This involved a much longer journey to and fro each day but was worth it to ensure an environment that was safe and happy.

I recon the boy actually need firmer boundaries to feel secure - the school needs to be fair with him and he needs to know where he stands.

i think you should highlight what happened but also what your DD has said about him getting away with everything.

actually you could always ask to speak to social worker as well.

skyblue, we know nothing about the boy, the OP knows very little; there is no way we can state that he 'needs firmer boundaries'.

No parent of another child can know if he's 'getting away with everything', and it will lessen the impact of the OP's complaint to the school if she chooses to pursue this issue. She needs to seek assurances from the school that they can keep her DD safe. A situation where children are being hurt is no good for anyone, least of all the boy in question, so they should act.

My dad died when I was at school, although older than your dc - I went off the rails a bit, although not so much through violence, more just bolshy, uncommunicative and erratic moods. I was treated with sympathy and fairness, but at the same time it was pointed out that my behaviour whilst understandable was not excusable - and that I was hurting myself more than other people.

I think you do need to raise it, carefully, so that the staff are aware of the problem your dd had - don't feel bad about bringing it up as the boy will have to learn to manage himself and that bad behaviour will not help him in the long run. He is in a terrible place and needs careful and sympathetic guidance, for his physical and mental welfare as well as his classmates. I hope your dd is ok, and not too sore still.

I would go and speak to the head too.

our dad died while dbro was still in school, and he started acting out. nothing physical, just unsettled in lessons, moody, answering back, etc. headteacher was involved, and db made to understand that although he was grieving he couldnt carry on like this. it was dealt with very sensitively, and i think this boy needs handling with a great deal of sensitivity too. while his behaviour cant go on, he's dealing with the loss of his entire family really since he's in foster care now, not just the parent who died. i cant imagine how that would feel, especially at such a young age.
i would def talk to the head about it because regardless of what this boy is going through, it's still a pretty horrible thing he did to your DD and it cant go on