Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to keep my daughter in the house?

18 replies

blameitonthecaffeine · 30/03/2012 23:11

As a bit of background, she has anorexia and spent several months in hospital at the beginning of last year. She needs to go back and is being admitted on Tuesday.

She's been on her phone for what seems like most of the evening and has 'arranged' to go to a fairly local (but not our nearest) park on Sunday afternoon to see her friends. I do appreciate that it will be the last time she'll see them for a while and they are lovely girls but I'm not comfortable with her being out without me. The chances are she'd be ok but she is pretty fragile and I don't want:
a) to risk her health or an accident
b) for her friends (five 13 and 14 year olds girls) to have to feel responsible for her
c) to be worrying about her all afternoon

I'd also quite like us to spend Sunday as a family.

I have told her the girls can come round here and be in the garden or in her bedroom but that is 'just not the same' and I'm 'so unfair and horrible'.

I'm fairly sure I have a good point. My DH (helpfully!) said 'ask your mother'.He's said he doesn't mind her going as long as she has her phone but will back me up if I say no. I really want to say no! Is that mollycoddling her?

OP posts:
emsyj · 30/03/2012 23:14

I would have thought it would be nice for her to feel 'normal' and see some friends (who you say are 'lovely girls' and not 'orrible, to be fair) - but I know jack shit about eating disorders.

I think you are being a bit controlling and I can't really see the point of preventing her from going tbh, unless there is something that you're not saying in your OP.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 30/03/2012 23:16

Disclaimer: I know nothing about anorexia.

I'd let her go, I would imagine that having friends must be terribly important to her. Can you do something special in morning with her instead?

AgentZigzag · 30/03/2012 23:17

You're understandably protective of her, but I agree with emsy that a bit of normality will be something nice to take with her to hospital.

You must be in such a difficult position, I really feel for you

nickschick · 30/03/2012 23:18

Do you know the other gorls parents? if so could you speak to them and hopefully one of them might say their dd isnt allowed to go but can come to yours .,...taking the onus of you and your dd?

hope your dd is soon on the road to recovery and (((((hugs for u all)))))

lisad123 · 30/03/2012 23:18

Could you not go out as a family somewhere near the park and let her nip off for an hour or so to see her friends?
Personally I think you need to let her go, BUT you are the one who know how's serious her health is right now.

NatashaBee · 30/03/2012 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilsonFrickett · 30/03/2012 23:20

She'd rather spend her last day at home for a while with her friends rather than her family. Totally normal teenage behaviour. I can see why it's making you feel a bit anxious, of course I can, but I think you should let her go.

I hope the hospital stay goes well for her.

fussbucket · 30/03/2012 23:22

DNiece is anorexic, now 17 but it's been with us since she was 13. A and B are genuine things to worry about, C is only about you.

Do you know any of the friends well enough for them to have your number in their phones so they can ring you as well as emergency services if things go tits up?

DioneTheDiabolist · 30/03/2012 23:24

Anorexia is a control disorder.

It is a tough one, but if I were you, I would let her be with her friends. This is not an unreasonable request for a teenager. If she has good friends and a mobile phone, drop her off and pick her up from the designated place at a pre agreed time.

And don't beat yourself up because you worry about her all afternoon. That is only to be expected when your teen goes out with her mates.

Original poster
blameitonthecaffeine · 30/03/2012 23:28

oh dear, I think I knew I was being an over protective nightmare! Thanks for the perspective, ladies. She probably does need some normality and I am over anxious with her (almost as if I expect her to just stop breathing if I take my eyes of her - pathetic!)

I think it will be only the afternoon, yes. I love the idea of going to the park too but I suspect that will go down like a lead balloon! I do know the other girls' mums but don't think it's fair to put another child into that position really.

Going to sleep on it (she's asleep now anyway) but I suppose I'm leaning towards yes - but definitely with the texting proviso and not staying out late.

Thanks for the good wishes.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 30/03/2012 23:28

My DD's friends, now 16, have had various problems and tbh, they are quite happy to look after each other, if it means that their friend can be included in their plans, so i wouldn't worry about them feeling responsible for her, if they are agreeing to it.

There is usually at least one out of a group of girls who will make a phone call if things aren't going right, perhaps try this, so you are reasured.

Perhaps she needs to feel in control of an aspect of her life, not just food? I would let her go.

Birdsgottafly · 30/03/2012 23:30

X post, if they are mature, you have to accept that they are not children, but young adults and peer groups are important.

AgentZigzag · 30/03/2012 23:32

You're not pathetic at all!

If anyone has the right to feel protective it's you.

solidgoldbrass · 30/03/2012 23:33

One query, do any of the friends have any eating issues? If not, or not as far as you know, then let her go. The only reason it might not be a good idea (given that, as others said, it's good for her to feel normal and do normal things) would be if one or more of the friends was a fellow sufferer; anorexics together can be a really bad influence on one another.

lisad123 · 30/03/2012 23:34

I'm in no way suggesting you hang out at the park with her Grin
Just maybe the pub down the road Wink

Original poster
blameitonthecaffeine · 30/03/2012 23:35

thanks for the insights and reassurances

solidgoldbrass - not as far as I know, no. I hope not. But I'm fairly sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
blameitonthecaffeine · 30/03/2012 23:57

lisad123 - haha, no, I know you weren't meaning literally hang out with her and her friends! Still don't dare though.

OP posts:
fussbucket · 31/03/2012 00:14

Best wishes BlameIt. Off to bed now, goodnight.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread