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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this wasnt my fault.

26 replies

RedHotPokers · 30/03/2012 21:38

I was sat in front of tv on mn. Dh comes in looking suspicious and asks to borrow 'my' laptop. I ask why, and he looks sheepish. So I ask again, and he says he doesn't want to say. So I ask him again, and he gets cross and says I've ruined my birthday surprise by being controlling! Wtf!

Apparently I should have known it was in relation to my bday, and shouldn't have spoilt everything by demanding to know why he needed it. Bear in mind that at this point he hasn't even said what specifically it was anyway!

So I asked why, if he didn't want me to ask anything, he didn't just wait until I went to bed, which I normally do at 9ish. Surely that's what people do when being 'cunning'.

Anyway, it turned into a big row. He has accused me of being controlling and apparently doesn't know why he bothers! To my mind I shouldn't be expected to psychically know it was re my birthday, and if you try to arrange a surprise, you don't then throw a huge strop when the surprisee unwittingly enquires about it.

Anyway, long story short, birthday will be ruined, bad feeling between dh and I, (sigh). Aibu to think this wasn't my fault?

OP posts:

Bangtastic · 30/03/2012 21:40

YANBU. If you go to bed that early, he could have used laptop then. He should have known you'd want to know why he needed it when you were using it, especially if he was looking sheepish when asking.

NorkyPies · 30/03/2012 21:45

YAB a bit U to ask why he wanted it. My ex DH always used to ask why I was reading a particular book, which always irritated me enormously - why should I have to give a reason?

minimisschief · 31/03/2012 01:24

well tbh you do sound controlling. He shouldn't have to tell you why he wants to borrow it. What was you going to do,refuse it if the reason wasnt good enough.

in future he asks you either say ok or after i have finished with it.

Lueji · 31/03/2012 01:31

YANBU

If I was using the computer and someone asked to use it I'd like to know why.

If the computer was not being used, I wouldn't even think about asking.

mockingjay · 31/03/2012 01:54

I think YABU in that this has clearly been building up in his mind, so there must have been other incidents. Tbh, it would annoy me having to give a reason too, especially if I knew in advance that you were going to be awkward about it.

Would you be impressed if he'd asked what you were doing on the computer, and refused to leave (i.e. give you use of the computer) until you'd satisfied him that it was worthwhile?

On the other hand hIBU because it was hardly stealthy!!

CheshireDing · 31/03/2012 04:33

YANBU.

Of course if you are using the laptop and he asks to use it you would not just say "here you go".

Silly man could have waited

AThingInYourLife · 31/03/2012 04:43

YANBU

He thinks he has the right to take something off you that you are using without explanation?

But you are "controlling" to want to know why?

Do you believe it was about getting you a birthday surprise? Sounds like manipulative tantrum throwing to me.

pumpkinsweetie · 31/03/2012 05:05

He sounds like the controlling one in this relationship!
YANBU- i think to take something off someone whilst they are in the middle of using it is a bit odd-(prob snooping at ur mn account)!.
Obviously he's thrown a strop because u asked 'why' -he could have bought your birthday surpise any day afta 9 when ur in bed! And i personally cant see why he's even had let on about it or have a tantrum over a gift.
He doesn't sound very grown up at all

SaraBellumHertz · 31/03/2012 05:39

Op controlling?? FFS!

She was using her laptop. If someone wants to use something of mine whilst I am actually using it then bloody right they should tell me why. If I'm MNing and they want to check footie scores then you can be assured they will be asked to wait, if they want to check info on NHS direct then different reaction.

OP your DH was being a twat. Hope he apologises soon.

MrsKittyFane · 31/03/2012 07:42

You were on the laptop and he wanted to use it to arrange some big surprise to do with your birthday? Whilst you were in the room? Whilst you were using it?
I bet he wanted to clear Internet history for your birthday treat or clear porn history.
He got his nickers in a twist either way!!

Honeydragon · 31/03/2012 07:51

If it is the only pc in the house, than "do you need it right now?" would be the non controlling response.

If however it'd your laptop as he usually uses another than uanbu at all to ask why he wanted it there and then and get a bit shirty when he didn't answer.

Henry1980 · 31/03/2012 07:57

What's on your laptop you don't want him to see?

DressDownFriday · 31/03/2012 08:01

If it was just about the laptop then it's an over reaction. Is there more to this?

Btw he's crap at surprises.

MrsKittyFane · 31/03/2012 08:04

What's on your laptop you don't want him to see?
:o :o :o
Yeh right! Why did OP's DP need the laptop back so urgently? To clear history of big surprise? Would he really have got into such a tizz if it was that? Or did he get angry because he has something to hide?

MrsKittyFane · 31/03/2012 08:05

Oh and tell him to shove his surprise!

AThingInYourLife · 31/03/2012 08:10

"If it is the only pc in the house, than "do you need it right now?" would be the non controlling response."

The "non-controlling" response?

If you have to be designing your natural responses

(e.g. can I have that thing you're using? Um... why do you need it?")

to be "non-controlling", then your relationship is in trouble.

If DH asked to switch over the TV I was watching I would ask why, or to use the sweeping brush I was using, I would ask why.

Either I'm very controlling, or people in equal relationships don't just hand over things they are using without an explanation.

"Do you really need it?" is contrived bollocks. Nobody who wasn't afraid of being accused of something would say that.

Honeydragon · 31/03/2012 08:26

I think it is a bit controlling if you have one tool in the house to demand to know what the other person wants it for to decide if they are worthy of it at that time.

Do you need it now, allows a person to say yes or no and volunteer what they want to do.

Maybe instead of less controlling I should have said more polite?

fedupofnamechanging · 31/03/2012 08:33

I think it is perfectly natural to ask why, if you are already using the thing that your partner wants to borrow.

It would only be controlling to question why, if you weren't using it at the time but still wanted to know his purpose in being on the laptop.

Have you checked your internet history? Him kicking off, like that, would make me wonder what he was trying to get rid of before I saw it.

diddl · 31/03/2012 08:38

Well in this case I think I would have asked if it could have waited until I´d gone to bed.

Does he always ask you what you are using it for?

What does it matter what he wanted it for-don´t you trust him?

YABU.

babybythesea · 31/03/2012 08:52

We only have one laptop so there are frequently moments whe I'm on it and he wants it or vice versa.
I ask my partner why he wants it, if I'm using it. He's never accused me of being controlling - it's just we have a relationship where I don't need to analyse every utterance before it leaves my mouth. I can't think of a situation where it's ever been a problem - he also asks me what I'm doing on the laptop and I don't take offence. It allows us to work out who needs to use it first.
If he doesn't want me to know something, he tells me as much. Or he says 'Doesn't matter - I'll sort it out later' if he wants to be a bit more cloak and dagger.

As an individual occurence, I'd say he's blown it way out of proportion. However, it might indicate something bubbling away in his mind that might need looking at. I am guilty of doing this - something annoys me but it seems petty so I let it go. Which means I don't say anything, not that it stops niggling at me. Then a few more similar little, petty things happen and on the last one I lose the plot and throw out all the accusations which have been fermenting over the last week or more, so my reaction is out of proportion to the one instance which triggered it. Could he have done this?

AThingInYourLife · 31/03/2012 08:52

"I think it is a bit controlling if you have one tool in the house to demand to know what the other person wants it for to decide if they are worthy of it at that time."

Not if you are using the tool at that time.

"Do you really need it? (my lord and master)"

Seems a very deferential tone to take with your spouse.

If I'm using something, I'll decide whether your need is greater than mine if you allow me to weigh them up.

It's quite impolite to demand something that someone else is using and just expect to be obeyed.

What kind of relationship are people in where appearing not be be controlling is such a big issue?

I wouldn't feel "controlled" just because DH didn't unquestioningly hand over anything I wanted, even if he was using it.

I can see why he might think I was bossy, overbearing and secretive for demanding that.

Honeydragon · 31/03/2012 09:22

But do you need it now isn't.

My dh wouldn't ask for something I was using unless he did need it.
It allows the response "yes, just quickly it's urgent"/ yes but as long as I've done such and such by such a time", or in the case of ops dh "no I can wait till later"

He chose to have a big fuck off row about it not her.

SaraBellumHertz · 31/03/2012 09:30

"do you need it now" is an odd response, very deferential and provides no opportunity for you (as in the person using the tool) to make an assessment as to whose need is greater.

AutumnSummers · 31/03/2012 09:35

This seems like an odd thing for him to blow up about. Perhaps he was referring to you being controlling because this incident brought up thoughts he's been having about your relationship prior to the fight?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/03/2012 12:54

What Autumn said. It sounds like he wanted an excuse to fall out with you.

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