AIBU to think i am the worst parent in the world

[Mrbojangles1]

today went to ds (12) parents evening, and... the teacher said he has been pretending to be looking at his homework diary and all the while has a book stashed inside and is reading that instead of doing his work in class

and apparently he has been reading so much in class some of the text from the story ended up in his subject book

and to top it all off sulking when he is told to put book away

he is a very good reader has a good reading age and i don't want to discourage reading but their is a time and a place i felt very small and embarrassed this is the worst report he has had since he was 4

he is on target for all of his lessons but i was very up set because i just cant help thinking how much better he would do if he was actually paying attention

i feel like the worst parent on the planet and even had a little cry earlier

Some parents get their kids to do their drug running for them, I'd say that's fairly poor parenting.

Your son reads in inappropriate places - and you're crying and feeling like the worst parent in the world?

FFS

No I actually feel really really down about the whole thing , I felt like the walls we closing in on me when the form tutor was talking

I was looking at my son he was looking at the tutor and I was just thinking oh god ground suck me up

I know it's sounds mad mad mad but it's the first report he has ever had we're somthing negative has been said

DioneTheDiabolist yes they said he was "off task" And non presant

But, really, the worst parent in the world? I could understand you feeling a bit disappointed in him for not engaging in lessons, but surely you can see that you're getting this massively out of proportion?

You must be living in a bubble if you genuinely have never come across any examples of some worse parenting than this?

mrbojangles it could definitely be worse, so I think you can safely say that you are not the worst parent in the world. At least its not a DS stashed under the desk.
However, he does need to have the manners to at least look like he's paying attention to his teachers, hope you can get it sorted, but he sounds like a smart boy so I'm sure you can get him in line.
FWIW I had DD1 at 17 and was a bit defensive about possibly being judged by others - I soon learned that everyone worth worrying about is more concerned with bringing up their own child properly :) I'm sure you have done a great job with him.

I used to get in massive trouble for reading under the desk at primary school, that was because I had finished the work and the teacher refused to give more. We were expected to sit in silence until everyone had finished.

Is this more about how you feel your relationship is developing - your comment about the sulking seemed to be full of meaning. Maybe a post on the teenage section might reassure you that yes, this is another unfamiliar stage of parenting which has been navigated by many parents before you!!

If this is the first report of anything negative in 7 years of schooling that is not a bad record for any child / parent.

If you felt the walls were closing in, I think you need to think about why and how you deal with that. We all feel out of our depth when it comes to new stuff with our children, but you have gotten him this far, it's just one step at a time from here on in!! It won't be the last "rebellion" and how you deal with him testing his boundaries will shape your future relationships. Read "how to listen so your children will speak".

Oh ffs. He's doing well at school, it's the first time you heard anything negative about him from his teacher... either it's a stealth boast or you really, really need to get a grip.

He was reading book in class, big deal.

Blimey! I think you need to chill out a bit. Your insecurity is going to affect him if you aren't careful.

It's wonderful he loves books, like my son.
He's not beating kids up, skipping school or taking drugs. Put it in perspective.

Off Task and Non Present are very familiar terms to me.

Neither mean that you are lacking in parental input, nor do they mean that your DS is stupid. So he's not that interested in what the teacher is teaching him? He's more interested in exploring that which he is interested in. So find out what that is (if you can).

I am wondering about your reaction to this teacher's comments. How do you feel about DS?

I did this all the way through primary school and most of secondary too. I was bored witless and ahead of everyone else most of the time.

You say he's on target and you wonder how much better he'd do if he were actually paying attention - please, please don't say that out loud to him. That was what was being thrown at me every time I was caught reading something other than a textbook; as a result I now feel like that whatever I achieve academically (and I'm most of the way through a PhD so it's not like I'm underachieving something chronic) it's not good enough and I should try harder.

I think you need to get a little perspective on what was said. Your DS is reading in class. Reading is surely a desirable activity, he's just doing it when he shouldn't be. He's not bullying anyone, he's not actively disruptive, he's not failing, he's not doing drugs behind the bike shed, he's not doing any of a myriad of awful things he could be - and even if he were it'd still not make you a bad parent. Please don't put so much pressure on him - if you're acting like the world has ended because of what is, in the grand scheme of things, an extremely minor infraction, you're going to make him feel like he has to be absolutely perfect. That can't possibly be helpful.

I did this too, all the time. I was extremely bored by school. I only started to pay attention and do well when I was 15 and the work became more interesting. Like Naoko, I'm almost finished a phd now.

If you think he's reading too much, why not find him something challenging to do that might distract him?

Stealth boast!

Sounds like the teacher should be asking himself dome choice questions about why a child is so bored by his lessons. And if your son is finishing his work then sitting reading, his targets obviously need revising upwards and he needs stretching more.

I'd be angry in your shoes, but not with myself.

Op don't beat yourself up about it, I spent 2 weeks on holiday "revising" for my as levels with my fave book tucked inside my revision guides. My mother never realised bless her, but I look back now and think how much better I could have done if I had actually revised instead of reading.

I don't get it.

Kids are annoying.

There are few things more irritating than having to put a book down because of what somebody else considers important.

You are either massively self indulgent with the crying and the worst parent shit, OR you want us all to tell you how clever your son is with the reading.

Most 12 year olds go through a stage of falling behind on work I wouldnt worry too much

My grown up son said to me this week, "You know how you're a bit of a crappy mum sometimes? Well, you buy the BEST ice cream flavours." And he gave me a lovely grin. it was a honeycomb Cornish and a tub of blackcurrant and clotted cream if you too would like to improve your parental score out of ten. We're all a bit crappy sometimes tho'.

i hope your child doesnt pick up on your out of proportion disappointment over such minor issues.