To think I am a really crap mum and I'm messing up my kids?

[Impsandelves]

We've just come back from a nursery outing to the Zoo. Another little girl said my DD hit her. My DD kept saying she didn't know when I questioned her ... she does get a bit confused and 'rabbit in the headlights' when put on the spot. I don't think she fully understands what 'on purpose' means, etc.

Eventually she said yes, she hit her (they are both 3 years old).

I obviously told her off, and made her apologise. We left outing early as punishment and she had to apologise again before we left.

I've talked to her again at home and she says it was an accident. Another mum has just text and said she saw and it WAS an accident. (DD was jumping around and accidentally leant on her).

I feel horrible and guilty and wonder why on earth I never side with my own DD first? Why am I always so quick to think the worst of her? And why I am so humilaited and embarrassed in front of other mums when she does do something naughty? As you may have gathered I often jump to the wrong conclusion and not in favour of my daughter. I just feel so crap about it.

Constantly feel like all the other mums at school must think I'm completely incapable and all over the place, getting it completely wrong. The other mums always seem so happy and calm.

neah, other parents all struggling to hold it together too, well most of them are, I promise.

Have you apologised to your DD, offered to make things up to her?
Are you very worried what others think of you?
In future in any conflict, situation where your child is accused of something, make a big point of trying to hear all sides of the story, let everyone take their time to say what happened. Before deciding on course of action.

Nobody likes their kids to do naughty things. I think modern way is to have ridiculous expectations & forget that children are still learning, they will make mistakes all the time. So we just keep gently guiding them. Guide, correct, admonish, forget & move on. We adults still screw up quite often, too. Just make amends & apologies & let go.

They're not happy and calm, they all have their own things. Most don't 'side' with their children either - and the ones who automatically do are always the subject of threads on here by the way.

I'd be more interested in why you immediately leapt to DefCon1 - even if she had hit the other child, a row, forced apology and then being made to leave are pretty big consequences. Do you think you overreact? And do you think you do it because you're embarrassed?

Hi OP, unfortunately children don't come with instruction manuals do they

We all make mistakes along the way. Please don't beat yourself up so much.

Just take on board that maybe you need to sit back a bit and assess. Oh and yes, always apologise if you've got something wrong.

what Wilson says makes good sense.

even if you thought she was guilty, maybe a time-out after the apology would have been better than leaving the outing?

It's a tough call, because if she doesn't know what "on purpose" is, then maybe she did think she was guilty?
In this case, it's not a massive infraction. If the girl was injured ,then yes, but you told her off and made her apologise, so at least you have done something to punish her, and don't look ineffective (which sounds like your biggest fear)

All you need to do is tell your DD that you know she wasn't at fault, apologise to her and then offer something fun as recompense.

NatashaBee, not strongly. Just said you musn't ever hit your friends, say sorry and hug her, which she did.

Though we left shortly afterwards, several others were also leaving and it was the 'end' of the outing really.We would have hung around a bit longer if this hadn't happened though.

The thing is I know she doesn't hit others, and that's one of the few things I can say she never, ever does. Wondering why was I so quick to believe what the other little girl said?

Ragged, yes am worried about what others think of me. Wish I was not feeling like that but I do feel like others are judging me as a parent sometimes.

Wilson, yes do feel like I'm overreacting at the moment, and feeling embarrassed. Have a 2 year old and a 6 mth old who were also with me and always feel far from calm trying to watch all 3 of them.

You just made a mistake. Learn from it.
I think I'm pretty rp, one times when I'm out with my 2 dcs they seem to be the only ones crying and whinging, everyone else's kids are happy. But I'm prob just being hard on myself, it's really hard sometimes being a parent.
But I do know what you feel like. As well asthem learning, we are all learning all the time too.

Omg I just read you hve. 2yo, 3yo and 6month old. Well hats off to you, you must have the patience of a saint.

Even if she didn't mean to hit her, an apology is still in order.

No I really don't have the patience of a saint. I shout at my 3 yr old sometimes.

Feeling like this makes me want to shy away from being sociable and meeting up with the other kids/families from school. I could happily lock myself away for a week but I really don't want my DD end up as unsociable as I sometimes feel.

Yes I would have asked her to say sorry even if an accident Handmade, but do wish I hadn't been so quick to blame.

Am I more concerned about being seen as a mother who doesn't do anything about bad behaviour? Wish I didn't care so much about the other 'nursery mums'.

Do you have anxiety issues?

Puffin, maybe? I don't know. I worry about my parenting particularly as I grew up without my parents.

I know this may go against form - but you may be doing her a great deal of good by listening to the other child. Yes we should all trust our children but I have seen a lot of harm done when a parent can be relied upon to defend their child to the death - and the child knows it.

In some cases this can lead to children who know that they can slip through the net of discipline at school, on home visits etc. They know that their parent will side with them. So in some cases it can be positive for a child to know that other people (Children) wil be listened to.

My daughter also loves know ing that I make mistakes and is happy as long as I explain I really am sorry. She is 8 now and her favourite expressionis 'noone is perfect Mummy - just do your best in the future!' I do have to grin and bear it but it has taught her some good life skills.

Whta you have described is a very little thing and will have no lasting impact (and I second that you are doing an amazing job with three children aged 3 and under - you were on an outing with her - that's the memory that will last!)

A lot of it sounds like a confidence issue - fear of being judged.

What you did isn't a big deal at all and sounds reasonable, but tearing yourself up about it afterwards makes it a problem.

Be kind to yourself. If you feel 'on edge' and like everyone is watching and judging your parenting when you're in public, then I'd say you need to work on reducing that stress. Because - unless you've developed psychic powers - the judgement is coming from you. They're all busy with their lives and probably not even noticing what's going on with your DD.