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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get bloody well fed up with flaky unreliable friend cancelling things??!!

20 replies

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 30/03/2012 00:04

My friend has now cancelled meeting up with me 5 times, one after the other. Each meeting has been her suggestion as she has had spates of cancelling in the past before so now I leave it to her to instigate meeting up, yet each of the last 5 times she has cancelled less than 24 hours before we've been due to meet. Excuses range from an ill child to wanting to go to Ikea for the day! We live about 1.5 hours away from each other so generally meet someone halfway so it isn't a huge journey for us all. She seems to have an active social life according to her FB statuses and photos and meets others regularly (that she also lives some distance from) so I'm guessing she doesn't place huge importance on our friendship. Perhaps I'm too understanding and accommodating when she cancels?

AIBU to be fed up with it all and not make any further plans to meet her? There doesn't seem much point as it means booking up a day when we could have met other friends instead, only to be left with nothing to do/nowhere to go.

OP posts:

McHappyPants2012 · 30/03/2012 00:09

yanbu

Toomanycuppas · 30/03/2012 02:25

YANBU I would be fuming. Next time, if you can be bothered at all, tell her to ring you on the day and if you've got nothing better to do you can arrange to meet her. Make sure she sets off before you do!

my2centsis · 30/03/2012 03:03

If she was your 'friend' you wouldn't b calling her flaky you obviously don't like her much so why meet up at all?

empirestateofmind · 30/03/2012 04:07

keeps cancelling = flaky my2

Next time she tries to organised a meet up tell her no (and why) and see what her reply is.

If she is still really keen to meet then ask her to come to you- that way if she doesn't show up you can be doing something useful.

SaraBellumHertz · 30/03/2012 06:08

Of course you can call a friend flaky if that is what they are

OP YANBU - why not point out how rude she is? Sounds like you have nothing to lose.

TheSkiingGardener · 30/03/2012 06:15

I had a spate of people cancelling on me. In a small way I had a generalised rant about it and now get cancelled on far less. Let her know you're pissed off and see what her response is.

Savannahgirl · 30/03/2012 07:03

YANBU Hexagonal. It shows a disrepect for your time. You will have put time aside to meet her and her unwitting message to you when she cancels is that her time is more important than yours. I have a couple of friends who are ALWAYS late to our meet ups and I was once left waiting for 40 minutes - when the friend turned up she said she had just wanted to do a bit of shopping first. I could have been doing loads in that time too...! (I don't see her any more..) Either, tell your friend that it annoys you, or you may have to accept that she isn't such a good friend after all, otherwise she would have more respect for you.

Whatmeworry · 30/03/2012 07:28

I always run these sort of things on a " third strike you're out" basis, you are very patient OP

noinspiration · 30/03/2012 08:00

I have a friend like this, and after years of feeling a bit put out found out that she was actually quite shy under the extrovert front and sometimes just couldn't face it. I have started sending her a text the day before saying how much I'm looking forward to seeing her, and how gutted I'd be if she had to cancel (well words to that effect). Rarely get cancelled now. There is usually a reason behind stuff like this, and imo if she was wanting to drop you she'd not make arrangements to meet in the first place. She'd ignore you, or be permanently 'busy'.

soundevenfruity · 30/03/2012 08:07

I've heard the other day on the radio a good phrase "social gazumping", ie cancelling a meeting with a friend if something more interesting pops up. Apparently it's rife. If she doesn't seem to value your friendship may be IRS time to move on. Or to get a better social life and a FB page than her - may be that will bring her around.

pigletmania · 30/03/2012 08:35

She does not sound like she values the friendship as much as you. Yes she is flaky cancelling at the last min with sometimes crap excuses. Forget about her and find some genuine sincere friends who really value you

pigletmania · 30/03/2012 08:37

How come she can can meet up with other friends then!

Pixieonthemoor · 30/03/2012 09:22

If you want to continue the friendship then you are going to have to say something. It doesn't have to be serious and dramatic but the next time she suggests meeting up, ask her if she really, really wants to as she has cancelled on you so much and these last minute changes make life really awkward. See what she says - some people will just take the piss until they are called on it. An ill child is perfectly reasonable - who hasn't had that happen to them?! But a trip to Ikea?? FFS that is just rude!!

pohara · 30/03/2012 11:05

She's not much of a friend really, is she?

Maybe switch attentions to better quality friends and let this one fade out.

merrymonsters · 30/03/2012 11:09

I know someone who was told 'if you want to be friends with me, you have to start turning up on time'. This was from a woman who'd been left waiting in a cafe alone yet again.

The late person has improved a lot. I think she needed someone to really tell her that her behaviour was unacceptable.

NoMoreInsomnia12 · 30/03/2012 11:20

I was in a group of friends from age 16/17 but there was one friend who, when we got into our 20s, would make increasingly feeble excuses for not going out. Anyway, a couple of years later she had a massive falling out with one of the group, and gradually lost touch with the rest of us - not for lack of effort on anyone else's part, I might add.

Now she has another group of friends and no-one ever sees her. Fair enough, people move on, good luck to her, but I was disappointed though as I really liked her. So did we all, even the friend who fell out with her, ultimately. But it turned out (one of the group heard on the grapevine) that she didn't like US very much. For years when in the group of friends she had apparently felt she was too quiet, not as outgoing as the rest of us and a bit uncomfortable.

I'm just saying your friend might say she is happy to meet up when face to face or on the telephone as she is not assertive enough to say otherwise. But perhaps she doesn't really want to be friends? I think you would be right to leave it anyway, YANBU. I'm not excusing her behaviour, I think it's rude and frustrating. But there could be something behind it.

redrosette · 30/03/2012 21:27

I had a flaky friend, called her on it, she said her excuses were genuine but we're not friends anymore and I'm better off for it, I didn't really have a friend to miss anyway

sunshineandbooks · 30/03/2012 21:38

I had a friend like this. I had a mild strop. Now it's not a problem.

I don't mind things being cancelled for a good or special reason, but because of a better offer is incredibly rude. But if you accept with no outward appearance you're pissed off, your friend may assume you don't mind.

WhaleOilBeefHookedIWill · 30/03/2012 21:44

Cut your losses. I speak as someone with a similarly shit friend who has not only cancelled many times on me and been unavailable to see me but available to fuck off with another of her friends all the while. Crap let down friends suck the life out of you and should be avoided at all costs

Original poster

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 31/03/2012 09:10

thank you everyone for the replies.

I think really in my head I know that I need to end the friendship, as like some of you said, let down friends are draining and she is just taking up too much headspace.

I will keep in contact with her on FB and by text as I don't want the hassle of a fall out but I won't instigate any contact and if she suggests another meet I'll say I'm busy and just let things peter out like that.

OP posts:

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