to have a rant that DH's Control Freakery is rearing its ugly head again??

[AnonymousBird]

Dh has always been a bit OCD about certain things which means he can be a bit of a control freak with me and the DC. A couple of years ago it was really bad and we were constantly falling out over it as I simply was not going to tolerate how he spoke to me and the children and his absurdly unreasonable expectations.. He improved massively and although there have been little chinks of it, he has mostly got it under control. Until the last few days.

It's creeping back in. For example:

1. He did not want the children to have friends over (on the hottest afternoon of the year yesterday!) because "the mown lines in his lawn would disappear" as they played in the garden.

1. The children came anyway, I wasn't going to cancel (!), some water got spilt on the wooden table and when he got home, before even saying "hello everyone" he immediately starting ranting about "is that grease on the table, what has been spilt".

1. He wants me to chase up our decorator who is supposed to be coming to do some touching up despite the fact that she has 5 month old twins and needs an operation soon. He keeps saying "when can we chase her, we can't leave it forever". I only got in touch with her two weeks ago and she explained her situation, so really?? Really, I need to chase her??

1. DS (7) has a tray of colouring pens and a pile of papers which live on the shelf in the kitchen. They are apparently "out of control and make the entire house (yes the entire house) look like a tip".

1. "The entire house (yes the entire house again) is completely filthy." Today is housework today (normally Friday, but the DC break up, so doing it today). The entire house is not "filthy" - at best (or worst) a couple of rooms are a bit untidy and anyway, we have two young children, the whole house cannot be all perfect at all times. He just shrugs and walks off. I don't mind doing the tidying and the cleaning, he works full time, I don't work so when the children are at school, I am quite happy to do the various jobs that need to be done to keep the house going. BUT he is becoming utterly unreasonable about "the state of the place" again - I really thought we had got past this. I know that certain things need doing, and they are on my list to do today, but this whole thing about "the entire house is a pigsty" thing is, frankly, totally unfair. Most people who come to my house go "oh my god, how do you keep the place so tidy and clean". It has its moments, sure, but 90% if the time it is pretty darned ship shape.

1. I made him a cake (long story - not normal for me but there was a reason). Anyway, my friends and the children who came yesterday really liked it. As it was for him to try, obviously, I made sure that at least half of the cake was left over for him and he just said 'it's dry (which it wasn't) and it is tasteless". I had already decided it needed more of its flavouring, so actually agreed it wasn't tasty enough but to not even say "thanks for making it" and at least be tactful about it needing more flavour (which I knew) he simply tore the remaining half into crumbs on the plate and t hen said "you aren't keeping this are you" so I said " not now". As it happens, the children had really liked the cake and if i had wrapped it, it would have kept for today and they could have enjoyed it. But it was now inedible so had to go in the bin. Very very mean, ungrateful and frankly soooooo controlling.

There are several other examples, but i am so angry i cannot think straight. But I needed to rant.

Sorry this is oh so long. Rant Over. AIBU?

I don't know how you put up with it! Has anything changed in his life or at work that could trigger this behaviour?

YANBU. That sounds exhausting.

Is he stressed about something? I wonder if that is a trigger for this behaviour.

Well, I wondered about that, it's quite a sudden turn for the worse, really just in the past few days. Work is fine - quite busy, I know, end of quarter always is, but not aware of anything out of the ordinary.

If he is like it again tonight (as he was this morning) we are going to be having words...

Thing is, he is seriously naturally just so OCD. His Dad is the same but they are both quite capable of managing it (most of the time!).

What really did it for me was that he didn't want his 7 and 6 yo children to have friends over because his lawn might not look perfect. I was absolutely and completely at that.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. He's being very selfish and unpleasant. He needs to sort himself out because it's not fair to expect you to put up with this long term. It would have a huge effect on your happiness and self-confidence to be picked at and have what you do rejected the whole time.

Has he ever had counselling over it? It sounds like he's got things massively out of proportion.

It is exhausting, because when he is like this, the DC and I (and they totally pick up on it) are all treading on egg shells and panicking about leaving something in the wrong place etc etc... So we are stressing and over-compensating all the time and it just makes for a bad mood in the house. And with the holidays starting tomorrow, then it will only get worse.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

08082000247

I think it might help if you call these people & explain yr situation.
The women there have been through same/similar things.
They are great& very helpful/understanding/caring.

You shouldn't have to put up with any of these kinds of things from anyone.

Good luck x

I might be inclined to tell him if the house isn't clean enough for him, he's welcome to piss off and live somewhere else. The lawn thing is the most bloody ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Not sure what to suggest if you've already discussed this with him and it's only made a temporary difference. Is it possibly a symptom of depression? Does he admit that he's got a problem handling family life and the normal level of chaos that comes with it? If he doesn't think he's being unreasonable and isn't willing seek help in learning to handle it better (he clearly can't do it by himself), then you really have to decide how long you're prepared to live with it for.

That's definitely a bit worrying. I'd say he's feeling out of control and needs help. Surely this is serious enough he needs counselling - he is finding anything that's not in perfect order upsetting and infuriating. It's not reasonable. But sometimes, it's also not rational. He should think about counselling. I know that's often the catch all for everything, but in this case, I don't think it's about him trying to control you but it sounds to me like he's not feeling in control of his own environment.

What sort of cake was it.

It doesn't sound like OCD it sounds like emotional abuse tbh.

Rhinos - when it happened again this morning, that is what I resolved for tonight. He isn't back until after DC in bed tonight, so yes, going to try and find out what has triggered this. He has been so much better about it for so long, so it must be something.

Wasn't going to launch into one there and then this morning - he was about to leave for work, the children were just getting up, it wasn't the time. But clearly whatever it is is there again today and no apology (in the past, usually, when he has been like this in the morning he is pretty fast off the mark with some form of acknowledgment that he is out of order, but not today - yet).

PJMAMA - yes, I think he knows that he finds the chaos of family life tough going sometimes (but not all the time) and the whole "show home" mentality again is something he knows is unrealistic, but I think something in him means he really struggles to overcome that despite knowing it is completely unreasonable. I thought we had this sorted, I really did, I don't want to leap in after only a few days of reverting back with "you need counselling" - just think being hard line like that might just push him more into it,, rather than back from it. But I am going to be tough - he simply cannot behave and talk like this, it is just not on. He can go and stay with his Dad if he wants, and they can be OCD together for a day or two.

You CANNOT expect to keep your house showroom clean and tidy during the Easter holidays?!?

Do you think he needs counseling?
My DH used to be very anal about tidiness, after our 3rd dc he realized it was never going to happen.

He does tend to do a bit of tidying up when he gets home from work, he gets home before me but I tend to think as long as the house is generally clean it's not necessary for it to be tidy!!

I think you need to have a chat with him and explain how you feel

OMG he sounds really unpleasant. He seems to take pleasure in making your life difficult and is so ungrateful about all you do. Maybe you should stop doing any of it, cleaning, cooking and baking until he appreciates you a bit more. I seriously couldn't live like that. I have a feeling that an acquaintance of mine has a similar type of husband. She has a lovely house, older children privately educated but I was told recently that she has been on medication for depression. She told me recently that she couldnt do something because she needed to wash and iron her dh's shirts for a business trip. I also have a husband with a high flying career but he is very capable of doing his own laundry!

I must emphasise that this is only the past few days though we have had spells of it in the past, so yes, it does sound unpleasant etc, I completely agree, but other than the current "lapse" things are pretty settled and level at home the rest of the time.

Anyway, chat tonight before it spirals, so he knows precisely where I am on this (ie. am not going to tolerate).