Not sure this is the right thread, long!

[furiousgrantobe]

My daughter and her bf have been together 7 years but it has been complicated by the fact that he is of Pakistani origin and she is of english mother/brazilian father mixed race. I have been aware of the relationship from the beginning as I am very close to my daughter and whilst it wouldn't have been my choice of partner for her I have always supported the relationship as her happiness is of paramount importance. His family became aware of the relationship at the beginning due to him unfortunately being sent to prison and my daughter and I attended the court and his family were amicable towards us. She has fully supported him through 2 stints in prison, I believe in giving someone a second chance and since his last release 4 years ago he has been a changed person.
The relationship has been almost hidden from his family and my daughter has never been to his house but has met his sister and got on well with her.
My DD found out 8 weeks ago that she is pregnant and due to medical problems in the past was told that it was almost impossible to conceive naturally. They were to begin IVF treatment next month! Obviously she was shocked but delighted with the news as was her bf.
Now the real issues begin. BF has admitted the relationship to the family which they begrudging accepted on the condition that DD learns urdu, she has no problem with that.
BF then has to admit a week later that DD is in fact preganant and as you can imagine all hell broke loose. His sister even phoned DD to plead with her to have an abortion not realising she is in fact 14 weeks pregnant now. She has since apologised but I still find it unforgiveable.
His parents then say they will accept 'things' if they can marry quickly, ie in the next few weeks! My DD was not against this although it was not what she would have ideally wanted but then came the further demands. After the wedding she had to move in with his family, this was flatly refused. DD has always maintained she wanted to stay at home until the baby is born and for a few months after and then either buy or rent a house together. His parents will not compromise. They have not contacted me which I find very disrespectful and feel that it them making all the demands. I realise it is a cultural thing but surely compromised have to be met?

BF has now not contacted DD and she is very down and upset, he said some very hurtful things to her in anger but feels she has compromised enough in agreeing to marry but sticking to original plans. I would welcome anyone views on this situation. BF family have said they will not accept DD or baby if they are not married before the birth and living together.

Please help!!

Hi furious. This is probably not the right topic for this. You could report your post to Mumsnet HQ and ask them to move it to Relationships. This topic can be a bit scary.

FWIW, I think you just need to be there for you DD and help her to deal with whatever comes up. Sounds like a really difficult situation.

Is he the only son? This will complicate matters enormously. From what I know (and it's very limited) it is fairly normal to absorb DILs into the parental household, to keep the son close. Of course your DD doesn't want to do this - it's not part of her culture or upbringing. It sounds like much pressure is being brought to bear on her BF but he is no kind of man if he gives in to it now - he has chosen to go this route with your DD, he cannot now decide to be a "good son" and do what his parents want even if it is totally against your DD's wishes.

They will probably not contact you - why would they? You aren't the problem, your DD is. As they see it, it's a "family matter" and you aren't part of their family.

I feel very sorry for your DD - this is a tough ride she has chosen. TBH, I think your DD's BF is largely to blame for this situation and he has behaved really badly throughout - if he wanted to be with your DD then he should have stood up and told his family from the beginning that this was going to be the way it was. As he hasn't, he really has to do it now.

Your DD must not move into his family's home - she will be miserable. She must stand her ground, even if it means losing the BF. If he won't stand up for her now, he certainly won't once she's on his mother's home territory. His mother may be a lovely person, I don't know - but your DD is already "shamed" by being pregnant and unwed in her eyes - and she's not Pakistani, which may cause more upset for the mother, going on what you've said.

I would say that your DD's best plan is to decide not to marry her BF until his parents agree they can live in a separate house. So they may say that they will not accept her or the baby - and they may mean it, they might even stick to it - but once they get married she will find it harder to withstand the pressure.

Ah, I see you have posted as well in Relationships www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1438779-Mixed-culture-relationship-problems - probably best if people use that thread rather than this one then. I will C&P my post over there and then I suggest you get this one deleted.