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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to hear these comments from family?

49 replies

familyfun · 28/03/2012 22:21

told mil my sis had baby girl (we have 2 girls), she said "oh its all girls in your family isnt it, why dont you put in a proper baby order", "id laugh if you got pregnant and it was a boy", "dp would love a boy".
fil pipes up "at least having girls you can get them to help you with the housework"

we live in midlands and speak with local accent and use some incorrect grammar. dad says "its a shame my granddaughters have to speak like that with bad grammar, you cant get a good job with bad grammar and accent, why dont you correct them"
i told him i dont want their confidence knocked by being told off for talking how everyone else talks (as mine was when i was corrected every time i spoke and offered elecution lessons and told id never get a good job) and as we live here and all speak the same then obviously our kids do too.
he says he has always lived here but speaks properly and wants his grandkids to aswell.
i think its what they say not how they say it that counts and just want them to be happy.
these comments they probably forget when they leave but i feel so upset by them i feel so hurt.

OP posts:

Rowood · 01/04/2012 22:07

Accents are so cool now. I have an accent and it hasn't hindered my career as a lecturer. It's shallow, in unconfident people who hide who they really are. The best thing you can do is raise their self esteem not criticise them for being who they are. Me and my children now live in Warwick town centre and my youngest boy who was only 1 when we left Birmingham strangely has a brummy accent- I love it and love the fact that he is thriving in a village school where all the other kids (including my
Eldest boy) are accentless. He doesn't get picked on and is very confident. Fuck other people including family members if necessary. Its about being happy with who you are and encouraging your children, who I am sure speak lovely, to be the same

Rowood · 01/04/2012 22:09

Typos!!!!! Arghhhh! Feck the iPad!

verytellytubby · 01/04/2012 22:33

Accents I don't worry about but grammar I always correct. DH has a very strong London accent and the kids now correct his grammar I've got a North London accent as i'm born and bred but I speak properly.

ComposHat · 01/04/2012 22:39

I have no problem having my (frankly atrocious) grammar corrected, but pass comment on my Black Country accent and woe betide you.

ImperialBlether · 02/04/2012 00:46

Get them reading as much as you can so that their grammar improves. If your grammar is correct then theirs should improve. I don't see anything wrong with correcting your child's grammar, personally. You want to give them the best advantage in life, don't you?

GavisconJunkie · 02/04/2012 08:50

Yanbu re gender comments. Laugh & point out it must be the men you & your Sis chose.

YABU re speech. I fail to see how having an accent & poor grammar go hand in hand. I'm from a heavily accented area originally & was corrected, gently growing up if I made an error. Dd is 2.3 but v chatty, she corrected herself the other day, she saiid 'I done that. No. I mean I DID that' I was so proud. When she gets something wrong, we just repeat what she meant, rather than what she said. But we never say 'no, that's wrong'. Just lead by examPle.

Correction won't necessarily knock their confidence. It sounds like you were harshly treated & that your dad made a huge deal of it, therefore you have been scarred. You needn't take the same approach & therefore needn't have the same effect. However as someone who has interviewed a lot of people, take it from me; regional accents = non issue, poor grammar = big issue, whatever the position.

gabsid · 02/04/2012 16:53

In Spain a while ago a hotel receptionist corrected my Spanish by saying, no, its ... and I thought, grrr, alright you 'know it all'. In a coffee shop I made the same mistake and the waitress just repeated the sentence correctly within the conversation and I thought to myself, damn, I got it wrong again.

JustHecate · 02/04/2012 17:22

re the baby thing - did you know that it is the male and not the female that determines the gender of the baby?

The egg has X (female) and the sperm has either X or Y(male)

So if egg meets X sperm - it's a girl and if egg meets Y sperm, it's a boy.

So at least you can tell them to take it to the chaps if they want to talk about producing a particular gender

Rinkan · 02/04/2012 17:25

Your children speak with what you KNOW to be bad grammar and you don't correct them? It's what they say, not how they say it that matters? Love, the only thing your kids will ever need to say in life at this rate is,"Do you want fries with that?"

JustHecate · 02/04/2012 17:28

oh, and re the accent - having an accent and speaking well are two separate things. You can speak with a noticeable accent but speak well and have a good command of the language. Poor grammar would irritate me too.

I'm not an expert, you understand but certainly the basics. Nobody should be saying things like "we was going to..." instead of we were.

That sort of thing.

It does matter. And if it's not corrected when you're young - it's so ingrained that it takes a lot to change it. And people do judge you on it. Employers do judge you on it. It matters.

JustHecate · 02/04/2012 17:29

or what rinkan said.

That was really very blunt indeed.

GavisconJunkie · 02/04/2012 17:53

Blunt but fair!

gabsid · 03/04/2012 08:50

Yes, it matters to be able to speak and write correctly. On the other hand its great to have a regional accent or dialect and a regional cultural identity.

I would speak with a Bavarian dialect and was proud of being part of that culture. However, I would never have dreamt of writing like that and when I travelled I would dropped as much as possible.

Original poster

familyfun · 09/04/2012 22:29

rinkan, do you want fries with that chip on your shoulder?
i would say "we were going" but some friends/dds schoolfriends say "we was going" so dd says a variety. i say "where's she going" but again dd hears friends/schoolfrieds say "where's her going" and she spends more hours a day with them.
i dont correct her, as in say "no dd its were not was" but she hears it modelled correctly at home.

OP posts:

Original poster

familyfun · 09/04/2012 22:30

dd1 has started to read so is seeing written grammar which will help and i have always read to both of them

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trixymalixy · 09/04/2012 22:39

There's nothing wrong with an accent, but good grammar is important. We're in Scotland, DS has come home from nursery saying "they toys" instead of "those toys". I correct him, don't see why you wouldn't.

Original poster

familyfun · 09/04/2012 22:52

i think ts just that i dont want to knock her confidence by correcting her when she speaks. she is so quiet at school but chatty at home and i want that to continue. its not nice to be corrected all the time.

OP posts:

trixymalixy · 09/04/2012 23:04

If she's picking up bad grammar at school and you don't teach her it at home, where is she going to learn it? I know you say you are trying to teach her by example, but if she was noticing she would speak differently at home than she maybe does at school. You need to find a way of correcting without putting her down.

abbierhodes · 10/04/2012 00:41

I agree that you should be correcting her grammar. She needs to speak correctly- accent and dialect are two separate things. I was corrected and my confidence didn't suffer.
You seem very defensive, jumping on those who disagree with you. I know some people are blunt, but that's how MN is. I truly believe you re doing your daughter a disservice by not teaching her to speak correctly. Will you take the same attitude to reading? Writing? Maths? You are her parent, it is your job to correct her.

theodorakis · 10/04/2012 06:50

I got to a point where I was physically sick before any contact with the in laws, they were so nasty. I also had the "proper" gender things as well as sad clucking because I set too much store on education and books "at least yer sisters didn't get the 11 plus". So that's it. I don't see them any more. I am still polite on the phone and they all get together without me but I don't go. I have maintained a relationship that means I can still support my other half at funerals and big gatherings but that's it.

Whatmeworry · 10/04/2012 07:30

YANBU re sex of daughters
YABU re accent and grammar, it's important

Jinsei · 10/04/2012 08:28

I'm a southerner but live in the midlands. I'm not remotely bothered about dd picking up the local accent, but I will certainly be correcting her grammar if it is wrong. My father was a pedant, and I'm grateful to him for it.

Longtalljosie · 10/04/2012 09:32

There are ways you can correct without seeming to, eg:

"where's her going?"
"where's she going? To the supermarket"

And I really would. The fact is they'll earn more in later life if they can speak properly.

Original poster

familyfun · 11/04/2012 20:55

been thinking about it and yes when she reads a word wrong or gets a sum wrong i correct her but tell her good try or praise her for a good sum later, so i correct her but without knocking her confidence, so im not sure why i find it so hard with grammar.
i suppose its because its regional grammar and so many people use it round here, wheras maths is maths and i naturally correct her.
today she said "you was going" and i just told her its "you were going" but "i was going" and she took it in and understood it just like she does when i tell her a spelling.
i think its my insecurity rather than hers iyswim.
i dont jump on people who disagree and i am reading and taking in all the replies, i just found that one reply rude sorry.

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