To wonder if I'm going to owe my life forever after this?

[frazzlerock]

I'm going on holiday in two weeks time with a friend for 12 nights without my two DS's.
I am a single parent but their father has taken a week off work to look after them (plus I'm getting help from my mother and a couple of my friends)

To help my case, I am self employed (full-time CM) and have my children full-time (well, one is at school most of the time), plus not had a 'grown-up' holiday for years!
Plus he went on holiday last year for a week with his mates, over our DS2's 2nd birthday . But I had the children as I always do. Easy for him

Anyway...
Ex H was very funny about the boys staying with my friends for a week (who I've known for ages and see everyday. Their children play with mine, go to school together etc..) Said it was a bit "pikey" (I know...) expecting friends to help (they offered) and that they should be with family if one parent is away.
Ok, fine. Childcare rearranged. My friends only having the boys for a couple of nights (which he's still not happy with but I'm leaving for him to sort if it bothers him that much)

Now this is what's really bothering me...
I had a text from him today seeing if he could swap this Sat night (it's his weekend with the children). I replied saying I genuinely can't. I'm away for the night as I have a half marathon to do early on Sunday morning.
He responded
"Thought you might (help out) as I'm doing a lot while you're away... Ta anyway"
I'm sensing a hint of sarcasm but hard to tell from a text.

Am I being unreasonable to think a father should be relishing the opportunity to spend nine days with his children who he only sees every other weekend?
I feel like I'm being made to think he's doing me a huge huge favour.
This certainly won't be the end of it either. I can guarantee it. He will constantly remind me that I went away whenever he wants my help. He will really take advantage of it and because I'm a push over and hate arguing I will be made to feel guilty forever!

Maybe he is doing me a huge favour?
Maybe I am being unreasonable?

Hit me with it!

I'd just make sure you enjoy yourself while you are away!

YANBU! And I understand the guilt and indebtedness you feel. Mine are being left with Ex at the end of April for 12 nights!

To be honest he doesn't sound like he's having a go with his "Thought you might, ta anyway" more chancing his arm? You're right it, shouldn't be like he's doing you a huge favour at all. Have a fabulous time

Go. Don't give in to guilt/ worry. You'll have a fabulous time. You parent 2 DC full time as a single parent from what I can gather. You have earned a rest. Your ex will probably have a newfound respect for you when you return as he will see how much work is involved.

Ah thanks!

Shakey, I think it was the phrase "...as I'm doing a lot while you're away" which made me think . They're his children. Yes it's hard work. Welcome to my world! Don't make me feel bad for wanting some time off.

I just know it'll be brought up time and time again, once I'm back. I can see it now "I did so much for you and helped you out so you could go away, blah blah..."

Snowboarder, I do hope he will realise how much hard work it is. Although he won't have a full-time job to do at the same time and the younger DS will be at nursery 2.5 days (He starts the week Ex H has them), not to mention older DS being back at school when he has them. The world will be his oyster!

Oh lord, he's going to pump them full of Coke (a Cola) and sweets/chocolates/cakes.
They will be horrid when I get back and the flat will be a mess as he's staying here!
What Am I Doing????

This holiday had better be worth it!

Just reply "yes, and I am grateful for it, as I am sure you were grateful when I looked after them (as usual) when you went on holiday last year. It's great that you can reciprocate and give me the same freedom to go on holiday that you had".

Nobody makes you feel anything, your emotions and your response to his unreasonableness is entirely your own domain.

Nobody makes you feel anything, your emotions and your response to his unreasonableness is entirely your own domain.

Can you not reply (even if it's just in your head) about how you help him out a lot ALL the time by having his DC full time?
Sounds like he thinks he is .babysitting' his own kids!!!! Grrr!

Very true Micky!

eurochick, good response! I shall certainly remember that when he brings it up.

globalmouse, yep, I often get the feeling he is 'babysitting' his own children....

You never know, he might surprise me and not mention it again. Although I very much doubt it. I was with the man for nearly ten years, I know how his mind works. So long as I don't rise to it, and smile sweetly all will be fine!

let's hope he doesn't keep bringing it up then - although like global mouse says, if he does have something prepared along the lines of 'I'm not sure how you're going to repay me for all the looking after the DC I do for YOU.'

Hope you have a lovely holiday Frazzle - I'm sure it'll be worth the stress beforehand.

He is not doing you a favour, he is not providing childcare, he is not looking after the children - he is parenting. Taking day to day care of his own children is what a father does. I appreciate he doesn't do this full time normally but he is still just being a Dad.

'Just as long as you don't make it clear to the kids what a big favour you see this as - I know they're pleased to be spending a proper block of time with you. Don't give them the impression that you see being a separated Dad as a babysitting job, will you? It does make it harder for them to take you seriously as a normal parent, you know.'

What doctordwt said.

I assume his reluctance to parent his children is one of the reasons why he's your ex.

Have a lovely time frazzlerock.

It's not a huge favour, don't backslide into thinking it is. Another response is a cheery "I hope you all really enjoy having this time together." ie. completely ignoring the point and replying with something off-beat and positive. Think erochick's response is better, but you can keep that one up your sleeve for variety.

"I just know it'll be brought up time and time again, once I'm back. I can see it now "I did so much for you and helped you out so you could go away, blah blah...""

To which you respond :

"Actually I had childcare for my holiday all sorted. Remember? YOU were the one who asked to take care of them instead. I thought you did that because you wanted some quality time with your children."

And stop there.

Do NOT feel guilty. Do NOT allow him to use this as a tool to get concessions from you. (Well done for refusing his request, even though you refused because you genuinely couldn't, not because you wouldn't. )

he's a fucking joke if he thinks you should owe him anything for him looking after his own children! he sounds like my ex. likes to play the big IAM (just realised the ironly of IAmBooyhoo bitching about someone else playing the big IAm ) but it's not genuine.

you owe him nothing (he owes you if he only has his dc every other weekend!)
do not allow him to make you feel guilty
enjoy your holiday, you deserve a break and he is entitled to share the load a bit more evenly WRT his children!

ironly?

Don't feel guilty. You sound like you deserve a bloody good holiday. Hope you have a wicked time!!!

seeing as I'd want to do as much as I could to preserve the co-parenting relationship I think I would reply.

"you know I'm glad we can usually help each other this way for the sake of the kids but I'm not actually in town that night. I'd be happy to swap another night I'm here or perhaps we could find someone to sit and share the costs??"