Why did you bother having children?

[knowitallstrikesagain]

(The other thread title was waaaay too long!)

At one end of the spectrum: Parents who work away from home full time from an early age.

At the other end: Parents who home educate because they do not want to be away from their children.



I cannot count how many times I have heard people say, 'I don't know why she (and it is normally she) bothered having a child if she is going to leave it.

However, what is the definition of leaving it?
If you work away from home but see child at weekends?
If you send child to nursery at 4mo so you can return to work?
If you work part time?
If you work full time?
If you are a single parent who goes out once a week?
If you let your child sleep on their own?
If you send your child to boarding school?
If you send your child to any school?
If you and your partner go away for a week to Bali every year without DCs?
If you and your partner go away to Skegness one weekend a decade without DCs?
Does it matter whether they are left with nursery, childminder, family or friends?
When are they being 'abandoned'?

Since having DC I have been a WOHM, been a SAHM, been away with DP for weekends, sent DC to nursery/school, gone out in the evenings.

AIBU to think that if this is the view, nobody should ever have chilren unless they intend to be with them every second of every day until they are an adult?

[1950sHousewife]

That's what I sometimes wonder, looking at the threads here. So many judgy folk online.
Personally, I wear my 8 year old DD strapped to my chest at all times as I am 'extreme attachment bonding'. I intend to unleash her when she is 18.

[knowitallstrikesagain]

Seems the folk at either end of the spectrum judge each other, and the people somewhere in the middle judge all the 'extremists'

Everyone has a threshold. Working away one night a week? Two? Three? When does it become abandoning?

[Kayano]

See my 'dilemma thread' that was a big 'leaving them' moment for me.

Word

[ethelb]

I esp wonder about boarding shcools.

A lot of 'sahm' use boarding schools and get snotty on these threads about people choosing childminders.

My granny was like that to my Mum!

[GreenEyesAndHam]

Well I have three children and work full time. We used nurseries.

I had children for entertainment, mostly. I make them dance for me, in the evenings. It's very amusing

[DialsMavis]

Because I get really drunk and have unprotected sex

[Ifyoucantsayanythingnice]

I think abandonment is when you leave them on the church steps with an anonymous note and don't return.

I dislike the assumption that adult life stops when you have children. I am looking forward to when DD can stay at grandmas and me and DP can knock boots wthout shushing each other.

I also look forward to going back to work and if my working away was the best choice for my family off I'd go.

If I thought being away from us was best for the children i.e boarding school, relatives abroad, then off they would go.

Horses for courses and all that.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

What Ifyoucan'tsayanything said

[TroublesomeEx]

I think boarding schools (with the exception of forces families and others who travel a lot for work and choose it for stability) are the only parenting choice I really don't 'get'.

There are plenty I disagree with, for many reasons. But most of them, I can see the reason behind them.

We don't have family babysitters and it's my choice to not invite strangers into my home to babysit. The result is that we don't have any kind of joint social life. It bugs me that my parents won't babysit, but I also accept that it is their choice.

When I'm working, my children have gone to a combination of nursery, CMs and school. We don't have a choice.

We don't both work because I want pin money, or to finance a flash lifestyle, but because without it we can't afford Christmas or a 10 day camping holiday.

My children are great and I had them for the same reasons as DialsMavis did because I wanted to share my life with them, to experience the sheer joy and love that you only (IME) get with children.

Or as DH put it, "to fulfill a biological imperative". He's so dreamy....

[Ifyoucantsayanythingnice]

Oh and I had them because I don't like to empty the dishwasher or the bins myself. And i hated havng money and would much rather it went on nappies, school shoes and never ending food shopping.

[naturalbaby]

I have been watching Pregnant in Heels on Sky, there was shopaholic housewife who hired a full time nanny. She hired a maternity concierge (Rosie Pope's program) to help with a few issues and Rosie asked the mum to be what she was actually planning to do for/with the baby...."umm....dress him?" That was all. Dad to be and nanny would do the rest.

[lesley33]

I think it is about the child feeling loved and not feeling that everything else is a higher priority for the parents. Working, social life, holidays don't have to make a child feel like this.

But i know a friend who was basically brought up by her GM because here dad worked long hours and her mum couldn't be bothered with her, did feel unloved. And how her mum reacted shows the difference.

So no problemw ith having a social life. But her mum didn't work. But she would only attend school plays, parents evenings, etc if she had nothing to do and wasn't too "tired". Otherwise it was - well I can't see you in your school play because I am going shopping with Sandra (as she did every week). And this IMO is the difference and when I would judge parents.

because kids know when they are a low priority for their parents.

[Haziedoll]

It's an individual thing and I don't think that you can judge most of the time. You might look at somebody else's setup and think it's not ideal but it doesn't mean that they are wrong because it doesn't conform to your own view of ideal.

[MollieO]

Ds is off to boarding school aged 8. Weekly boarding it it not the whole week to start with. It is his choice. I could refuse to let him go but I think it would be mean of me to do that. I know I'm being judged here and in RL but frankly I don't care.

[TroublesomeEx]

MollieO and that is how it should be!

What reasons has he given you for wanting to go? (tell me to bog off if you don't want to discuss - not trying to 'start' something, just curious.)

[Haziedoll]

MollieO. To me 8 seems very young for boarding school. If your son and you are happy with the arrangement you just have to ignore everyone else. Why did he decide he wants to go?

[Ephiny]

I think it's an individual decision for each family tbh, I can't really bring myself to care what other people do, as long as the child is safe and being cared for properly.

Does annoy me though when people use terms like 'abandoning' or 'dumping' - personally I'd reserve that for the cases where someone leaves a baby outside a hospital or something. Arranging for your child to be looked after on a regular by a childcare professional or a responsible family member is somewhat different!

[hanaka88]

I think you should just let people get on with it as long as the child is being looked after.

Personally I could never see myself using respite care for DS. Never. Although when he's scragging hair out of my head and hasn't slept all week I can completely understand why people need it. I'm just really PFB about him these days.

It's up to you what you do.

[Katiepoes]

I had a child to project my own neuroses onto, to play dress up with and to give me an excuse to go to theme parks. How can I do that if she's in boarding school? (Although then I could live my Mallory Towers/Chalet School dreams through her I suppose).

[MollieO]

Hazie he wants to be a chorister.

[MollieO]

Sorry that's to folk girl as well! He is v v keen and fortunately the school is very local so he doesn't have to board to start with (he wants to from the off but I've said no).

[VonHerrBurton]

Some of my earliest and fondest memories are of seeing my lovely Nana waiting at the school gates for my sister and I whilst my Mum worked. It wasn't every day but we were soooo excited to see her standing there with a little bag of sweets each!

Coming home ourselves to a (gasp) empty house was also a huge treat, we loved it!

Our Mum always worked a part time job, Dad full time, and we never felt dumped/abandoned/farmed-out - quite the contrary. I did and still do have an amazing relationship with my Mum.

[Meglet]

Because I wanted a reason to play with Lego and go to the Natural History Museum again.