Why did you bother having children?

[knowitallstrikesagain]

(The other thread title was waaaay too long!)

At one end of the spectrum: Parents who work away from home full time from an early age.

At the other end: Parents who home educate because they do not want to be away from their children.



I cannot count how many times I have heard people say, 'I don't know why she (and it is normally she) bothered having a child if she is going to leave it.

However, what is the definition of leaving it?
If you work away from home but see child at weekends?
If you send child to nursery at 4mo so you can return to work?
If you work part time?
If you work full time?
If you are a single parent who goes out once a week?
If you let your child sleep on their own?
If you send your child to boarding school?
If you send your child to any school?
If you and your partner go away for a week to Bali every year without DCs?
If you and your partner go away to Skegness one weekend a decade without DCs?
Does it matter whether they are left with nursery, childminder, family or friends?
When are they being 'abandoned'?

Since having DC I have been a WOHM, been a SAHM, been away with DP for weekends, sent DC to nursery/school, gone out in the evenings.

AIBU to think that if this is the view, nobody should ever have chilren unless they intend to be with them every second of every day until they are an adult?

[lesley33]

lottie I actually agree with you, but would NEVER say this in rl.

[ceeveebee]

Lottie, I totally agree. I am 'due back' at work in November when my DTs will be 1, but I will be doing everything I can to make sure I don't have to go back full time (my job would mean me being out of the house from 8am to 730om). I would rather downsize our house and not go on holiday then only see my kids at weekends.

[jellybeans]

I have worked full time and used fulltime nursery and SAH. I prefer SAH for me but don't expect everybody to do it. I DO sometimes wonder if people will regret it if they work very long hours and spend hardly any time with their DC but that is their choice. There are risks to SAHP also. It is a question of making the best choice you can at the time. I do feel much closer to my DC since being at home but there may be other variables involved. I certainly am not with them 24/7 though and their Dad does as much when he isn't at work.

[AWomanCalledHorse]

I have a friend who has a wonderful 10yr DS at boarding school, her facebook prior to school holiday is full of 'Damn, 6wks of not being to get pissed, hey-ho better make the most of it now' & 'Dreading 6wks of cartoons and parks Zzzzzzzz' etc etc.
The mum has stated numerous times she regrets having him as he interfered with her career and she's so glad she can afford boarding as she'd hate to have to look after a child ft, as they're 'so boring & needy'.
She is the only person I know who I have uttered 'wtf did you bother having him then?' about.

I had DS as I wanted an excuse to scream profanities as DH & whip my tits out in public, they're so fantastic I felt selfish keeping them to myself

[lottielou39]

christ, that poor boy

[Bartiimaeus]

I had DS cos neither DH nor I drink a lot, so it was the easiest way to be covered in sick every other day. (bloody reflux!)

I've just gone back to work. DS is 6 months. With a lot of sacrifice we could afford for me to stay at home. For me, the most important thing I didn't want to sacrifice was DH seeing DS during the week. If I was a SAHM we'd have to move and DH's commute would mean leaving before DS woke up and getting back after he's in bed.

DS is looked after by his grandparents in the day. He loves them and they love being with him. I get home to a baby who is squealing with pleasure at seeing me. I get some time alone for cuddles and a breastfeed then DH gets home and again DS goes wild with excitement. It's my favourite time of the day. When I was on maternity leave DH would often come home to me and DS both crying our eyes out. Me working is better for everyone.

[lottielou39]

when you're on your third (like me) you're very adept at ignoring them carrying on with life as normal and letting baby entertain herself!

[ViviPru]

LeQ Whereya been? You missed all my engagement brouhaha... I was hoping you'd accept the role of Fairy Queenmother....

[Haziedoll]

I don't spend hours entertaining my children, I leave them to it although I still struggle finding the time to get the dinner on...

I always feel like such a failure and crap parent when I go round friends houses because the whole day is centred around stimulating activities for the children. I remember when I was a child I would get all the tinned food out of the cupboards and play shops on the windowsill, if I was really bored I would lay on the floor and see how fast I could peddle my legs. What fun that was! My mum read to me a lot but she never played with me.

I find it exhausting being around other people's children because they seem to require so much input.

[ViviPru]

It's an outrage. Surely the minutiae of a total stranger's existence takes precedent over those fripperies...

[lesley33]

Hazie - I agree. I was pretty gobsmacked when spending the full day with a friend and her toddler. I had assumed her full oness was confined to a few hour slots which was all I had previously seen her for. But no for the whole day it was x look at this, x let's climb on this, etc. i was exhausted just listening to her.

[DuelingFanjo]

I had kids so other people could tell me about all the precious moments I must be missing just so I can pay for all the foreign holidays and designer suits I want and I had them so I could go onto forums and have other people tell me how much they pity my son because both his parents work full time.


It's been fantastic so far, absolutely on script.

[ViviPru]

YAY

[lesley33]

I know I really really wanted to tell her to shut up. Have made a mental not never to aggree to spend a full day with her and her toddler again.

[lesley33]

Fanjo - re both parents working, I guess I only judge when you are talking about babies. Children I think are different.

[knowitallstrikesagain]

This is another thing I don't get: Parents who go on and on about how important it is to stay at home with DC if you can, and yet in the next breath say that DCs occupy themselves and it is exhausting doing things with them all day.

So what difference between a SAHM who actively engages with her child for a few hours out of the whole day and a WOHM who actively engages with her child for a few hours every evening/morning. Surely they get the same amount of time and energy spent on them?

I think some parents think they are doing more for/with their child simply by virtue of being in the same house as them during the day.

[lesley33]

I actually think just being around is important. As an adult I know I enjoy doing my own thing with DP for example just being around.

[motheroftwoboys]

I never really wanted children until I met my now DH (second husband) and we had our first when I was 34 then 36. It just seemed right. However I was never a mumsy mum and went back to work when they were very young. I didn't have the choice of a long time off. We had a nanny (we both worked very unsocial hours and often had to travel away) and we were lucky enough to have my parents living not too far away. My two are now 21 and 19 and at Uni. We have the most fantastic, open and close relationships and I love them both too bits. I have friends who have never worked who don't have a good relationship with their children. No guarantees either way.

[ViviPru]

Thanks LeQ :)