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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mum and my wedding

29 replies

whackamole · 27/03/2012 02:32

My mum called and asked if I would be getting my sister a present for being Maid of Honour at my wedding this summer. I said no, as she hasn't done a thing (haven't asked her to - very small wedding and no reception) but I have bought her a dress which cost £100.

AIBU to not get her anything? I think my mum has this idea that as people (read - her, dad, sis, bro and their guests) are travelling to us and staying in a hotel I should be doing something to counterract the cost of that? I'm not asking them to pay for their dinner or anything!

I was going to ask her to wear a necklace that my grandad (to whom I was very close, he died about 10 years ago) gave me as it won't suit my dress. I kind of thought that was enough.

I am prepared to be told IABU though!

OP posts:

savoycabbage · 27/03/2012 02:36

I got my bridesmaids necklaces- I am talking from Next or similar rather than from Tiffany! I would just get her something like that just to shut your mother up!

Original poster

whackamole · 27/03/2012 02:38

Morning savoy!

Good idea - my mum has some very strange ideas about what constitutes a wedding, I think I will just to shut her up

OP posts:

savoycabbage · 27/03/2012 02:43

They just go mad with weddings! My MIL had loads of crazy 'rules' when we got married. She stopped speaking to us for six months because we didn't get married in a catholic church. She is not catholic. We are not catholic. At least you only have to buy some beads!

flyingspaghettimonster · 27/03/2012 03:42

Every wedding is different. I didn't want to be a bridezilla so bought the bridesmaids their dresses, earrings, necklaces, hair accessory and paid for their hair and make up. cost 300pounds each, and I didn't ask them for anything more than just showing up on the day... If I could do it over I probably would have spent less and expected a bit of help with making the favors etc. I think there are wedding etiquette sites that give good ideas of how much you are meant to provide and what they are responsible for. I know here in the states the bridesmaids buy their own dress so a gift is appropriate.

AThingInYourLife · 27/03/2012 03:46

I got my sister a present for being my bridesmaid. She was so great around the wedding, and I really appreciated it.

troisgarcons · 27/03/2012 04:09

I've never been to a wedding with a sit-down do where presents for the bridesmaids and matron of honour weren't given out during the speeches.

HappyCamel · 27/03/2012 04:17

I got nice chocs from hotel chocolat. It meant I didn't agonise over jewellery fitting in with outfits and meant they didn't have to own the gift forever more.

I got these: www.hotelchocolat.co.uk/finest-chocolates-P260540/

GavisconJunkie · 27/03/2012 07:01

I only had a little girl so she did nothing, but I got her a £20 bracelet.

It's more of a memento of the day IMO but a chew ish one IYSWIM.

I would buy something.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 27/03/2012 07:51

I think it's traditional to get little gifts for the members of the wedding party, I know I did when i got married, and i have been given jewlery for being bridesmaid. It doesn't have to be expensive.

dexter73 · 27/03/2012 07:55

I think it would be a good idea to get her a present. These little things have a way of being made into something bigger and your mum might make a big deal out of it. For £20 or so it isn't worth the hassle.

supernannyisace · 27/03/2012 07:58

It' up to you - your wedding, not your mum's.

It is traditional to give gifts/bouquets out at speech time - we didn't. The mothers didn't get bouquets - as they weren't involved in the planning at all. The BMs got a nice, but cheap necklace each - which was part of their outfit anyway.

You have bought her a dress.

As I say - your day, you say!

carabos · 27/03/2012 08:34

Arf at savoy and the Catholic church. Why on earth did she want a Catholic wedding if none of you is Catholic? .

BigRedIndiaRubberBall · 27/03/2012 08:41

My sister also did very little, I bought her dress, make-up and hair on the day and she also insisted I buy her an £80 pair of shoes (which didn't even really go with the dress). But I still got her a present - I think it's the done thing. A £10 necklace from Topshop I think it was. My best mate on the other hand, who was fab, got a silk negligee, which very much wasn't from Topshop.

iloveminieggs · 27/03/2012 08:43

Yanbu you don't have to buy them anything.
I had 2 bms my sister and DHs sister.
I bought their dress, hair accessory and paid for their hair, make up and flowers. They bought shoes.
I made them a little gift bag for the day with some blister plasters (I didn't want them moaning all day) and a small perfume bottle. They both like flower bomb and I saw a gift set of I think 5 miniatures. really I was being a control freak and wanted them to wear the same perfume as I can't stand too many different perfumes in one small church!
The only other thing in bag if I remember was a little box of very nice chocs.
Have a great day, it's your wedding not your mums. If you don't want to get a present you can get some lovely cards thanking bridesmaids, ushers etc

roadkillbunny · 27/03/2012 09:03

My best friend was the matron of honour at my wedding and I bought her a lovely bracelet of her choosing as a thank you gift and also paid for her outfit however she did almost all of the hard slog that made my wedding wonderful from hand making the invitations, decorating the venue to making the wedding cake and a whole lots more in between. She was (and is) amazing. My dd, who was 20 months at the time was my flower girl and we bought a bracelet for her as a memento.
It is traditional to give a gift, usually jewellery to the female members of the wedding party and flowers for the Mums given out during the speeches but you don't HAVE to, have you spoken to your sister to see what her expectations might be? I would probably get her a small gift but YWNBU not to, tell your Mum that it is between you and your sister.

startail · 27/03/2012 09:08

My DDs got their dresses and a pretty little girls necklaces, when they brides maided for a university friend. I bought shoes and pretty bits for their hair as the bride had no experience of small girls.

This time the bride says she'll take, the now much older, DD2 shoe shopping (they've sorted dresses). Given the bride and her sister don't have children and my fashionista 11 old can get into adult shoes, I think I need to buy a sensible pair of sandals just in case

startail · 27/03/2012 09:15

At my wedding, I don't remember buying any presents or shoes, just the fabric to make dresses. My dress maker aunt made mine and my sisters dresses as our wedding present, sister wore white summer shoes she no doubt used again.

Little bridesmaid's mum (aunt on the other side) also sews and made her's.

I made everyone's hair decorations when I should have been revising for second year uni exams.

emsyj · 27/03/2012 09:20

One of my bridesmaids made my wedding cake, so I made her (at an evening class) a silver necklace. My sister paid for our flowers, so I bought her a necklace. They both also got an Eve Lom gift set with cleanser, cloth & moisturiser. I paid for their dresses, accessories & hair and makeup on the day.

So my DMum didn't have anything to complain about on the gift side - but she still found plenty of other things to moan about, in particular:

Our failure to offer transport for her friends from door to door (they live about 40 mins drive from us and are both able bodied and have a car, we put on a bus from our house to the ceremony then on to the reception, but that wasn't enough apparently );
Our selection of food at the reception (curry, sausage & chips - should have had a chicken dinner so she said, 'nobody likes curry and you have to give people proper meat and vegetables') - she called all her friends (who we invited at her request - and no, she didn't pay towards the wedding at all, we paid for it ourselves) and told them to bring sandwiches as they 'weren't going to like the food';
The makeup artist's choice of lipstick when doing her makeup on the wedding morning (yes, I paid for that too - and she could have just told the woman that she didn't like it and asked her to change it, surely? );
My failure to seat a friend of mine with a friend of hers, who had never met before but got chatting at the drinks reception and got along very well - this one made her really inexplicably cross, her friend is widowed and came alone (she was invited plus guest so she could have brought another friend/relative but chose not to) I had seated her with people she actually knows, but apparently that wasn't good enough and I should have psychically predicted that she would get on with my friend (a former work colleague who's about the same age) and seated them together.

You cannot fucking well win with weddings. You just have to breathe deeply and smile and nod really. My DMum is generally a very normal sort of person and doesn't unduly moan or interfere or have strange views about daughterly responsibility - she is very hands-off as a rule, but there's something about weddings that makes people go funny. I now have my own business selling wedding dresses and see evidence of this every day!

Titchyboomboom · 27/03/2012 09:22

When I was a bridesmaid when I was 6, I got a silver necklace with a letter C in it (my initial) which I have treasured forever!

Original poster

whackamole · 27/03/2012 09:40

emsyj:
'You cannot fucking well win with weddings. You just have to breathe deeply and smile and nod really. My DMum is generally a very normal sort of person and doesn't unduly moan or interfere or have strange views about daughterly responsibility - she is very hands-off as a rule, but there's something about weddings that makes people go funny.'

You are so not wrong! I like the idea of posh chocs, so might do that instead. DSis is a bit eclectic in her taste for jewellery and clothes, so I'd rather not get something she won't wear. Or maybe I should, it is, after all, a memento of the day......argh, minefield!

I can see that there are many, many things I had not considered.

OP posts:

Newtothisstuff · 27/03/2012 09:42

My mum wasn't coming to my wedding until a week before because I wouldn't have my sister as bridesmaid.. There's 17 years age difference and we arnt close at all. My sister and step dad didn't come on the day either.
Your never going to win
I got my bridesmaids an engraved welsh crystal champagne flute with their names on they were only about £10 and they loved them (or lied very well haha)
Hope your wedding goes well. Don't worry about anyone just enjoy yourself

redexpat · 27/03/2012 09:50

I think it's odd that your maid of honour hasn't done anything to help to be honest! There's a whole list of duties on the confetti website (I think - might be hitched). I went through the list of duties with DH, best man and best woman so we all knew what we were doing.

My Best Woman did lots and I got her a Cath Kidston London charm bracelet. She works overseas a lot, and LOVES London, and Cath Kidston.

nizlopi · 27/03/2012 09:51

I has a very small wedding with my sister as 'maid of honor' which literally just meant she signed the certificate at the end of the ceremony. I didn't get her a gift on the day, but I did buy her a little gift when I was on my honeymoon. I didn't get anyone else anything and I gave it to her as a thankyou for being there for me on the day :)

LittleWhiteMice · 27/03/2012 09:52

buy her some knickers

Original poster

whackamole · 27/03/2012 12:32

nizlopi - that's pretty much how ours is going to be as well. That's why I kind of feel a bit about a present!

OP posts:

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