To be disappointed, not regretful, but sad

[dappply]

I'm just about to have my second baby. My first is three. When I had him I found pregnancy, childbirth and the first year really hard, and often lonely. I was the first among my circle if friends to have kids and most people just kinda left me to it. I didn't blame them, I understood that they didn't understand I needed them, but it was hard.

Then the next year many of my friends got pregnant, and I felt strongly I wanted to offer them the support that I'd wanted. So I did, to two friends in particular. Both I was a shoulder and an ear too, passed on lots of support and stuff, was even birth partner for friend number 2 (3 day labour with all the TOIL and Childcare that entailed).

What makes me sad though is that neither of them have even interested or supportive atall in my pregnancy. I've heard from friend A, 3 times? She doesn't reply to texts, doesn't phone. She's just always too busy with her one year old daughter. And friend b I've seen twice in 8 months, once to tell her I was pregnant and once last weekend when I went round to pick up stuff I'd leant her that I needed back. Including a carseat that her dog has chewed the strap of, and needs replacing.

I'm sad really. It's not even particularly these two, it's everyone i know. Everyone's too busy with their own lives and families to care and think about helping anyone else. Just feel really unsupported. Feel like i did when I was pregnant last time, alone and unsupported. And tired and sore.

:-(

Could you ask them for help? tell then how you are feeling and that you could do with a friend?

I have told them both. When I was round at friend b's at the weekend, I said that I was feeling low. She just kind of glossed over it really, too busy with her ds. And last message i sent to friend a was suggesting getting together one weekend before the baby comes and saying that I'm sore with spd. Just got a "sorry, too busy" reply.
I know it's wrong to expect people to return favours, I didn't help them both explicitly because I was expecting help back one day. But I am sad.

I guess I just feel that after the feeling of loneliness and unsupportedness I have with my first, I tried to make that ok by putting effort into helping people back. And I felt good and proud that I had. And I guess kind of had faith that that effort would swing back to me when I needed it. And now I don't feel it has.

I should just concentrate still on having faith and feeling good for doing good. Gosh that sounds very Christian!

Shame dappply! That's not nice to feel like that. But you have been doing the right thing, now just concentrate on being nice to yourself and perhaps help and support will come from unexpected places and when you least expect it. You deserve it! You're right, people can be very wrapped up in their lives at times when you'd love a little support and tlc. Well big hug to you, even though you don't know me!

You sound lovely, find new friends! I'm sorry your 'friend's' are selfish arses - so many people are so wrapped up I'm their own life. Try an antenatal class? See if you can make new friends that way or try some mum and tot groups x

I agree with ilikecandy- meeting other women who are pregnant and going through the same thing sounds a good plan. There are lot's of nice supportive people out there, so maybe ante natal classes or yoga or something like that will help you meet them.

They both just became very wrapped up in their own lives when they had their babies.

I do have lots of friend's and do know other mothers etc. but I guess everyone's the same, so busy with their own routines and families and plans. Noone's got time to give to anyone else. I shouldn't moan, I'm very lucky in many many ways. Must just be hormonal today.

I already know two other people with toddlers the same age as me and expecting their second within the same month as me. They're both lovely, but both been away and busy alot recently, trying to get things done before baby. I'll keep asking them out tho and hopefully it'll be good layer on in the summer.

Your situation sounds really similar to mine Op. My sisters warned me about this. They said your friends will be busy getting on with their lives to be interested but when it's their turn to have a baby it'll be like the second coming! My oldest friend and ds's god mother didn't even bother buying him a birthday card this year and never asks how he is. The one and only time I ever asked her to babysit she made up a lie so she didn't have to. I suspect she's shit with kids. I won't be offering help when it's their turn. That might sound bitter but my family come first.

Yes, maybe help will come from unexpected places. That's true. And I should appreciate what I do have too. Wonderful husband, son and sunny day to come!

Thank you for your sympathy at my moaning. Was half expecting a bit of a slap and pull yourself together. Maybe that'll come too

Awww that made me feel really sad for you!

You need new and better friends, don't give up, you shall find better, more supportive friends if you keep trying.

I really felt so motivated to help new mums when i'd got thru the first year. Even considered training as a doula. Am so surprised that others don't feel the same way.