To be affronted by my friend?

[equinox]

Hello you clever ladies. I just wanted your angle on this please!

I have a fellow single parent who I met off netmums 3 years ago and we have been good friends ever since long chats on the 'phone about every week or two and meeting up say every 2-3 months maximum.

I have been struggling with debt for some time which I am working on and working on my business and am finding it hard to make ends meet but budgeting and doing everything sensible.

The other week she said she didn't wish to hear anything about finance. I thought she just meant that phone call so I mentioned it again next phone call. I have met somebody online on pof and met him in the flesh and he hadn't been ringing much so I was getting anxious.

She knows I am struggling with mild anxiety problems attributable to my finances and am on mild anti-depressants and am waiting on CBT.

Out of the blue she then said she didn't want to hear anything about this relationship or finance I was shocked. She said she couldn't bear it and she was trying to clear the negative out of her life. I was really amazed she could say this out of the blue. There had been no pointers whatsoever.

I have been a really good friend to her too helping her fill out her social work application as I am in the know a bit (I used to work in housing) and recommended to her she go and see housing advice to get a cheaper rent and saying I would support her and go with her. This is more than a typical average friend does for people right?

I was so shocked I said I don't think is much of a friend if she can't listen to my problems and give support in the future. I then said I didn't think she would make a very good social worker then as people's problems can drag on for months or if not years as I have met upmteen social workers in my capacity over the years and this was in quite good jobs in London too (not showing off here!!).

After a few days of this she then deleted me off facebook which was bizarre as she had said she was goingn to wait until I had apparently 'calmed down' (just because I was asserting myself??) and this was in a message she had sent to me on facebook.

Any thoughts I am so shocked surely it is crossing the line to delete a friend off facebook would you get in touch with her again I am so put off?

Her two boys were my son's age too or near enough it was handy for weekend trips from time to time although admittedly it was only every 2 months as she is often busy with her boyfriend and I don't have one nearby.

Please help me out here should I get in touch in due course I really do not know what to do for the best I feel she has totally overreacted saying the above about can't bear it, no build up either and then clearing the negative and then taking me off facebook!!!

Cheers in anticipation! Sorry it is so LONG!

You met her on netmums? Well... What you expect? :D

He he, seriously though, she's no friend, let her go! A friend is there for the good AND the bad.

Do you mean you used to visit her as it was 'handy'

I think your anxiety and money problems are too much for her to deal with, it's possible that you talk about them too much maybe?

It sounds like your friendship doesn't 'click' - but it's not that great a loss if you just chatted once a week is it?

Some people don't want to talk about money or other's relationships. Something about your problems irritate her or make her anxious.
Leave it be. Concentrate on other friends.

Maybe you don't realise that you are self obsessed and talk about your probelms all the time without listening to advice? This can be horribly draining

or maybe she is a cow

who can say

It sounds like this friendship was pretty flimsy anyway. Perhaps you knew her and saw her enough for a 'lighthearted' friendship, but that your problems were just too much for her to deal with. That doesn't make you, or her, a bad person.

I've had times where I've just thought 'I can't bear to hear such and such tell me about her horrible partner/diet regime/evil mother in law for the 47th time'. And sometimes we get into a cycle of complaining without even realising it. My sisters and I have 'banned' discussing my stepfather when we are together because it just brings us all down.

You sound like you need help with your problems with being overloaded by debt and your business. Is there anyone closer who can help?

Either she is odd and can't cope with a normal amount of give-and-take in a friendship, or she is finding you draining because of the way in which you talk about your problems. Or actually, third possibility - she can normally cope with a bit of give and take but is depressed or overwhelmed herself at the moment.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything you can do about her reaction to you. I'm really sorry that she is not the support that you need.

TBH you make it sound like you've worn her down with your problems. If you were a good friend you should have stopped discussing the subjects she's asked you to drop, even in the next phone call. Frankly, someone mentioning the same thing repeatedly would sap my positivity as well.

I can see that it's really tough for you to hear those words from your 'friend' but I can see where she is coming from.

If you have a stressful job where you are hearing peoples woes and what's wrong with the world, the government etc all day you need to cut back on how much time you fill with woes at home.

Also as someone who has illhealth I can only take so much bad news before I retire to my bed to regain my energy, it's tiring listening sometimes.

She did give you a warning, just not a very good one.

I'd advise you wait until you are in a better place yourself with your relationship with your partner and financially and then decide if you want to contact her again.

You have done nothing wrong, you just are not the right friends for each other at the moment

I also agree it will be hard to hear this, when you are suffering from anxiety and seeking CBT. It's a shame your attempt to assert yourself did not work.

It may be something about what you actually said that upset her. Sometimes it's not actually about you, it's about the other person.

I hate to say this and it won't be what you want to hear but you sound needy and a bit self-absorbed. It's understandable with all you're struggling with but it sounds that she just couldn't deal with the level of issues you have.

And you sound like you pushed the friendship and read a bit more into than was there from her point of view.

Sorry.

You telling her that she wouldn't make a good SW is likely to have been v hurtful to her.

Impossible really to say.

I mean, for all we know, you could have been calling her every night, going on and on and on and on about your situation and not being interested in anything going on with her, going over the same things over and over and taking taking taking until she finally had had enough and asked you to stop - and then the very next phone call - you started up again and she snapped. Because it's all you talk about.

Or.

You could mention it every now and again after listening to her problems for hours and she only wants you to be there for her and she's not interested in being there for you because she only wants people who will give her attention

Or anything in between.

Whatever it is, I'd just walk away. When someone cuts you out - let them. It's not worth it.

She really doesn't like you, does she?
It's impossible to tell from only hearing your side of the story if it's because you are self-absorbed and boring or whether she is insensitive and selfish. I guess the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.
Don't try to get in touch, what's the point?

I have just similarly ended a friendship. She droned on about her divorce, a bloke called nick she fancied, a woman called Michelle she thought was a bitch, her money problems etc etc. I never ever had a laugh with her and she never ever listened to anything I had to say. I moved away from her area a year ago and although we kept in touch, I dreaded seeing her and being brought down by her needy and frankly tedious conversations. I stopped replying to her texts and although I am ashamed of my cowardliness, she has just about got the message I think.

Sometimes a friendship should be about fun, laughter and frivolity, not problems and counselling the whole time. Perhaps she had just really had enough of it and like me, was a bit too cowardly to tell you outright.

I hope you have lots of other friends to share your life with. You don't have to stick with the same ones forever.

Hello there

Thank you for all your comments everyone.

My 'friend didn't even give advice or feedback in the recent times and had even rung me up to find out the next instalment!

Don't you think she should have even said it was getting too much why just suddenly react like that I always let her listen I do not just go on and on ...

I do see what BigusBumus means about problems but given that she is going to train as a social worker would have expected more tolerance that is all I do not expect perfection!

She isn't happy in her own relationship and finances so perhaps it struck a nerve eh.

I think you are right ladies I should not get in touch! That was my gut feeling just shocked oh well put it down to experience.

I will only tell diluted amounts in future to people perhaps it was getting a bit too much just wish something had been said that is all!

Thanks very much everyone! Unfortunately I do not have many people to talk to at all but I do have a few who I tell potted versions to and the rest of the time I just do my chanting....

Take care one and all!

Well I have a friend who went on and on about her debt problems (and didn't listen to any advice, did nothing to help the situation) and it was very stressful listening to it and fearing the worst on her behalf. I had a lot on my plate at the time so in need of some light relief myself instead of being burdened even more. Got fed up of being in the supportive role all the time - like I was her mother or the 'sensible' one - while she is the 'child' and gets to avoid responsibility and I get to play rescuer or mrs boring grown up - no thanks!

I'm not sure you're that kind of friend though as you sound as if you have helped her out a few times as well. You say she is very busy with her boyfriend and I wonder if that has anything to do with her lack of time for others.

Hope all is ok in the future with the money worrieds Equinox.

Maybe a good thing to do is post here with some worries and as you said, give potted histories to all the others. I think there is only so much some friends can take in the way of complaints. A best friend from the past can probably cope with more than this 'friend'. I'm really careful about how much I load onto one friend at a time now as I can see in the past I've been overwhelming at times.

Good luck

Thanks for the further comments whereas I am hurt she has treated me that way I will try and learn from it I have found that friendships where it is mainly centred on the 'phone invariably get rather negative and with that in mind I will a) learn to talk more general to friends who I know aren't up to it and b) not have friends who exist mainly over the phone and less in reality!

Many thanks to you all and all the very best here's to supportive friendships for us all in the future!